Little Dean Koontz tells a story that has everything—an all-American Special Army Marine, an escaped evil science monkey, and a VERY good dog!
It’s Edgar’s turn with the flashlight… but, after a heated debate about what makes a better plot device, the death of a beautiful woman or a murderous monkey, little Dean Koontz ends up telling tonight's story instead. It has everything—an all-American Special Army Marine, a poorly written neurodivergent lady, an evil mutagenic monkey who's escaped from science, and a VERY good dog!
Content notes: swearing, loud noises, some sexual references, comedic violence with some gory noises and gunfire, discussion of death and 'fridging' of women, police/fed raids, references to animal testing, drug references, parody of bad neurodivergence representation.
CAST:
with
and special guests
Script by Bitter Karella, edited by Robin Johnson. Audio production and music by Robin Johnson.
Dean Koontz's novel Watchers (1987) really is a story about a really cool smart dog who befriends an ex-military hero and his naive new bride, and how they protect each other from the dog's nemesis, a murderous genetically engineered mutant baboon. The book is credited with establishing Koontz as a bestselling author, and has been adapted into no fewer than four (4) movies. It is unknown whether his mom keeps a copy on the fridge.
A transcript of this episode is available at https://midnight-pals.simplecast.com/episodes/the-tale-of-the-watchers/transcript
Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals is a work of social and literary satire. All characters are fictitious, especially the real ones; any elements of work not in the public domain are used for the purpose of parody and comment, and no challenge is intended to the ownership or validity of any intellectual property. The Midnight Pals is the creation of Bitter Karella ©
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SCENE 1--EXT. CAMPFIRE
POE: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the Murders in the Rue Morgue.
KING: Is that the title you’re going with? Honestly, I liked the original one better.
KOONTZ: What was the original title?
KING: The tale of the Murder Monkey.
SHELLEY: You guys suck at titles.
POE: Mary.
LOVECRAFT: She’s right. You could at least have made it “Notes Regarding the Mysterious Case of the Murder Monkey”.
POE: I know you all liked the Murder Monkey title, but it really buried the lede.
LOVECRAFT: “The Doom that Came to the Murder Monkey”?
POE: The important thing--
LOVECRAFT: “The Unnameable Murder Monkey”--
POE: The--
LOVECRAFT: --“and His Family”!
POE: THE IMPORTANT THING isn’t the murder monkey, it’s the death of a beautiful woman.
BARKER: Oh christ, this again.
POE: No, listen, Clive, this is important! It’s central to my whole theory of writing! For the death of a beautiful woman is both the most tragic but also the most profound of all things.
KING: I don’t know, I really think the monkey is the more interesting thing.
BARKER: Yeah, I’m gonna go with the monkey too.
LOVECRAFT: Hey, when you say “monkey”--
POE: The monkey is NOT the issue! The monkey is merely the vessel to cause the death of the beautiful woman, which, as I said, is the most-
BARKER: Yeah, yeah, “the most profound of all things,” we’ve all heard this before, Edgar. How many times are you going to tell that story?
KING: That’s right. You’ve got dozens of hot woman dying stories, but this is the only one with a monkey.
POE: Why are you all so obsessed over the monkey?!
SHELLEY: Why are YOU so obsessed over dead women?
AWKWARD PAUSE. EXTRA CRICKETS
BARKER: You know, I wrote a sequel to that monkey story.
POE: Unofficial sequel. (DERISIVELY) It’s the same except the monkey fucks.
BARKER: (PROUDLY) It’s the same except the monkey fucks!
LOVECRAFT: -I-I wrote a monkey story too, you know--
KOONTZ: Gosh, yeah! A monkey that can kill people… that’s pretty scary! Gives me the willies!
POE: Stop it, all of you! It’s not about the monkey! The death of a beautiful woman is unquestionably the most poetical topic in the world, and equally is it beyond doubt that the lips best suited for such topic are those of a bereaved lover.
SHELLEY: Why’s she gotta die?
POE: What?
SHELLEY: Why can’t a woman be interesting and poetic without being dead?
POE: Mary, you’re not even making sense.
KOONTZ: Wow! I never thought about this before. I guess the death of a beautiful woman WOULD be a pretty poetic topic.
POE: Exactly. See, that is precisely why I changed the title. Also it turned out that an orangutan is not actually a monkey.
KING: What? Get outta here!
BARKER: No, he’s right, it’s an ape.
KING: What’s the difference?
BARKER: Uh. Some… some sort of science thing, I’m sure.
KING: But everyone loves monkeys, Edgar!
BARKER: Apes.
KING: MY monkey story’s called “The Monkey”.
SHELLEY: Oh my GOD you guys suck at titles.
KING: It’s about a stuffed monkey that does evil magic.
LOVECRAFT: Isn’t that WW Jacobs’ story? The Monkey’s Paw?
KING: No. Maybe.
KOONTZ: Hey wait, wait, guys! I’ve got an idea! What if there was a story that combined the death of a beautiful woman AND a murder monkey?
POE: That’s kinda what my story does.
BARKER: [INTERRUPTING] Dean, I don’t think that such a story could exist. I mean, if you were to combine those two things, you’d end up with some kind of crazy super amazing story, probably way too cool and badass to ever be spoken by human tongues. It would be very awesome.
KING: Yeah, I would be certainly interested in hearing THAT story.
POE: As I said, my story does actually have both of those two things—
KOONTZ: I think I have an idea! An idea for a story about a monkey but also an idea for a story about a beautiful lady! And this monkey is really scary! It kills people!
POE: That’s what happens in my story.
KOONTZ: Wait, did I say that it was a monkey that killed people? I mean, uh, what if it… what if it was a SUPER monkey that killed people? Like the evil super man… but a monkey!
KING: Oh wow, I’d like to hear this story, Dean!
POE: This is literally the story I was going to tell! I only changed the title! There’s still a monkey in it!
BARKER: I think you mean “ape,” Edgar.
POE: Clive. Shut up.
BARKER: Ha ha ha, wow, Edgar, I think we all want to hear Dean’s take on this idea. Don’t we, Steve?
KING: I’m curious, I’ll bite.
BARKER: Mary?
SHELLEY: There gonna be dogs in this?
BARKER: Ha ha well, gosh, dogs in a Dean Koontz story? What a question! Howard, how about you?
LOVECRAFT: No one answered my question. When you’re talking about monkeys, do you mean-
BARKER: You know what, let’s just say it’s unanimous. Go ahead, Dean, you have the floor.
LOVECRAFT: ’Cause in MY monkey story, “Facts Concerning the Late Arthur Jermyn and His Family”--
SHELLEY: So fuckin’ BAD at TITLES
LOVECRAFT: Well, August Derleth wanted me change it to “So Your Grandpa Married a Monkey.”
POE: Howard...
LOVECRAFT: But my point is, the monkey isn’t just a monkey!
BARKER: Yeah, we get it. Moving on...
LOVECRAFT: It’s a metaphor, an analogy. You know what it represents?
POE: Howard, that’s enough.
LOVECRAFT: It represents--
POE: (URGENTLY CUTTING LOVECRAFT OFF) OKAY FINE! Dean, tell your story.
KOONTZ: Alright! Here goes! I’m gonna tell a story! Here’s the story! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, here it comes! Here’s the story!
KING: Calm down, Dean, remember to breathe.
KOONTZ: I call this story…
MIDNIGHT DUST SPARKLE BEGINS, BUT KEEPS STALLING WHILE KOONTZ TRIES TO GET THE TITLE OUT
KING: That’s the way to do it, Dean.
KOONTZ: I call this story…
KING: You’re doing great! Isn’t he doing great, guys?
BARKER: Oh, yeah, definitely.
POE: Doing fine.
LOVECRAFT: Really great.
SHELLEY: Just the best.
KOONTZ: I call this… the tale of the super intelligent awesome dog who was really great! Oh, and the super murder monkey!
BARKER: Ah ha ha!
SHELLEY: Yeah, called it.
KING: Quiet, Mary. Go on, Dean. Let’s hear this story about the super murder monkey. And dogs, apparently.
KOONTZ: It’s not just about dogs! Though there is a dog in it. And, boy, what a dog! You guys are really going to flip when you hear about this dog!
FADE.
SCENE 2--EXT. DOG PARK
KOONTZ: (V/O) Once upon a time, there was this ex-Army Marine named Travis. Travis was really good at being in the army, so good he’d been part of the Elite Top Delta Force Navy Seal Special Ops Rangers! He killed loads of bad guys in Iraq and Afghanistan and--uh, wherever the bad guys live now--
LOVECRAFT: (V/O) Greenland?
KOONTZ: (V/O) --and after he left the Army Marines he became an elite top real estate agent. But lately, he felt like there was something missing from his life, and he started to get depressed and cynical. So one day, he was exploring a local dog park and thinking about his lot in life…
TRAVIS: I’m so depressed and cynical. Even when I was killing bad guys for the Army Marines, there’d always be so many bad guys left. Why, sometimes when we finished killing all the bad guys in a country, suddenly there’d be a load of NEW bad guys who were mad at us for no reason! If only there was something out there that could show me that there’s still some good in the world. Maybe if there was something that could give me unconditional love, that could greet me every time that I came home, something I could take for long walks and play frisbee with… alas, such a thing does not exist in this cruel bitch of a world! Even my staunch Christian faith is failing, so I guess I don’t have any choice but to kill myself by buring myself alive in the sandpit in this dog park. [DISTANT DOG BARKING] Whoa, what’s that sound? It sounds like some kind of animal, maybe a seal or a sea lion? I’d better use my army ranger training skills to investigate. [RUSTLING BUSHES] It appears that the sound was coming from somewhere in this dog park… and oh!
NORA: Oh! Excuse me!
TRAVIS: No need to excuse, ma’am, the excuses are all mine! I--whoa! [ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS]
KOONTZ: (V/O) While he was investigating the mysterious sound, Travis ran into a pretty lady! See, Edgar, I put a pretty lady in my story! Just for you!
POE: (V/O) Yes, very nice, Dean.
KOONTZ: (V/O) But this lady was more than just pretty… she was also really chaste!
BARKER: (V/O) Oh, boo. Boooo!
KING: (V/O) Clive, let him finish.
KOONTZ: (V/O) And a tragic, traumatized neuro--uh... what’s that word I’m supposed to use instead of crazy person?
SHELLEY: (V/O) Neurodivergent.
KOONTZ: (V/O) AND she was a tragic neuro-detergent who never left her house. Until now! So she was pretty AND pure AND kinda mad in an adorable pitiable way, but not TOO mad! Travis instantly fell in loooooove with her!
TRAVIS: (TO HIMSELF) My god!! This woman! She’s beautiful! (OUT LOUD) Sorry to bother you, ma’am, my name’s Travis and I was just investigating this strange barking sound, Miss…?
NORA: Nora. Nora Nicelady. I’d fall in love with you too, except I’m a tragic neuro-detergent who hates herself.
TRAVIS: Oh no! But what if you met a nice ex-Navy Marine Ranger who opened your poor neurotic shut-in heart to the possibility that someone might actually love you?
NORA: You could do that? Cool! In that case I’m neuro-normal now! Thanks for curing me, big strong ex-Army Marine!
SHELLEY: (V/O) (EXASPERATED) Dean...
TRAVIS: No problem! Here, wipe your tears of gratitude on this U.S.A. flag.
A FEW BARS OF PATRIOTIC MUSIC
NORA: (GRATEFUL SOBBING, THEN GATHERING HERSELF) Anyway, I was just investigating that very same barking sound! If I didn’t know better, I’d say that there was a dog around here somewhere.
TRAVIS: A dog? By the power of my newly restored staunch Christian faith, that might just be the very thing that I’m missing in this life! Perhaps, Nora, we could look for this dog… together?
NORA: Oh, Travis! I’d like that!
KOONTZ: (V/O) When Travis and Nora met, it was love at first sight! They knew immediately that they were meant to be together. Travis was so chivalrous and noble and Nora knew, just from looking at him, that he had all sorts of good values and also that he was army strong and probably really good with dogs. And Nora was so pure and unsullied, because she was raised by her insane overbearing aunt who never let her even have a period or anything! She was the most beautiful woman, just like Edgar was talking about... only she didn’t KNOW she was beautiful, which made her even MORE beautiful!
POE: (V/O) Dean, have you been listening to Edward Lee again?
BARKER: (V/O) Oh gross, this is getting mushy.
KING: (V/O) Jeez Louise, Clive, why so negative? Usually you’re really big on this sort of thing.
BARKER: (V/O) Not the way Dean tells it! He’s just gonna have them hold hands and then tastefully fade to black! Ugh, “tasteful!” The very word revolts me!
KOONTZ: (V/O) Nuh uh! I’m not gonna leave anything important out!
KING: (V/O) Well, see, there you go, Clive!
BARKER: (V/O) Uh huh. And what exactly do you consider “important,” Dean?
KOONTZ: (V/O) Well, the important thing is that Travis and Nora found a dog together!
TRAVIS: Whoa, look at this! A dog!
NORA: I don’t see any owner around here. It’s almost like he was taking himself for a walk.
TRAVIS: Incredible! This dog must be really smart! And you know, smart dogs need the most attention.
NORA: Even the smartest of dogs needs a stable home with a loving family, though.
TRAVIS: I’m just a simple retired army ranger and successful real estate agent, what can I do? I’d love to give him a good home, but even I know that a dog thrives best when raised in a good Christian household with a traditional family structure with both a mother and a father. I could never do enough as a single father to deserve the love of this magnificent dog!
NORA: Wait--the dog’s trying to tell us something!
[DOG NOISES, DRAGGING OF STUFF]
NORA: Hey, he’s fetched us a copy of “Modern Bride” magazine from the newsstand!
TRAVIS: And a gold ring! And a wedding bouquet!
PRIEST: (OFF) I say. Down, boy! [CHOMP] Aaargh! [SOUND OF PRIEST BEING DRAGGED] Ow! Oof! (ETC)
NORA: And a priest!
TRAVIS: What could he mean?
EINSTEIN MUSICALLY BARKS OUT THE WEDDING MARCH
NORA: Travis, this might sound crazy--I mean neuro-detergent--but I think the dog is saying we should get married. (EMBARRASSED) What a silly idea!
TRAVIS: Oh, I dunno, everything’s here. What do you say, Nora? Will you marry me? For the sake of the dog?
NORA: Oh, Travis! I would do anything for this dog! [DOG BARKS] Wow, it sounds like the dog agrees! He really IS smart. It’s almost like he can understand what we’re saying! Oh Travis, a dog this smart should have a really smart name. Let’s name him Einstein, after the dog in “Back to the Future”!
TRAVIS: I think that’s a wonderful idea, Nora. Reverend, would you be so kind as to marry us?
PRIEST: Ow! Yes, just get this dog off me.
NORA: Down, Einstein. (FONDLY) Naughty boy.
PRIEST: Do you, Travis Toughguy, take this pretty, chaste, neurotic but not too neurotic, lady to be your lawful wedded wife?
TRAVIS: I do.
PRIEST: And do you, Nora Nicelady, take this buff ex-Army Marine Seal to be your lawful wedded husband?
NORA: I... (GIGGLING) I guess I do!
PRIEST: And do you both accept this good boy to be your lawful wedded dog? [EINSTEIN BARKS]
TRAVIS/NORA: We do!
PRIEST: Then congratulations! You may pet the dog.
NORA: Oh, it’s the wedding day I always dreamed of! Wow, it’s amazing what can happen when I finally bring myself to leave the house!
TRAVIS: And now let’s live and love and laugh… as a family!
FADE BACK TO CAMPFIRE
BARKER: Ugh, I knew this was going to get repulsively wholesome. And disgustingly het!
KOONTZ: Nuh uh! Just wait! I’m just getting to the scary part.
KING: Oh, the monkey!
POE: Ah, yes, that’s right, the infamous murder monkey we’ve heard so much about. And such an original idea.
KOONTZ: I’m just getting to that part, guys!
SCENE 3--INT. LABORATORY
KOONTZ: (V/O) Meanwhile, the scientists who made the really smart dog were in their science lab, doing science stuff!
SCIENTIST 1: Man, I love being a scientist! Just meddling away with nature, armed with nothing but a test tube and the false assurance that I can do a better job than God himself!
SCIENTIST 2: I agree! There’s no natural law we won’t defy! Why, just this morning I made a science machine that can abort twelve hundred babies per minute!
SCIENTIST 1: Good job! Why, that’s almost as genius as my superintelligent dog here. Come on, Case Study 95-B! Uh... (CALLING) Case Study 95-B! Where are you, you stupid superintelligent mutt?
SCIENTIST 2: Oh no, has your superintelligent dog escaped? He was so much fun!
SCIENTIST 1: Yeah, well, at least he won’t do any harm. It’s not like Case Study 95-C escaped.
SCIENTIST 2: Ha ha! No! Boy, would it be awful if Case Study 95-C escaped. He’d just murder everyone left and right! And he’d stop at nothing until he’d tracked down the superintelligent dog, and murdered him along with everyone he loved.
SCIENTIST 1: Nope, just as well Case Study 95-C is safe in this science pod here. Let’s just open it and see how he’s doing...
HYDRAULIC POD OPENS
SCIENTIST 1: Oh, sugar!
SCIENTIST 2: Uh... it might not be that bad. Maybe he’ll only murder a few hundred people before he gets tired.
DOOR BURSTS OPEN. ALARM SOUNDS. SEVERAL PEOPLE ENTER. COMMOTION
SCIENTIST 1: Sir! Sir! You can’t bring your government spooks in here! This is a special science lab where we do science things. Scientists only are allowed in here!
LEMUEL: Maybe you don’t know who I am. I’m Special Agent Lemuel Johnson, Special Cryptids Unit, NSA, FBI, AND CIA. So this is where you science boys do all your sciencing, eh? In this so-called “laboratory?” Laboratory. Heh. You don’t know what you’re getting with that. As a level-headed government agent, I don’t get paid to believe in wild science things, I stick to the facts. So the boys informed me that you’ve lost two experiment subjects, a smart dog and a murderously insane killer mutant. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess this mutant might be our higher priority.
SCIENTIST 2: Oh yeah, that killer mutant’s pretty murderously insane all right! It brutally murdered six of our finest research technicians before I was satisfied.
SCIENTIST 1: Oh, but you don’t know this dog, Special Agent! I mean, he's so smart, once we hooked him up to a big computer to try to teach it some things. But he had so much knowledge, it overloaded. And then it got really hot and caught on fire!
LEMUEL: (pause) That never really happened, did it, doctor?
SCIENTIST 1: It… could have happened.
LEMUEL: How did this dog escape anyway?
SCIENTIST 1: He constructed a crude suspension bridge to Venezuela. Once there, I hear that he decided to lie low and assume odd jobs under the name Mr. Pilkington.
LEMUEL: Okay. Well, tell me about this other escape.
SCIENTIST 2: Ah! Well, see, we made a monkey SO evil.
LEMUEL: You scientists. You were so preoccupied with whether you could make an evil murder monkey, you never stopped to think about whether you should make an evil murder monkey.
SCIENTIST 2: No, I thought about it. I figured I should. Because making an evil murder monkey... would be so cool.
SCIENTIST 1: That’s right! And lacking any religious moral grounding, we scientists firmly believe that the universe is our plaything, power is the only god, and archaic concepts like “love” and “family values” and “being nice to dogs” will die in the cold light of reason.
SCIENTIST 2: This monkey is as smart as the dog but also really evil. It’s programmed to track down and destroy the dog, because it’s jealous of the dog because the dog is such a good boy.
LEMUEL: So you’re saying, if we find the dog, we find our monkey?
SCIENTIST 2: That’s right.
LEMUEL: That’s all I need to know. [LOUD, AS IF TO A CROWD] Alright, agents, let’s roll out. I want to check every farm house, hen house, outhouse, tree house, and monkey house from here to the dog park. We got a monkey to catch. And don’t worry. Special Agent Lemuel Johnson ALWAYS gets his monkey. [WHOOPING AND HOLLERING AS AGENTS PREPARE FOR THE HUNT]
SCENE 4--INT. TRAVIS’S HOUSE
KOONTZ: (V/O) Meanwhile, Travis and Nora took Einstein home to keep him as their dog. Hey guys, did you know that the dog Einstein is named after, Einstein from “Back to the Future”, is named after this really smart guy in real life, Alvin Einstein? He was so smart, he invented gravity AND the white guy afro.
KING: (V/O) Yes, Dean, we are aware of Einstein.
KOONTZ: (V/O) He was almost as smart as this dog! Anyway, the longer that Travis and Nora lived with Einstein, the more they realized that he wasn’t just any ordinary smart dog! He was probably, like, the smartest dog in the whole world! He was as smart as, like, eight normal dogs… and that’s equivalent to 12 normal people!
TRAVIS: Okay, Einstein, Nora, I’m off to work as a highly successful real estate agent. Don’t be too smart while I’m gone.
NORA: Travis! Travis, look! I’ve been working with Einstein and I think he’s even smarter than we thought. Listen to this! Einstein, tell me: what’s the thing on top of a house called? [DOG BARKS]
NORA: Did you hear? He said “roof!”
TRAVIS: What the--?! He can talk?!
NORA: That’s not all! Einstein, what texture does sandpaper have? [DOG BARKS]
NORA: And that? He said “rough!”
TRAVIS: Incredible!
NORA: We’re not done yet! Einstein, who’s the greatest baseball player of all time?
EINSTEIN: [SCOOBY DOO VOICE] Dimaggio!
TRAVIS: Wow! Nora, there’s no way that Einstein could be a normal dog. If only there was some way that we could get him to communicate with us in our own language!
NORA: What if we had him pick out scrabble tiles to spell out a message?
TRAVIS: That’s a brilliant idea, Nora. Let’s do it!
KOONTZ: (V/O) So Travis and Nora got some scrabble tiles and Einstein started to spell out a message to warn them about the evil monkey that was hot on his tail! Ha ha, get it? Tail? Cuz he’s a dog!
FADE BACK TO CAMPFIRE
KING: Wait a second, Dean, did you say that the dog-
KOONTZ: His name is Einstein.
KING: Did you say that Einstein can write?
KOONTZ: No, of course not! That’s why he has to use Scrabble tiles to spell out the words instead.
KING: But... he understands the concept of written language?
KOONTZ: Yes, he’s very smart.
KING: How’d he learn to write, though?
KOONTZ: What do you mean? He’s really smart.
KING: Yeah, but Dean, you don’t automatically become literate just cuz you’re smart. You have to learn how to read, ya know.
KOONTZ: what
BARKER: Oh my God, steve, lay off! You’re confusing him.
KING: Yeah, but how does the dog-
BARKER: No one cares, steve. We’re all just waiting to get to the murder monkey.
POE: You know, if I was telling the story, we would have already got to the murder monkey part.
LOVECRAFT: And if I was telling MY story, we’d have already gotten to the bit about the dangers of--
KING: Okay okay, I’m sorry I brought it up!
KOONTZ: Right! So, as I was saying, Einstein knew how to read and write because he was so smart. So he was able to warn Travis and Nora all about how he had escaped from the science lab at NIMH and also that NIMH had a secret--and that secret was that they also made an evil monkey and the evil monkey was going to kill them all!
KING: Wait, Dean, I have another question.
AMBIENCE SNAPS BACK TO CAMPFIRE
KOONTZ: Steve! Why do you keep interrupting my story?
KING: Well, it’s just that there’s something that doesn’t make sense.
BARKER: Oh really? There’s something in Dean’s story about a super intelligent dog and an evil murder monkey that doesn’t make sense? Damn, Steve, that’s wild.
POE: You know, it was YOUR idea in the first place that Dean should tell this story…
KING: No, I know, but I was wondering… um, what exactly is the point of making a super intelligent dog and a murder monkey? Like, what’s the goal these scientists were trying to accomplish with this?
KOONTZ: Oh! Well, that’s easy. They were made for fighting enemy soldiers! See, the dog would go into enemy camps and scout around and none of the enemy camp guys would ever suspect that a dog would be dangerous because dogs are great. I mean, if you were an army guy out camping before a battle and some dog just walked right into your camp, you’d probably be pretty excited, right? I know I would be! Gosh, dogs are so great. Do you guys want to see a picture of my dog?
KING: Let’s just finish the story, Dean.
KOONTZ: Look! See? Her name is Trixie!
KING: Of course, Dean, she’s really a beaut.
LOVECRAFT: Oh, are we sharing pictures of our pets now?
POE: (INTERRUPTING) See, this is what we were trying to avoid.
KING: Wait, I’m still unclear. You’ve explained the dog, but where does the monkey come into it?
KOONTZ: Oh, that’s easy! The monkey always follows the dog, but he’s such a naughty murder monkey that when he can’t catch the dog, because the dog is so smart, the monkey gets so mad that he murders all the bad guys instead! Kapow! Whack! It’s monkey mayhem, guys!
POE: Let’s get back to your story, Dean.
FADE BACK TO TRAVIS’S HOUSE. CLICKING OF SCRABBLE TILES
KOONTZ: (V/O) Right, right! So anyway, Einstein spelled out a message to warn Travis and Nora that there was a murder monkey on the loose.
TRAVIS: According to Einstein, there’s a hyperintelligent genetically modified murder monkey on the loo? [BARK, TWO MORE CLICKS] Oh... on the loose! ...Oh no!
NORA: Plus, he’s absolutely trounced us at Scrabble. Look, he got “exomutazygosis” on a triple word score.
TRAVIS: We’re going to have to be extra careful. Luckily, I’ve got my ex-Army Ranger Seal training to draw on! [DOG BARKS] That’s a brilliant idea, Einstein! To stop the murder monkey, we’ll have to set up a series of cleverly improvised, home-made tricks and traps! Come on, Nora, let’s work together… as a family, we can do it!
NORA: You’re absolutely right, Travis! With the power of friendship and togetherness, nothing can stop us.
DOG BARKS
TRAVIS: That’s right, Einstein... I couldn’t have put it better myself!
TRAVIS:/NORA: (WHOLESOME LAUGHTER)
SOUNDS OF SAWING AND HAMMERING PLAY AS KOONTZ NARRATES
KOONTZ: (V/O) And so Travis and Nora worked long through the night, with directions from Einstein, to prepare their house for the arrival of the murder monkey. They hammered and sawed and once in a while they would pause so that Travis could accidentally get some paint on Nora’s nose in a wholesome playful way and then they could both laugh about it. Oh man, they were having so much fun! But that fun couldn’t last forever, because eventually the murder monkey arrived at their doorstep, drawn by the smell of smart dog. [CONSTRUCTION SOUNDS FADE OUT AS SCREECHING MONKEY APPROACHES]
DOORBELL RINGS
TRAVIS: Who is it?
MONKEY: (OFF) (MONKEY SCREECHES) Ook oooook! Ook ook ook ooook! Ooook ooook ooook! Ooook ook!
NORA: That was Morse code for “Avon calling”. I’ll get it!
TRAVIS: Not so fast! How would an Avon lady know Morse code? And why would she announce herself using monkey howls instead of human speech? Unless...
NORA: You don’t think that could BE the evil murder monkey?
MONKEY: (OFF) Ooh-ooh!
EINSTEIN BARKS
KOONTZ: Oh no! This was really bad. But luckily, Einstein had told them exactly what to do. When the monkey tried to work the doorknob to open the front door, Travis and Nora had rigged it up to an outlet so that the monkey got a major electrical shock! Zap! [electrical explosion, monkey shrieking] First, it made the monkey flash yellow so you could see his skeleton, then it blew him clear across the front yard and, when he got up again, his monkey fur was all standing up and his eyes were spinning and there was smoke coming out of his ears! But that monkey wasn’t done trying to get Einstein. Next he tried to go up the back steps, but Einstein had painted them with fresh tar so that the monkey’s shoes got stuck! [SQUISHING, SQUELCHING]
BARKER: (V/O) Wait, the monkey was wearing shoes?
KOONTZ: (V/O) Not any more!
POE: (V/O) Just go with it, Clive.
KOONTZ: (V/O) Now the monkey was barefoot and he stepped right on the one nail that Einstein put on the stairs, so then he jumped around, howling in pain, and grabbing his foot! Next he tried to climb in the window… but Einstein left all these broken Christmas ornaments all over the floor! [CRUNCHING GLASS, MORE MONKEY SHRIEKING] The monkey was almost incapacitated, but its rage was boundless! It was still determined to get Einstein and his new family! But when the monkey opened the door to the next room, Einstein had a flamethrower set up that burned the top of his head! [FLAMETHROWER. MONKEY SCREAMS] Oh! Oh! And there wasn’t just a flamethrower! There was also a big bucket of glue! [BLOOP BLOOP GLUE SOUND] And then a fan started and it blew feathers all over the monkey, and because of the glue the feathers stuck to him!
KING: (V/O) Dean, are you just repeating Home Alone gags now?
KOONTZ: (V/O) Nuh uh! This is my own original story! And then, and then… the monkey slipped on a fleet of Micro-Machines that Einstein had left out, and then they dropped a real big iron down on the monkey’s head and the monkey looked up right before the iron hit him and was all “whaaaa???” And then the iron hit him and knocked him out! [BONK, TWEETING BIRDS FLYING AROUND HEAD CARTOON SOUND EFFECT] And that’s when the cops showed up… led by Special Agent Lemuel Johnson!
POLICE SIRENS, CARS ARRIVE. CAR DOOR OPENS
LEMUEL: Well, well, well, what have we got here? Looks like we got a 10-74… a murder monkey! But looks like someone’s already incapacitated this ape!
TRAVIS: That’s right, officer. It was all thanks to Einstein here, the smartest dog in the world!
LEMUEL: Wow, that dog must be extra smart to outwit a monkey! Monkeys are known as the smartest animals in the primate kingdom, but I guess they’re still no match for a good boy!
NORA: And Einstein here is the goodest boy of all!
LEMUEL: Ha ha ha! Lady… you said a mouthful!
KOONTZ: (V/O) And the monkey was so tired of being outsmarted by a dog that he threw himself on the ground and begged Lemuel to arrest him and take him away from all this!
LEMUEL: What did I tell you? Lemuel Johnson always gets his monkey! [MONKEY MOANING, HANDCUFFS SLAPPING ON] You’re going to the big primate house now, Bonzo! Take him away, boys! (TO TRAVIS AND NORA) You folks are lucky that you had such a smart dog to protect you. Otherwise, you would have both been monkey chow. And I don’t mean bananas! Which is what monkeys usually eat. If you want my advice, you should treasure that dog. Treat him well and give him plenty of hugs and kisses. Love him like only an ex-Army Marine and his shut-in virgin bride can love a hyper-intelligent dog.
TRAVIS: Yes sir! We will!
LEMUEL: See that you do. Agent Lemuel Johnson will be watching! Okay, boys, let’s roll out. We got lots more shady government spook stuff to do!
CARS LEAVE. DOG BARKS
TRAVIS: You sure said it, Einstein: What an incredible adventure!
NORA: I’m glad that we’re all okay--thanks to your ex-Army Seal knowledge!
TRAVIS: Don’t thank me, Nora. Your chaste womanly intuition was indispensable. But one question remains unanswered... WHO’S A GOOD BOY?? Who’s a good boy!? Oh! You are! Yes, you are!
EINSTEIN BARKS, RESPONDS TO BEING FUSSED OVER
NORA: Yes you ARE! And truly the REAL hero of this story.
TRAVIS: Yes he is!
DOORBELL RINGS
TRAVIS: Whoever could that be? We aren’t expecting any other monkeys today. [OPENS DOOR]
KOONTZ: Hi there, I’m your new neighbor who just moved in next door. My name is Dean Koontz, but you might know me as world famous horror writer Dean Koontz, Master of Suspense! I heard you had a dog, so I just thought I’d stop by and introduce myself to your dog. Is it okay if I pet your dog? I really like dogs!
TRAVIS: Of course! We would love if you pet our dog! Our dog Einstein is very smart and he loves pets.
KOONTZ: Oh boy! I love petting dogs!
FADE.
END MUSIC AND CREDITS.
SCENE 5--EXT. CAMPFIRE
KOONTZ: And the murder monkey went to monkey jail and everyone else all lived happily ever after! Especially Dean Koontz who got to come over and pet Einstein every day, and all the other boys and girls stopped laughing at him. The end! There! What do you think of that?
POE: Dean, didn’t you say your story was going to combine a murder monkey with the death of a beautiful woman?
KOONTZ: Yes!
POE: Well, I certainly saw a murder monkey in that story. But I didn’t see much about the death of a beautiful woman.
KOONTZ: Oh. Oh, yeah. Well, I thought about it, but it made me sad, so I figured she didn’t have to die.
SHELLEY: Good for you, Dean. Let that be a lesson to all of you. If you’d stop dropping fridges on your female characters, someday you might all be writers as good as Dean here.
KING: (HURT) Mary, that was uncalled for.
KOONTZ: Thanks, Mary! Also it left me more time to tell you guys about the dog. Did you guys see the dog? How did you like the part with the dog?
KING: The dog was really nice, Dean.
LOVECRAFT: Yeah, I liked the dog.
POE: No one has a problem with the dog! I’m just saying that you left out the most important part, the whole death of a beautiful woman! That’s the whole reason we were having this conversation in the first--
BARKER: Cardboard limo, incoming!
SHONKY LIMO PULLS UP WITH A SCREECH. CAR WINDOW BEING WOUND DOWN MANUALLY
CORMAN: Edgar, baby, if I could interject?
POE: Roger Corman!
CORMAN: Dat’s right, it’s me, Roger Corman, Star of da podcast! Listen, Dean, baby, I heard your story and I love it. A super smart dog? A killer murder monkey? It’s beautiful, baby, we’ll make a movie and we're gonna make a million dollars! Just imagine it, Dean, da silver screen! Your name in lights!
POE: Watch out, Dean. I’ve had experience with Roger before. His promises don’t always match up with what delivers.
CORMAN: Edgar, baby, dat hurts! You ain’t still mad about how I adapted your story, “Edgar Allan Poe’s The Haunted Palace”?
POE: Adapted?? You gave it a completely different story that was obviously written by some total hack!
LOVECRAFT: Yeah. Then there was that time you made a movie of MY story, “The Case of Charles Dexter Ward”, only you renamed it “Edgar Allan Poe’s The Haunted Palace”.
SHELLEY: Not to mention “Frankenstein Unbound”. You cast that fuckin’ waif Bridget Fonda as ME.
CORMAN: Whoa, whoa, dat’s Hollywood, kids, ya gotta take a little artistic license what with the basing of unrelated movies on titles of Poe poems and all dat. But enough about dat, Dean, let’s you and me talk. Listen, Dean, baby, sweetie, we're gonna make you a star!
KOONTZ: Gosh!
CORMAN: Dean, pal, buddy, kid, this movie's gonna be a big hit, baby, I'm talkin' big money kid!! Solid gold! Talkin' 3 sequels with the exact same story, baby!! We’re filmin’ right now!
KOONTZ: Filming right now? Is the dog on set now?
CORMAN: What? Oh sure, kid. Sure he is
KOONTZ: Can I-- can I see the dog?
CORMAN: Dean, baby, why you wanna see the dog? The dog ain't the draw, baby. People wanna see that sweet sweet murder monkey!
KOONTZ: I heard in movies sometimes they use multiple dogs to play a single role.
CORMAN: Uh, yeah, I've heard that.
KOONTZ: Do you have multiple dogs here? (EXCITED GASP) Steve, how many’s multiple?
CORMAN: Who you think I am, kid, Rockefella? This ain't that kinda movie, baby! We ain’t got a budget for multiple dogs! If we got multiple dogs, we wouldn't be able to afford this sweet rubber baboon mask, baby!
KOONTZ: AAAA!!
CORMAN: Dean, baby, don't freak, it’s just a costume baby! Tom, take that head off. See, Dean? It's just a costume, baby.
FADE.
END MUSIC AND CREDITS
POST-CREDIT SCENE
HOLLYWOOD BAR AMBIENCE (MUSIC, CROWD)
CORMAN: Dean, I wanna introduce you to my guys. Dese are da guys who’re gonna make your movie, eh? Here’s Charles Band!
BAND: We’re gonna have the monkey fight an evil sentient bong!
CORMAN: And David DeCoteau!
DECOTEAU: Can we include a scene where the monkey takes a shower in its briefs?
CORMAN: And Dario Argento!
ARGENTO: It’s-a me, Dario! Ey! We gonna put-a da murder monkey up on top-a da big iron girder and he throw-a da barrels at-a da hero, boing boing! And da hero gotta jump-a da barrels and climb-a da ladders to rescue da signorina! [FINGER KISS]
CORMAN: Eh? So whadyathink, Dean?
KOONTZ: Um. Well, I dunno. How do you guys feel about dogs?
FADE. END