Anne Rice comes to the campfire to tell her timeless odd-couple romance about a depressed slave plantation owner and a total jerk, both vampires.
Anne Rice comes to the campfire to tell her timeless odd-couple romance about a depressed slave plantation owner who’s swept off his feet by a total jerk. Also, they’re both vampires. Al Copeland gets a taste of his own chicken.
Content notes: swearing, raised voices, gory noises, death, violence, murder, slavery, implied domestic abuse, sexual references, discussion of body dysmorphia, vomit.
CAST:
with
Additional voices by Eve Morris and David Court.
Script by Bitter Karella, edited by Robin Johnson. Audio production, music and lyrics by Robin Johnson. Closing theme performed by Dexter Howard and the cast.
Interview with the Vampire (1976) was the debut novel of Anne Rice (1941-2021). An influential work of gothic gay vampire romance, it was adapted into a Hollywood movie in 1994 and an ongoing AMC TV series since 2022. Rice wrote a large number of increasingly silly sequels, creating the Vampire Chronicles series. As referenced in the episode, she engaged in a bizarre, years-long feud with fried chicken magnate Al Copeland after he opened a restaurant in New Orleans.
A transcript of this episode is available at https://midnight-pals.simplecast.com/episodes/the-tale-of-the-interview-with-the-vampire/transcript
Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals is a work of social and literary satire. All characters are fictitious, especially the real ones; any elements of work not in the public domain are used for the purpose of parody and comment, and no challenge is intended to the ownership or validity of any intellectual property. The Midnight Pals is the creation of Bitter Karella ©
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SCENE 1--EXT. CAMPFIRE
[CAMPFIRE AMBIENCE]
POE: Welcome all, I call this gathering of the Midnight Society to order. Tonight’s storyteller will be Anne Rice.
KING: Anne Rice? You sure this is the right campfire for that, Edgar? We do scary stories here--not romances!
KOONTZ: Is this a KISSING book?
BARKER: Yeah, I’m not a big fan of the “romance” part. More a fan of what it leads up to.
LOVECRAFT: Stories shouldn’t have romance in them. They should have reedy academics isolating themselves in libraries.
POE: Guys, guys, guys. Anne’s not telling romance. It’s gothic romance. There’s a difference.
SHELLEY: Gothic romance? Now that’s the good shit. You gonna have a Byronic anti-hero in this, Anne?
RICE: Oh yes, indubitably!
SHELLEY: Nice. How about some sad pale dude just mooning around like a depressed sad sack?
RICE: Yes! Wow, you really know your gothic romance, Mary!
SHELLEY: Well, I did a little thing called inventing the genre. You know that Byronic anti-hero thing? I named that after my boyfriend.
RICE: Really? Which one?
SHELLEY: Which one do you think? Byron!
RICE: What about the sad pale dude mooning around like a depressed sad sack? Did you invent that too?
SHELLEY: Yeah, that’s based on Percy here. In’ that right, Percy?
PERCY SHELLEY: Yes, dear.
SHELLEY: That’s right. Good boy.
KING: Well, if it’s a gothic romance, I guess that’s appropriate.
RICE: Just you guys wait! By the end of this story, I’ll make true believers of you all! You’ll all be clamoring for more gothic romance. But especially, you’ll be clamoring for Lestat. Have I mentioned Lestat yet? He’s a vampire! My story has vampires, by the way! Ooo I am so excited for you guys all to finally meet Lestat!
BARKER: Oh right, right, your vampire.
RICE: “My vampire?!” now hold on there, Lestat is an awful lot more than just MY vampire. Lestat is only the coolest vampire of all. Lestat can speak over a dozen languages and he’s got 20 PhDs in all the sciences! He’s got one blue eye and one red eye, you know, to symbolize his dual nature. And one time he made out with Jesus and this other time he made out with the devil. See, I’m very religious this week, so these incidents in Lestat’s life actually have major spiritual significance to me.
KING: What’s the significance?
RICE: That they’re super hot.
BARKER: Can a vampire be that hot, though? I think if we learned anything from Bram Stoker’s story, it’s that vampires are totally not hot and have absolutely nothing to do with sex.
STOKER: That’s right. I’m glad to see that you were all paying attention.
BARKER: I was being sarcastic.
STOKER: Well, I wasn’t!
BARKER: Oh, yeah. You totally weren’t.
STOKER: Stop that!
RICE: My vampire’s different. He’s not like that musty old Dracula, he’s very sexy. And, here’s the best part, he wears one of those shirts, you know those shirts, the ones that make you look like a pirate?
BARKER: Those big ruffly Duran Duran shirts?
POE: Clive.
RICE: Yes! Exactly those! And a really fashionable dinner jacket with satin lapels! And a waistcoat of bright patterned silk! Oh, and black patent leather boots! And, ohhhhh my Gawd, did I mention how sensual his hands are? They are, like, SO sensual!
KING: Whoa there, slow down, Anne! You’re getting a little ahead of yourself, I think.
RICE: I’m sorry Steve, it’s just that when I think of Lestat… I just get so excited! Lestat’s just the best. He’s got beautiful milky creamy skin, so pure and pale and alabaster, oh it just gives me the squishies inside just thinking about it! He certainly doesn’t have stupid sparkly skin.
LOVECRAFT: Sparkly ski? You mean like the echinoderm of a Shoggoth?
RICE: No. Not like that.
LOVECRAFT: I should say not! Cuz that’s not stupid. That’s the skin of a killer!
RICE: Presented for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the Interview with the Vampire!
[THUNDER CRASHES, SMASH CUT TO:]
SCENE 2--INT. SAN FRANCISCO APARTMENT
OUTSIDE NOISES OF TRAFFIC
RICE: (V/O) Our story starts in San Francisco in the 80s, where a reporter is sitting down to do an interview with a vampire.
LOUIS: So you’re saying that you’d like to interview me? To do a veritable interview with the vampire?
REPORTER: In fact, that’s exactly what I propose to do, Mister…?
LOUIS: My friends call me Louis. Or they would, if I had any friends.
REPORTER: oh, Jeez, I’m sorry.
LOUIS: I’m very lonely, you see.
REPORTER: Ah, well, that’s the way it is, isn’t it?
LOUIS: That’s the life of the damned, though. To wander forever, cursed by man and beast alike, through a twilight world between life and death. To never see the beauty of the sunrise, to never feel the warmth of human companionship, to know only death. Only death, my friend.
REPORTER: Oh wait, is the interview starting? Hold on a second, I need to get my tape recorder started. [FIDDLING WITH TAPE RECORDER] Boy, it sure is tough being a reporter in the 80s and relying on magnetic tape, you know what I mean? Let me start out with some real softball questions, okay? So you’re a vampire. Are you scared of garlic?
LOUIS: Of course not. I fear only the eternal ennui of my own existence.
REPORTER: What about crucifixes? Can you look at a crucifix?
LOUIS: I’m actually quite fond of looking at crucifixes. They remind me of my own torment when I think about my disconnection from humankind.
REPORTER: Okay, that’s kinda weird. What about wearing capes, do you have to wear capes and say “blah blah blah!”?
LOUIS: That sounds like the ravings of that demented Irishman Bram Stoker.
RICE: (V/O) No offense, Bram.
STOKER: (V/O) None taken.
REPORTER: So none of those defamatory slanders about vampires put about by that neurotic hack are true at all?
LOUIS: Not one! I think he made them all up because he was jealous. I met him, you know. I’ve met all humans of note in the blink of an eye that you call the past four hundred years of history. And I can tell you on my honor as a vampire that Bram Stoker was the worst.
STOKER: (V/O) Okay, I’m starting to take offense.
REPORTER: So you can see yourself in mirrors?
LOUIS: Perfectly!
REPORTER: You can enter a house without being invited in?
LOUIS: Whenever I so choose.
REPORTER: Sunlight doesn’t kill you?
LOUIS: Of course n--oh, wait. Yes, it does. That one’s true.
REPORTER: What about putting a stake through your heart and cutting off your head?
LOUIS: Well, yes. But that also works on ordinary people. What kind of reporter are you, anyway?
REPORTER: I write for Buzzfeed. I mostly do listicles, actually. And those articles that just copy jokes people post on Twitter. Listen, do you think you could hurry this up and get to the bit with Lestat? I have a feeling that whenever Lestat is off screen, people are going to be asking “Where’s Lestat?”
LOUIS: Lestat! How I curse that name! If only I had known that becoming a vampire would involve getting saddled with the worst roommate of all time!
REPORTER: Uh huh. And you two were just roommates?
STOKER: Wait, I don’t get it. What is the reporter implying?
RICE: Oh, I think we all know what that reporter’s implying, right, fellas?
BARKER: Oh, I get it!
KOONTZ: I don’t get it.
POE: We’ll explain when you’re older, Dean.
SCENE 3--EXT. NEW ORLEANS
[ZYDECO MUSIC]
RICE: (V/O) It all started in New Orleans, back in the old days, when the streets of the French quarter were clogged 24/7 with roving zydeco bands and the bayou ran chunky with cajun shrimp and andouille gumbo. Louis was only 24, younger than the reporter he was speaking with now, but already a man, in old timey days thought. He was already the head of his own slave plantation, yet he was depressed because his wife and child were dead.
LOUIS: I’m so depressed because my wife and child are dead. Curse this gay ass bitch of a world! Everything is meaningless without my dead wife and child here with me! Not even the dignified profession of running my slave plantation can soothe the pain I feel in my soul! Not even the sweetest sugar that my slaves wrest from the pure 100% unadulterated Columbian sugar cane crops we plant is a sweet enough balm to calm this tormented soul!
RICE: And that’s when… Lestat walked into his life. Okay, everyone, hold on to your panties cuz they’re about to be soaked!
KING: I’m sorry, did I hear right--did you say that Louis owned a slave plantation?
RICE: Yes, that’s right. But that’s not the important thing, the important thing is that he’s about to meet Lestat.
KING: I dunno, I mean, a slave plantation? My boy Joe told me that sort of thing is kind of problematic. What if you, like, updated it to the Roaring 1920s and made Louis Creole?
RICE: Over my dead body!
BARKER: Oh! And instead of running a plantation, he could be a pimp!
SHELLEY: No. (THOUGHTFULLY) But he could facilitate a unionized sex-workers’ collective.
RICE: Guys! Lestat!
BARKER: Could he still have a nice hat and a cool old-timey car?
LOVECRAFT: Oh, here we go again with the woke nonsense! “Women have agency! Slavery is bad!” Why don’t you all go read a Florida textbook and get the real story!
RICE: Guuuys, can we focus? We’re talking about Lestat right now.
LESTAT: Well, well, well, Louis…
RICE: (V/O) [EXCITED WHISPERING] OMG, do you guys see him?! That’s Lestat right now!
KING: (V/O) Yeah, but this whole plantation thing-
RICE: (V/O) Steve! Shh! Lestat is talking!
LESTAT: So Louis, I hear that you’re depressed and that the world seems cruel and unpredictable. Allow myself to introduce myself. My name is Lestat de Lioncourt de Heartsong de Dark'ness Dementia Raven also known as the Brat Prince because of my petulant and headstrong ways. If you ask me, the treatment for your condition is obvious.
LOUIS: Oh please. I am not going to go see that hack Pagliacci again. That’s what all the therapists say.
LESTAT: No, Louis, I propose a much more practical solution to your existential ennui. How would you like to get higher than you’ve ever been before?
LOUIS: Become a vampire? Gee, I don’t know. Are there any downsides?
LESTAT: Not a one! See, Louis, your problem is that you’re depressed and want to die. So what I propose is, a solution that fails to deal with the underlying causes of your depression but also makes you live forever.
LOUIS: When you put it like that, I’d be a fool not to accept! Especially from a man with such sensual hands!
LESTAT: I knew you’d see it my way. Okay, I’m just going to bite your neck and drain your essence. [BITES LOUIS] Oh no, I got blood all over my teeth and mouth, but in a sexy way!
LOUIS: [ORGASMIC] My God! This feeling coursing through my veins! This raw power! I feel… reborn! It’s like having a male orgasm!
RICE: (V/O) Let me tell you, fellas, there is nothing more spiritual than the male orgasm.
POE: (V/O) Anne, don’t use that kind of language around Dean.
RICE: (V/O) But Louis didn’t know that now he would be bound to Lestat forever! Louis hoped that he could just brood in depressed solitude forever, but Lestat moved himself into Louis’ slave plantation and just lived there, messing everything up with his party boy lifestyle!
SCENE 4--INT. PLANTATION DINING ROOM
YVETTE: Mister Louis, all the slaves are worried sick about you. You’re not taking care of yourself right.
LOUIS: Yes, thank you for your concern, Yvette. That will be all.
YVETTE: And also the slaves all got together and decided that Mister Lestat is a bad influence on you.
LOUIS: Oh my God, Yvette, you’re not the boss of me, would you stop it!
YVETTE: Us slaves were thinking, maybe instead of hanging out with Mister Lestat all the time, you could go see Pagliacci again…?
LOUIS: Ugh, why do all my slave therapists keep recommending Paggliacci? I guess you get what you pay for with slave therapy.
YVETTE: Fine, don’t listen to me, I guess I’m just a slave and not your mom. I’m just saying, the slaves are really concerned. Speaking of, here comes Mister Lestat now.
LESTAT: (STAGGERING IN, DRUNK) Wow, what an absolutely wild night I just had! Heeeeey, Yvette, good to see you. How have the slaves been? Still slaving away?
YVETTE: Yes. That’s what we do.
LESTAT: That’s great, that’s real great. And look! If it isn’t good ol’ Screwy Louis!
LOUIS: I’ve asked you not to call me that, Lestat.
LESTAT: What you doing tonight, Screwy Louis? Moping? Sulking? Being depressed?
LOUIS: For your information, Lestat, I AM being depressed. Maybe you haven’t noticed but we’re monsters, condemned to an eternal un-death that can be sustained only by taking the lives of innocent human beings.
LESTAT: (CASUALLY) You know you can also live off animal blood! That’s like the first thing I told you in our vampire lessons. Another thing Bram Stoker got wrong!
LOUIS: That’s true. Bram Stoker is a total dick who lies about vampires. But animal blood doesn’t taste so nice, so we’re FORCED to feast on humans! No wonder I’m depressed.
LESTAT: Sounds depressing! Couldn’t be me, ha ha!
LOUIS: First of all, Lestat, it wouldn’t kill you to actually do some of the housework around here, seeing as you’re living parastically on MY slave plantation now. This place is a pig sty with all the dead bodies of courtesans and fops you leave all over the place!
LESTAT: Don’t you have slaves to clean this place for you, Louis?
LOUIS: The slaves aren’t here to do chores, Lestat, be realistic. And second, I really don’t approve of you killing people and sucking their blood.
LESTAT: Oh, you don’t? Louis, real talk--are you happy as a vampire? Cuz you don’t seem real on board with the whole killing people and drinking their blood thing and, really I cannot stress this enough, killing people and drinking their blood is, like, a really big thing for vampires. In fact, I’d say it’s pretty much our biggest thing. To the point that, if you’re not down with it, you might as well pack it all in now. I’m just laying it all out there for you, Screwy Louis.
LOUIS: Away, fiend! Leave me to my petulant brooding! I’m weary of your carefree swinger’s lifestyle! Begone! Begone!
LESTAT: Oh. My. God. I did not realize when I turned you, Louis, that I would be stuck with the world’s biggest nerd for all eternity.
BARKER: Holy shit, I never thought I’d say this, but Lestat is actually really relatable. He’s gay, he’s horny, he’s just the complete package if you think about it.
SHELLEY: I like the way he don’t suffer nerds. I find that bit really relatable myself.
BARKER: Yeah, Anne, this Louis guy is really cramping Lestat’s style. How much longer til Lestat gets rid of him?
RICE: No, no, you guys don’t get it! Sure, Lestat IS super hot, you’re right about that, but Louis is also hot in his own way.
BARKER: I’m not seeing it.
RICE: Well, the way he broods! It’s so smoldering. Doesn’t it just make you feel so bad for him? Don’t you just wanna cuddle him and tell him it’s all going to be okay?
KING: Oh, I get it. See, Louis is what they’d call on the ol’ TV Tropes “a woobie.”
SHELLEY: Oh good, nerd shit.
KING: Truthfully, Louis and Lestat feel kind of mismatched. They’re a regular odd couple!
RICE: I know it looks like Louis and Lestat won’t be able to save this relationship--they’re just too different--but then Lestat comes up with an idea to really bring them back together again.
LESTAT: Okay, Louis, I know what you’re going to say. Our whole vampire relationship has just gotten kinda stale lately, what with all the constant parties and sex and sex parties and parties where there’s less sex but lots of blood drinking. But I have a great idea that is guaranteed to rejuvenate a foundering relationship: having a kid!
LOUIS: A kid?
LESTAT: Yeah, just imagine it! Having a kid would be great! I’m sure that always having a kid in tow would definitely not in any way hurt our free-wheeling vampire lifestyle.
LOUIS: No, Lestat! That’s monstrous! To bring a child into this world of constant sorrow… monstrous!
LESTAT: Yeah yeah, everything is monstrous to you. Isn’t it, Louis? Just a big ol’ monstrous world. Fine, here’s a compromise: you mope about it and I’LL turn a kid into a vampire.
LOUIS: Okay, I guess I can live with that… but I’m not gonna like it!
LESTAT: Oh, are you gonna mope about it? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
RICE: So Lestat infected a little girl named Mary Sue--I mean, Claudia - with vampirism. Can you imagine how great that would be? To be a young woman with TWO gay vampire dads--and one of those two gay vampire dads just happens to be Lestat! But Claudia really did not appreciate this amazing gift that she was given.
ANNOUNCER: (V/O) “My Two Gay Vampire Dads” is filmed before a live studio audience.
‘90s SITCOM THEME MUSIC PLAYS.
CLAUDIA: (V/O) (CHEESY SITCOM INTRO VOICEOVER STYLE) This is me, Claudia de-Pointe-du-Lac-de-Lioncourt. Creepy, huh? This is my dad. And THIS is my dad! How’d I get two dads? One of them found me in the wreckage of a slum after a hurricane, clinging desperately to the corpse of my mother! He transformed me into a bloodsucking psycho stuck forever in a child’s body, and took me home as a baby trap for my other dad. Now we’re one happy family!
THEME SONG: So no-one told you death was gonna be this way!
You’ve got two dads and they’re both vampires who are gay!
You wanna murder and go freakin’ wild
But you’re trapped inside the body of a... prepubescent child, with
TWO GAY VAMPIRE DADS! What a wild, wacky ride!
TWO GAY VAMPIRE DADS! They’ve been right by your side!
TWO GAY VAMPIRE DADS! Since the day that you diiiieeeeeed!
CUT TO LOUIS AND LESTAT’S HOUSE
LOUIS: Oh god. Please tell me I’m not Paul Reiser. [STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHTER] Claudia! Claudia! Have you been killing the servants again? You know that’s not allowed since they abolished slavery. And--as your other father so eloquently puts it--you shouldn’t shit where you eat!
CLAUDIA: Aww, I was so hungry, Daddy Louis! [STUDIO AUDIENCE “AWWWW”]
LOUIS: I told you, pumpkin, you don’t have to murder people at all. You can live off animals!
CLAUDIA: But I’m a vegetarian! [STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
DOOR OPENS
LESTAT: Honey, I’m home!! [STUDIO AUDIENCE WHOOPS LIKE IT’S THE FONZ]
LOUIS: Lestat! Did you see what your daughter did?
LESTAT: Oh, she’s always MY daughter when she eats the staff! [STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
LOUIS: But that was our head cook! Who’s gonna cook heads for us now? [STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHTER] AND the Mayor is coming to dinner! How are we gonna serve him now?
LESTAT: I dunno... in garlic sauce? [STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHTER] Hang on, let me massacre this annoying live studio audience. [STUDIO AUDIENCE SCREAMS, DIES]
LOUIS: Will you talk some sense into her?
LESTAT: Fine! Claudia, what did we say about shitting where you eat?
CLAUDIA: [POUTING] But, Daddy Lestat, I WANT to shit where I eat! Why did you make me a vampire if I can’t do anything that I want? Now I’m stuck as a little girl and I’m never going to get the one thing that I really desire: huge luscious boobies!
LOUIS: I don’t understand this. Why would you want that? Why would anyone want tits?
LESTAT: Didn’t you used to have a wife?
LOUIS: Oh right. I’ve been a gay vampire for so long that I forgot about that.
LESTAT: Well, I understand it, because I’m not just a gay vampire. I’m pretty bi, in fact. And you know the fact that you, Claudia, will never grow up and never grow the big luscious titties that you so desire… that is very funny to me! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!
QUICK FADE TO CAMPFIRE
BARKER: Christ, this Lestat? He’s kind of an dick. But also, kind of compelling in his dickness.
KING: Yeah, I was just gonna say… I kinda hate him? But I also kinda love him!
POE: A regular Byronic bad boy, just like Mary said.
SHELLEY: Yep, that’s the stuff.
RICE: You see what I’m saying? He’s SUCH an asshole that you can’t NOT want him!
LOVECRAFT: Y’know... everyone calls me an asshole. But nobody wants me.
SHELLEY/RICE: Shut up, Howard!
LOVECRAFT: Guess I’m just too much of a nice asshole.
SCENE 5--LOUIS AND LESTAT’S HOUSE
FADE BACK TO LOUIS AND LESTAT’S HOUSE
CLAUDIA: Listen, Daddy Louis, I’ve had enough of Daddy Lestat. He’s so obnoxiously sexy and his flamboyant party boy attitude is cramping my ability to eat the staff and your ability to brood effectively. You get what I’m saying, don’t you, Daddy Louis?
LOUIS: Yeah, he really isn’t the brooding type.
CLAUDIA: That’s what I’m saying! If we got rid of him, it would just be you and me… We could sail to Europe, I could order some tits from this Roanyer website, and you could do all the brooding you wanted all day, every day!
LOUIS: I have been meaning to get more brooding in. You know what, I’m in.
RICE: (V/O) So together, Louis and Claudia hatched a plot to off Lestat.
CLAUDIA: Daddy Lestat, I know we’ve had our differences, so to make up for it all, I brought you a present.
LESTAT: I hope it’s a beautiful woman with all the attributes that you shall never possess.
CLAUDIA: Always with the negging. No, I brought you these two guys. You should totally drink their blood right now. I did not poison their blood in any way. Wink, wink!
LOUIS: [STAGE WHISPER] Claudia, stop winking. Or at least stop SAYING “wink” while you do it!
LESTAT: Well, seeing as I’ve been reassured about the purity of their blood, then don’t mind if I do! [DRINKS BLOOD] Mmm now that’s some good blood… wait… there’s a strange aftertaste… a strange aftertaste of… poison?! You let me drink poisoned blood? Gross! Bleh! Phew! Ugh! Ick! Yuck! Ugh! Gross! Bleh! Bleh! Ugh! Gross! Ick! Yuck! Bleh! Yuck! Ugh! Gross! Ugh! Bleh! Phew! Ick! [LESTAT COLLAPSES]
CLAUDIA: Good, he’s-
LESTAT: Bleh! Phew! Ick! Gack! Bleh! [LESTAT COLLAPSES AGAIN]
CLAUDIA: Good, he’s-
LESTAT: Bleeeeeeeeeehhh!! [LESTAT COLLAPSES YET AGAIN]
CLAUDIA: [PAUSE] Good, he’s dead. Let’s dump him in the swamp and then we can run away to Europe and be Bohemian.
LOUIS: Perhaps we should be dead as well. It’s nothing less than what we deserve.
CLAUDIA: Oh my God, just shut up. Remind me why I killed Daddy Lestat instead of you?
BARKER: Yeah, we’re all wondering that.
POE: Don’t interrupt the story, Clive.
SHELLEY: If it was up to me, I definitely would not have chosen Louis.
RICE: So Louis and Claudia go on a whirlwind tour of Europe--Vienna, Budapest, Paris--in search of other vampires. And eventually, they do meet more vampires! And the best part? These vampires are gay too! They live in a secret famous cabaret club, the Vampire Moulin Rouge, where everyone just does vampire pony play 24/7!
LOVECRAFT: All the vampires in Paris are gay?
SHELLEY: Never been to Paris, have you, Howard?
KING: Maybe some of them are just... bite-curious!!
POE: Steve.
STOKER: I’m really not liking the direction you’re taking these vampires, Anne.
BARKER: I don’t know why you’re objecting. You had that whole gay vampire story about Dracula.
STOKER: What are you talking about? Dracula wasn’t a gay vampire story! Don’t you remember that Dracula had those three brides that he never fucked?
RICE: Enough about Dracula! We were talking about Lestat… or rather, how pointless Louis and Claudia’s lives were now that Lestat wasn’t around anymore. Not even this new gay vampire Moulin Rouge could fill the void!
SCENE 6--INT. VAMPIRE MOULIN ROUGE
GLASSES CLINKING, CABARET MUSIC PLAYING
LOUIS: Great news, Claudia! I just met the vampire owner of this place. He’s named Armand. You know, like Armand Hammer the famous cannibal.
CLAUDIA: Oh great, you found another vampire to be gay with? That’s just peachy. And what am I supposed to do?
LOUIS: I hadn’t thought that far ahead.
CLAUDIA: Okay, well, I did. I just found this random woman, right, you can turn her into a vampire and she can be my new mom and then you can go be gay with your new boyfriend. How about that?
LOUIS: Oh Claudia, it’s not that simple.
CLAUDIA: I mean, it kind of is.
LOUIS: For you, Claudia, because I love you and am inseparably bonded to you and I feel the painful burden of responsibility for your decadent upbringing, I will turn this random woman into a vampire and ditch you with her in a strange foreign city surrounded by hostile, more powerful vampires while I go off and start a new life with this French vampire pimp I’ve known for five minutes. It’s the least I can do as a father. Even if it means… (SHUDDER) touching the neck of a woman with my mouth… [BITES WOMAN]
RICE: And so Louis turned the random woman into a vampire. When Claudia returned, the woman was in her death throes, her old life ebbing, and Louis was brooding. Again.
CLAUDIA: [WOMAN SCREAMING IN BACKGROUND] So, like, how’d it go? Smooth? No hang-ups? All good?
LOUIS: What died in that room, Claudia, was not that woman…
CLAUDIA: No? She looks pretty dead, actually.
LOUIS: Quiet, let me finish. I was being melancholy.
CLAUDIA: Oh, right, right.
LOUIS: What died in that room was… the last shred of my lingering humanity. Cough, cough. Forgive me, Claudia. Cough, cough.
CLAUDIA: Yeah, okay, whatever. So me and this new bitch, we’re outta here. Come on, new mom, I’ll show you how to eviscerate cops! [SOUND OF VAMPIRES FLYING OFF]
LOUIS: [WEAKLY] Forgive me…
SCENE 7 - EXT. NEW ORLEANS
RICE: (V/O) But here’s the crazy thing. Back in America, Lestat wasn’t nearly as dead as they thought he was. After they dumped his body in the swamp, he was able to reconstitute himself by using frog DNA to fill in the gaps. Eventually, the resurrected Lestat returned to New Orleans to face his biggest challenge to date. Now forced to fight for prey against the zydeco bands that swarmed the streets, Lestat was drawn to one place above all others.
LESTAT: Wow, my time in the swamp really put things into perspective for me. Maybe Claudia and Louis had a point about how my free-wheeling libertine lifestyle just drives everyone away. I need to think. I must return to the unhallowed place of my birth, that dread vacant lot where I was first born into darkness on the fangs of a fiend, that terrible waste where… what the hell, it’s a Popeye’s Chicken now?!
RICE: (V/O) That’s right! While Lestat was busy sexily swinging for the past century, some asshole had developed the vacant lot that was Lestat’s birthplace into a Popeye’s Fried chicken restaurant!
LESTAT: [SCREAMING TO THE HEAVENS] Al Copeland!!! Al Copeland, you monster!!!
SCENE 8--INT. POPEYES
RICE: Well, Lestat wasn’t about to take this lying down! He was going to take back that vacant car lot… for the children of the night!
KING: I’m sorry, Anne, did you say that Lestat is declaring war on a Popeye’s chicken restaurant?
RICE: They desecrated the field of his birth, Steven.
KING: It is good chicken, though.
RICE: No one’s arguing about the quality of the chicken, Steve! The point is that Al Copeland is a villain and a knave and a jerk and he tried to take Lestat’s birthright from him! Lestat cannot allow this insult to stand! See, Lestat is actually really proud and that pride gets him into trouble sometimes. So he went to see Al Copeland himself!
COPELAND: Listen, ya lousy landlubbers, if’n you wants fried chicken, then get yourself down ta Popeye’s or (POPEYE MUMBLING)
LESTAT: Copeland! How dare you desecrate the unholy ground of my birth! Your fried chicken is an affront to the culture of New Orleans and also to my personal sexiness!
COPELAND: Well, blow me down, ack ack ack!
LESTAT: No mortal can resist the powers of the undead! You forget, sir, that I am Lestat, an ancient vampire with powers beyond those of a mere mortal! And what are you, sir?
COPELAND: I yam what I yam and that’s all that I yam.
LESTAT: I challenge you to a vampire’s duel!
COPELAND: If we can't be frens we'll be emenies!
LESTAT: Put down that spinach!
COPELAND: That's all I can stands, 'cause I can't stands no more! (GULPS SPINACH) [POPEYE THEME PLAYS]
SCENE 9--INT. SAN FRANCISCO APARTMENT
OUTSIDE MUFFLED TRAFFIC AMBIENCE
LOUIS: And that’s my story. Lestat challenged Al Copeland to a duel, so Al Copeland ate a big can of spinach that caused his forearms to suddenly swell up and display animated images of battleships firing off. Then he punched Lestat so hard that Lestat flew out the window and into an open grave that just happened to be in the lot next door to the Popeyes and then a bunch of dirt and tombstone that said RIP fell on top of him. Oh, and Claudia and her new mom got burned to death by those guys at the Vampire Moulin Rouge, but I don’t think anyone really cares about that, since everyone’s always just asking “Where’s Lestat?” and “What happened to Lestat?” and “Hey, can Lestat get me a discount at that Popeye’s they built over the vacant lot where he was born?”
REPORTER: [CHEWING, WITH MOUTH FULL] You know, it is pretty good chicken. “Love that chicken from Popeye’s!” Ha ha. I’m sorry, I just got my tape recorder working. You were saying?
LOUIS: I was saying that being a vampire is unending woe and isolation. Now that you know the full story, you can tell your readers and they can finally stop romanticizing it. What angle were you thinking of using for this article, by the way?
REPORTER: Oh you know something like “Local man, 400, weary of immortality.”
LOUIS: Yes, yes. That’s good.
REPORTER: But that whole depressed eternal life thing... I’m really beginning to think that’s mostly a you problem, Louis. Being a vampire sounds great. You get to stay young, party every night, and hang out with a super cool guy like Lestat. What a gift! I think anyone would want to be a vampire! Look, Louis, I’ve been thinking a lot tonight and how about you make me a vampire? Your big problem is that you just don’t have another dude that you can hang out with, you know, and just be vampire bros together. I could be that guy for you. I could be the Harker to your Dracula. You know, just hang out, drink a little of each other’s blood, nothing gay.
LOUIS: You fool! You learned nothing! I didn’t brood sexily for 400 years just to have my story ruined like this! [WAILING, SCREAMING]
REPORTER: Whoa, this guy’s really off his rocker! I think I’ll just leave.
LESTAT: [DOOR BURSTS OPEN, WIND] Not so fast!
RICE: But as he’s leaving, guess who shows up?
KOONTZ: Who?
RICE: [PAUSE] It’s Lestat!
BARKER: Oh shit, talk about a plot twist!
LESTAT: [“SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL”-ESQUE MUSIC FAINTLY PLAYS IN BACKGROUND] So! You’re the reporter who conducted the supposed interview with the vampire? I presume that I need no introduction?
REPORTER: Whoa! Your haughty yet enticing demeanor! Your ruffley shirt! Your patent black leather boots! You must be… Lestat!
LESTAT: That’s right, uh, reporter! Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. In fact, it was actually the other guy who died, I killed him and he didn’t kill me and I got rid of that Popeyes Chicken restaurant which is totally not there anymore, no need to fact check that assertion. But now I’ve come to offer you the choice that I never had! Do you dare to become a vampire like me and experience the raw, intoxicating power of the full male orgasm unleashed? Or will you perish like a dog in the street? And you, the listening audience! I invite you to ask yourselves the same question! Would you embrace immortality even at the expense of your own soul? Think about it! Until then, I remain… Lestat the vampire!!!! No wait... The Vampire, Lestat! [DRAMATIC FLOURISH]
RICE: And that’s the end of the interview. But we’re all in agreement, right? Lestat is just the best!
BARKER: Gotta admit, I think I might be sold on Lestat.
KING: I do like his party hearty attitude.
KOONTZ: I want to write some Lestat stories! What if I wrote a Lestat fanfic… like how I did for Frankenstein!
RICE: No. No one else writes ANYTHING about Lestat. Lestat is mine! Write a Louis fanfic if you want.
KOONTZ: (SULKING) Screwy Louis? I don’t wanna write about him.
BARKER: Yeah, Louis sucks, Anne. No one wants to write about him.
RICE: You guys just don’t understand. He’s a tortured soul!
BARKER: No, he sucks. You were right, Anne, Lestat is SO much better.
KING: Yeah, honestly, Clive’s right. I think we all preferred Lestat.
RICE: Wait… do you guys mean it?! You guys really like Lestat? That’s great, cuz I got SO many more stories about him! Like, the time that he went back in time and met King Arthur and then they made out and then this one time…
FADE.
THEME SONG — to a tune similar to "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast:
LEFOU: Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Lestat,
Lying face down in the swamp.
Kindly allow me to free you, Lestat;
In return, you might give me a chomp?
There's no one as sexy or scary as you;
You're everyone's favorite vamp!
Everyone's fearful and weary of you!
You're the top! You're the boss! You're the champ!
CHORUS: No one kills like Lestat,
Gives you chills like Lestat,
Or appears on third-floor windowsills like Lestat!
ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE: He's the bad boy that everyone's smitten by!
LOVECRAFT: This restless, rebellious maverick!
CHORUS: And there's no-one we'd rather be bitten by,
And left lifeless and cold and cadaveric!
No one's feared like Lestat
Or revered like Lestat;
LEFOU: No one looks such a dream when blood-smeared like Lestat!
LESTAT: I'm especially hot when exsanguinating!
CHORUS: Man, how we stan that Lestat!
Give me a scream! (SCREAM)
Ain't we all simps?
Lestat is the best,
And the rest is all wimps!
He's so horny and fit and libidinous!
LESTAT: As you see, I've got fangs like a beast!
CHORUS: And we're desperate for him to feed on us!
LESTAT: Trust me, it's well worth becoming deceased...
CHORUS: No one growls like Lestat!
Disembowels like Lestat!
ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON: No one rocks scarlet velveteen cowls like Lestat!
LESTAT: It's just practical garb for eviscerating...
LOVECRAFT: Lord, he's adored!
LEFOU: That's Lestat!
LESTAT: When I first turned, I drank four people's blood
Every sunset to make me spectacular;
And now every day I drink more people's blood
And I'm ten times as awesome as Dracula!
[CREDITS ARE READ OUT OVER INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]
CHORUS: No one sucks like Lestat!
No one fucks like Lestat!
LOVECRAFT: Makes our husbands and wives into cucks like Lestat!
LESTAT: Though undead, I'm still ready for fornicating!
LEFOU: Who'd turn down an offer like that?
CHORUS: Who wouldn't want rammed by the King of the Damned?
Oh what a bi...
Leeeeestaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!!!!!
POST-CREDIT SCENE
COPELAND: Ack ack ack! “Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals” would like to thank its generous sponsor Popeyes Famous Fried Chicken, without which none of this would have been necessary. “Love that Popeye’s Chicken!” (SINGS TO THE POPEYE THEME TUNE) Ohhhhhh your arteries’ll thicken/ If you eats me chicken/ I’m Al Copeland the Popeye’s man! [TOOT TOOT]
ANNOUNCER: “Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals” is not really sponsored by Popeye’s Chicken.
FADE.
END
Script © 2025 Bitter Karella. No reproduction without permission.