Low-budget movie mogul Roger Corman sets out to produce a papier maché blockbuster adaptation of Edgar Allan Poe's classic tale of psychological suspense.
Low-budget movie mogul Roger Corman sets out to produce a papier maché blockbuster adaptation of Edgar Allan Poe's classic tale of psychological suspense. Loosely following the plot of the original, Poe is tasked with taking care of a Scottish castle belonging to a certain formerly popular children's author. But uh oh! His wacky pal Stephen King arrives... with his all-amateur band, the Rock Bottom Remainders, in tow! When an electrical blackout results in the Pals smashing a priceless collection of literary awards, it's a race to get the castle presentable again before the gender-critical reptilian returns!
Content notes: swearing, raised voices, sexual references, loud noises, discussion of transphobia, death including drowning.
CAST:
with
and special guest star
Edgar Allan Poe's The Tell-Tale Heart is available in Volume 2 of his collected works on Project Gutenberg at https://www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/2148/pg2148-images.html
A transcript of this episode can be found at https://midnight-pals.simplecast.com/episodes/s01e08-the-tale-of-the-tell-tale-heart/transcript
The Midnight Pals is the creation of Bitter Karella ©
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[THEME MUSIC PLAYS—A SPOOKY PIECE ON PIPE ORGAN IN 3/4 TIME, BASED AROUND 12 CHIMES OF A CHURCH BELL]
VOICEOVER (Rodrigo Borges): Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals, by Bitter Karella.
[MUSIC PLAYS OUT.
FADE IN AMBIENCE OF HOLLYWOOD OFFICE—TRAFFIC AND HELICOPTERS OUTSIDE.
INTERCOM BUZZER SOUNDS]
SECRETARY (Marnie Warner) (ON INTERCOM): Your 10 o’clock is here ta see you, Mr C!
ROGER CORMAN (Bitter Karella): That’s great, Tina, send him in. [INTERCOM CLICKS OFF. DOOR OPENS] Well, if it ain’t Edgar Allan Poe! Edgar, Babe! Sweetie! How are ya?!
EDGAR ALLAN POE (Rodrigo): I’m doing well, Roger. You said you wanted to talk to me about a movie idea?
CORMAN: That’s right, baby! You can trust me, Roger Corman, star of the podcast! We’re gonna make a million dollars, baby! A solid gold money maker! Ya know that story you wrote, The Tell-Tale Heart? We’re gonna make it into the biggest movie of the year!
POE: I don’t know, Roger. I’ve been burned before. Remember when you made Edgar Allan Poe’s "The Haunted Palace"?
CORMAN: Yeah, yeah, that’s right. Based on your story The Case Of Charles Dexter Ward.
POE: That was HP Lovecraft’s story!
CORMAN: So we take a little creative license. Is that so bad, baby? Edgar, if you wanna make it in this business, you gotta learn to play ball!
POE: And what’s the plot of this Tell Tale Heart movie? Is it going to involve, like, Roland the Gunslinger? Or perhaps Carnaki the Ghost Finder?
CORMAN: Edgar, Edgar, Edgar, you got me all wrong! Trust me, baby. We got 8 bucks fer some dry ice an’ I got dis rubber pickle suit left over from ‘It Conquered the world.’ Dat’s all we need, babe! We’re gonna do you right this time.
POE: Okay, but the tell-tale heart... Roger, it’s a classic slow burn tale of psychological suspense. Do you really think it’ll resonate with today’s audiences?
CORMAN: Oh it’s gonna resonate, baby. We’re gonna punch it up!
POE: Of course. I knew it.
CORMAN: No, no, not like that, babe. Just lemme set the scene for ya, babe… See, it all takes place at this spooky old Scottish castle...
POE: Scottish castle?
CORMAN: With a four foot fence all around da periphery!
POE: That sounds like JK Rowling’s castle.
CORMAN: Hey, you a smart kid, Edgar. Here, have a cigar.
[FADE.
FADE IN AMBIENCE OF SCOTTISH CASTLE. RAIN OUTSIDE. CREAKING WOOD. HEAVY ECHO.
JOANNE’S LEITMOTIF PLAYS: A SHORT PIECE ON CELESTA AND OBOE, REMINISCENT OF THE “HARRY POTTER” THEME]
JOANNE (Hailey Piper): Hello children.
POE: Hello, Joanne. You said you needed someone to castle sit while you went out?
JOANNE: Yessss, that’sss right. I have a very important meeting tonight of my Terf Death Eatersss. Jesssse Ssssingal’sss about to unveil a whole new lisssst of ssspuriousss concernsss he’ssss been workshopping.
POE: Oh. That’s, uh... ok, sure.
JOANNE: But I ssssimply can’t leave my Sssscottish cassstle unattended! What if ssssomeone triesss to throw a wissspa wrapper over the fence? I need a resssponsssible cassstle sssitter who won’t throw any wild partiesss in here while I’m out.
POE: Oh, I wouldn’t do that.
JOANNE: Yesss, I would know if you did. I would sssense the vibrationsssss through the ground. Edgar, I musssst impressss upon you the gravity of my requessssst. Thissss sssscotiish casssstle isssss asssss precious to me as my own sssnake ssspawn. Ssso many fond memoriessss within thessse wallssss: sssso many moltingsss, sssso many brumationsssss. If sssomething were to happen to my casssstle, I would be absolutely besssside myself.
POE: I mean, I’d feel pretty bad if anything happened to your castle on my watch.
JOANNE: You’d probably feel pretty guilty.
POE: Yeah, guilty. That’s likely how I’d feel.
JOANNE: Probably eaten up with guilt.
POE: Uh. Yeah, sure. Really, I’m just gonna use this as a quiet evening to get some writing done.
JOANNE: Excellent. But before I go, Edgar, know this: There’ssss a four foot fence around the essstate. That means no one getss in... and no one getss out! [OMINOUS THUNDER CRASH] Ssseee you!
[JOANNE DEPARTS, SLITHERING]
POE: This is perfect. I can finally get some writing done without Stephen and the gang interrupting me all the time!
[PAPER SHUFFLING, PEN SCRIBBLING. BASS LINE LEADS IN TO RHYTHMIC BACKGROUND MUSIC TO SUPPORT THE POETRY]
POE: (WRITING) Once upon a midnight giddily, at a carnival in Italy,
I conducted, rather wittily, quite an act of japery;
Met a man named Fortunado, famous wine aficionado;
“Fancy some Amontillado?” I suggested temptingly.
Please excuse the wet cement!” I added, grinning gleefully,
As the sucker followed me.
So I lured the foolish feller to my secret soundproof cellar...
(PAUSE) [MUSIC FADES] ....Ehh, maybe that one would work better as a short story. OK, how about:
[WRITING. MUSIC STARTS AGAIN] Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
(GETTING INTO IT) Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore—
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
[KNOCK AT DOOR. MUSIC AND WRITING STOP]
POE: Uh. Who is it?
STEPHEN KING (Jason Robinson) (OFF): It’s me! Stephen! Stephen King!
POE: [OPENING DOOR] Steve?! What are you doing here?
KING: We heard Joanne was going out for the night. So I thought, boy, I bet that Scottish castle has some killer acoustics. It would be a great place for the Rock Bottom Remainders to jam! I figured you wouldn’t mind, Edgar. Come on, bring it in, fellas!
[CROWD MURMURS, SOUNDS OF EQUIPMENT BEING MOVED IN, CONTINUING THROUGH THE SCENE]
POE: Steve! You’re going to get us in trouble!
KING: Oh, I’m sure it’ll be fine. Joanne will never know! She doesn’t have ears, after all.
POE: She said she could feel vibrations. How did you even find this place?!
CLIVE BARKER (Sister Indica): Well, you know those two trans protesters doxed her that one time, so it wasn’t hard. Just kidding, it’s on the fucking historic register, everyone knows where this place is!
POE: Cute, Clive, very cute. So Clive Barker’s here too.
BARKER: Hell yeah, I wouldn’t miss this.
KING: Just put the speakers right over there, Clive.
BARKER: [PUTTING DOWN SPEAKERS] So this is a Scottish castle, huh?
NEIL GAIMAN (Dexter Howard): Indeed! An edifice of the imagination, through which the dreams of the very centuries could pass! Can’t you feel the weight of human potential in the very stones?
POE: Clive, you used to be British. Can you understand Neil Gaiman... who’s here too, apparently?
BARKER: He said yes. Thanks, Neil. So... where does Joanne keep the sex dungeon?
POE: Clive
BARKER: After all, it’s not a real Scottish castle without a sex dungeon. She probably does all kind of freaky shit down there. Like, she’s probably got a whole mating ball going on.
POE: Clive, she’s Britain’s most beloved children’s writer! I don’t think she would have a sex dungeon.
BARKER: Roald Dahl has a sex dungeon.
POE: Ok, true, but—
BARKER: Enid Blyton has a sex dungeon.
POE: I—wait, what?
GAIMAN: Ah yes, it’s in the boudoir of the mind, the subterrane carnal carnival, that the human need to give voice to our deepest desires springs forth! It gives new connodictions to the phrase “lashings of ginger beer”, if you know what I mean.
BARKER: Uh, yeah. Sure, Neil. It’s in the basement, right?
MARY SHELLEY (Rebecca D’Souza) (INTERRUPTING) Sup, fuckers?
POE: Mary Shelley!? You’re here too??
SHELLEY: Heard you nerds were having a party. And I thought, that doesn’t seem right. You can’t have a party without the queen witch.
DEAN KOONTZ (Wren Montgomery): Who’s the queen witch?
POE/KING/BARKER: Hi, Dean.
SHELLEY: “Who’s the queen witch?” Is this guy fucking with me?
POE: Mary, don’t. It’s Dean.
SHELLEY: Alright, alright, fine. So where’s the sex dungeon?
BARKER: I told you there was a sex dungeon!
SHELLEY: The guys and I are, uh, we just wanna see it.
BARKER: (APPROVINGLY) I see you brought your boyfriends.
PERCY/BYRON: Hello.
SHELLEY: Did I say you could talk?
BARKER: (GREETING PERCY AND BYRON) Hey!
SHELLEY: Guys, this is Byron and Percy. Byron’s bi, but he’s gay for Percy. Percy’s gay, but he’s straight for me.
POE: ...and why do you want to see the sex dungeon?
SHELLEY: You know. To fuck.
BARKER: Nice.
POE: Steve, who are all these people?
KING: Don’t sweat it, Edgar. We just told a couple fans and well-wishers about the concert.
POE: Concert?! Steve, I promised Joanne that I’d make sure nothing happened to her castle! The last thing that she’d want is a bunch of rowdy rock fans trashing the place!
KING: Don’t worry, Edgar! These are Rock Bottom Remainders fans! They’ll hardly know they’re here!
[AMBIENCE FADES OUT AND BACK IN]
KING: (INTO MICROPHONE) [AWFUL REVERB, FEEDBACK NOISE] Hello, ladies and germs, it’s me, your host with the most Stephen King and welcome to this dress rehearsal of the Rock Bottom Remainders here at JK Rowling’s Scottish Castle! We got a great show tonight, with “Scary Mary” Shelly on drums [DRUM RIFF], Clive “Barkin’ Mad” Barker on lead guitar [GUITAR RIFF], Neil “The Real Deal” Gaiman on ethereal vibraphone [GHOSTLY VIBRAPHONE NOISE], “Mean Dean” Koontz on
DEAN: [EXCITED KAZOO DOOTING]
KING: Not yet, Dean.
DEAN: (WITH KAZOO IN MOUTH) sorry.
KING: “Mean Dean” Koontz on kazoo! Tonight, we are going to rock your world!!!
SHELLEY: Hey, how come we still don’t have a bassist?
KING: Well, I asked Howard, but he said he wasn’t a bassist, he just thought bassists had a lot of good ideas! [DRUM HIT] I might have misheard him.
POE: Guys! You can’t plug in all that equipment! This is a very old Scottish castle and [FUSE BLOWS] you’re gonna blow a fuse. [SOUNDS OF CROWD CONFUSION, PEOPLE BUMPING INTO THINGS, KNOCKING THINGS OVER. CROWD GRADUALLY DISSIPATES OVER THE COURSE OF THE SCENE]
KING: Oops. No need to panic, ladies and germs, everything is under control!
POE: Please! Be careful! This Scottish castle is full of JK Rowling’s priceless Scottish heirlooms!
SOMETHING CRASHES AND SHATTERS
BARKER: (LAUGHING) Whoops!
POE: Clive! You just broke JK Rowling’s 2001 Hugo Award for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire!
KING: Don’t worry, Edgar, we can glue it back together!
SHELLEY: Careful, Steve! It might be a Horcrux.
SOMETHING CRASHES AND SHATTERS
SHELLEY: Aw, shit.
POE: Oh no! Mary, watch out! That’s JK Rowling’s 2000 Locus Award for Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban!
KING: A little rubber cement and it’ll be good as—
SOMETHING CRASHES AND SHATTERS
DEAN: Oops!
POE: Dean! Please be careful! You just broke her 2017 Goodreads Choice Award for Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them!
KING: She probably won’t notice that one got broken.
SOMETHING FALLS OVER
GAIMAN: Dash and gadzooks!
POE: Neil! That was her 2019 Ripple of Hope award from the Robert F Kennedy Human Rights Foundation. It’s in pieces!
GAIMAN: I do believe that particular bauble was pre-smithereened, its worth scattered to the winds like so much sand from the hourglass of life.
BARKER: Yeah, she smashed it herself when she realized they support human rights. Don’t glue that one back together, she’ll be furious. (KNOCKING SOMETHING) Oh, shit.
SOMETHING FALLS OVER
POE: Clive!
BARKER: It’s okay. That plinth didn’t have anything on it.
POE: That’s where she would put her award for her Cormarant Strike novels, if she had one! Everybody, please, stop moving! You’ve done enough damage! We have to get the lights back on before you guys completely destroy this castle!
BARKER: Hey, don’t worry, I’ll take care of this. Where’s the switch?
SHELLEY: I dunno, maybe he went off with Percy somewhere.
BARKER: I mean the fusebox. Basement, right?
SHELLEY: Oh hell yeah, I’ll come too.
POE: LOOK, there’s no sex dungeon down there and [SCRABBLING NOISE] wait... did you hear that?
KING: Yeah, what was that?
POE: Sounds like something in the vents.
KING: Do you think that’s Brian Jacques?
POE: No, that’s too big to be Brian Jacques. That sounds like Diane Duane.
BARKER: You know what? I changed my mind. Why don’t YOU go fix it, Edgar? After all, Joanne did trust the house to you.
POE: Gee, thanks, Clive. Okay, give me a candle. I’ll go fix it. But you lot better not get into any trouble up here while I’m gone.
BARKER: Oh, we wouldn’t dream of it, Edgar. Ha ha.
POE: What about you, Mary? You still coming?
SHELLEY: Fuck it, I’ll come. I’m not scared of Diane Duane.
POE: You sure? She did write for Gargoyles.
SHELLEY: Yeah, well, she also wrote Barbie’s Fairytopia. I’ll be fine. Besides, she gives us any trouble and she’ll get a taste of this. [FLIPS SWITCHBLADE]
POE: Mary, put that switchblade away. You’re gonna hurt someone.
SHELLEY: That’s the point. Open the door, Edgar, let’s do this.
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN.
FADE BACK TO HOLLWOOD OFFICE.
OFFICE DOOR OPENS]
DARIO ARGENTO (Dexter): Scuse? Itsa me, Dario! Dario Argento!
CORMAN: Whadya want, Dario? I’m kinda busy here, baby. I’m explaining my vision for the Tell-Tale Heart motion picture to my pal Edgar here. Time! Is! Money!
POE: So far you’re taking a lot of liberties with the source material.
CORMAN: That’s Hollywood magic, baby!
ARGENTO: Scuse, Signor Corman, issa all wrong! You tella dis story no good!
CORMAN: Whadya mean it’s no good? It’s cheap, baby, we gonna make this whole movie for eight dollars! What more do ya want?
ARGENTO: Itsa got no passion! No color!
CORMAN: Well, of course not, we ain’t got to the sex dungeon yet, this is all build up!
POE: Must there be a sex dungeon?
CORMAN: Edgar, baby, trust me, I ever steer you wrong before? Lemme tell you, every half hour, we gotta put in some skin. We’re gonna have Patricia Highsmith making out with Shirley Jackson. We’re gonna have Angela Carter doing werewolf sex. Trust me, the kids’ll really eat this up.
ARGENTO: No, no, no! Signor Poe, let Dario tell you how Dario would make-a da meatball! Listen, now Dario will tella da story. Firsta, you gotta adda the chilling progressive synth rock score-a!
[PROGRESSIVE SYNTH ROCK VERSION OF THEME TUNE STARTS PLAYING, CONTINUING THROUGH FOLLOWING SCENE.
AMBIENCE FADES TO CASTLE BASEMENT. QUIETER WEATHER, MORE CREAKS, TIGHTER ECHO]
POE: [TROMPING DOWN STAIRS] Sure is dark down here. Kinda spooky.
SHELLEY: Don’t be such a little bitch, Edgar. I thought you were the master of the macabre.
POE: I’m just feeling so guilty about all the damage that we’re doing to Joanne’s castle. She left me in charge to prevent exactly this sort of thing!
SHELLEY: Joanne can eat my arse.
POE: That’s fine for you, Mary, but some of us take our responsibilities seriously. And I’ll thank you to stop making that jerk-off motion.
SHELLEY: Sorry.
POE: This guilt is really weighing on me. It’s like my story, The Tell-Tale Heart!
SHELLEY: Of course it reminds you of one of your stories.
POE: It does! It’s the story of a guy who kills an old man and then dismembers him and hides him under the floorboards in the basement.
SHELLEY: Doesn’t someone get buried under the floorboards in like, half your stories?
POE: No. I counted. It’s about forty-three per cent. In the rest of them, someone gets bricked up in the wall.
SHELLEY: That’s metal as fuck.
POE: Anyway, then the guy starts to hear the incessant beating of the old man’s heart!
SHELLEY: Oh shit.
POE: But then you, the reader, are left wondering: Did he REALLY hear the dead man’s heart still beating? Or was it just his own guilty conscience?
SHELLEY: His own what?
POE: His own guilty—
SHELLEY: Hold up, Edgar, I can’t hear shit with this soundtrack. It’s getting real fucking obnoxious!
POE: What?
SHELLEY: I said... hold on. Here’s the fusebox. [PULLS CIRCUITBREAKER SWITCH. SOUND OF SOME ELECTRICAL STUFF BLOWING OUT. SOUNDTRACK STOPS.] Oh shit.
POE: Did you flip the right switch?
SHELLEY: How should I know?
POE: Oh, I think that just made things worse. Joanne’s gonna be so pissed. Why, I really feel just awful!
SHELLEY: Shit, you really do, don’t you? I don’t give a rat’s arse about Joanna, she can eat her own arse or cloaca or whatever the fuck she has for all I care. But dammit Edgar, you’re makin’ me feel bad for you. For your sake, I guess we shouldn’t have trashed the castle so bad.
POE: (RESIGNED) It’s fine. Steve’s probably right when he says she won’t notice. After all, she’s dichromatic, so she only sees two primary colors. Wait. Wait, do you hear that?
[RHYTHMIC DRUM BEAT LIKE A HEART BEATING]
SHELLEY: Shit. Is that...
POE: It couldn’t be... the tell tale heart? Could it be that the demons I’ve written about are coming to get me?
SHELLEY: Christ, you’re so melodramatic, Edgar. Listen. There’s something here under the floor.
POE: Mary, I don’t think we should pry under there.
SHELLEY: Don’t be a such a fuckin baby, Edgar. Come give me a hand.
POE: I feel like... if there’s something under there. Maybe it’s buried for a reason. Oh God, please tell me it’s not actually a sex dungeon down there.
[FLOORBOARDS BEING RIPPED UP]
SHELLEY: Here we go. Oh shit. Oh shit, Edgar, look at this!
POE: Oh my God! I can’t believe it!
SHELLEY: Damn! Edgar, you still worried about everyone busting up this castle? This might just be the solution to your problem right here.
[MUSIC CUE: PROG ROCK VERSION OF JOANNE’S LEITMOTIF.
AMBIENCE FADES BACK TO HOLLYWOOD OFFICE]
ARGENTO: Ooo, you like-a so far? Issa bigga mystery! Justa waita, next we bringa in a big bucket-a blood, just like mama’s marinara sauce! (CHEF’S KISS)
POE: I don’t know about this. All this blood and synth music? It’s a little lurid for my taste.
ARGENTO: That’s-a what sells, paisano!
CORMAN: See, Edgar, that’s what I been saying.
POE: Couldn’t we make this a little, I don’t know, a little classier? Just not so garish?
[DOOR OPENS]
DAVID DECOTEAU (Brad Barnes): Hey, I heard you’re making a Tell-Tale Heart movie in here?
POE: David DeCoteau!
DECOTEAU: That’s right, it’s me, David DeCoteau! Listen, Roger, Dario, Edgar, you gotta let me take a crack at this story. My films are known for their thrills, high concept gothic horror, and subtle homoeroticism,
POE: Subtle?
DECOTEAU: Okay, overt homoeroticism.
POE: Well, at least Clive will like it then. Okay, let’s hear your take on it.
DECOTEAU: First of all, in my vision, all that stuff about showing skin? We’re nixing that.
POE: Okay, already I’m liking this. Sounds a little more classy.
DECOTEAU: We’re showing tighty whities.
POE: Uh.
DECOTEAU: Everyone’s showering in their underwear.
[FADE.
FADE IN TO CASTLE BATHROOM AMBIENCE. TILEY ECHO. SHOWER RUNNING.
FAST-PACED DECOTEAU-SOUNDTRACK-ESQUE MUSIC]
BARKER: Boy, sure feels good to get clean again!
GAIMAN: Whomst among us could have foresupposed that JK Rowling’s 2008 Kids Choice Award for Favorite Book would spill the thought grains of mind sand as if we were all babes ourselves, seeing the limitless potential of the human imagination for the very first time?
BARKER: He says it was dusty.
KING: Yeah, wow, we really got dusty. Hey, how do you think Edgar and Mary are doing downstairs?
BARKER: Oh, I’m sure they’re having a great time. Just shivving stuff left and right, if I know Mary.
[SOUND OF CIRCUITBREAKER SWITCH IN DISTANCE. ELECTRIC HUM]
BARKER: Oh good, the power’s back on. They must have found the switch. Uh, Steve, why are you showering in your underwear?
KING: Why are you showering in your underwear?
BARKER: I...I don’t know!
DEAN: I’m showering in underwear too!
KING:/BARKER: Yes, Dean.
GAIMAN: Indeed, we seem to all be flying on the wings of a shared dream, my friends. We’re all bathing in our smallclothes!
PATRICIA HIGHSMITH (Kate Davoli): Yep, yep, we’re all just hangin’ out, showering in our underwear. Just like bros, huh?
KING: Patricia Highsmith! You’re showering in your underwear, too?
[DOOR SLAMS OPEN LOUDLY. JOANNE’S LEITMOTIF PLAYS]
JOANNE: Well, you shut off that water and then no-one will be showering in their underwear!
KING: JK Rowling?! You’re back already?
BARKER: (QUIETLY) Keep absolutely still. Her vision is based on movement. She can’t see us if we don’t move.
JOANNE: Too late! My meeting got cut short because Alison Bailey dropped her briefcasse. What a messs! Sspaghetti everywhere! I get back and what do I find? You lot trashing my casstle! (GASP) [SLITHER] How many of my literary awards did you break?
KING: Joanne, we didn’t mean anything by it! We just thought, well, you weren’t using your castle for the night and it would just make such a great place for the Rock Bottom Remainders to practice. We didn’t think you’d mind...
JOANNE: Why are you all showering? You’re going to drain my moat! Thiss iss the biggest injustice ssince Warner Brotherss cut me from the Harry Potter 20th Anniversary retrosspective!
GAIMAN: Pardon me, Ms Rowling, but whilst we’ve begained your attendancies... our benighted minds must query as to the quintiliquent mystery of this bathing-chamber?
JOANNE: What about my bathroom?
KING: You understand him?
BARKER: Neil, you’re a Parselmouth!
GAIMAN: Well... it contains this hunormous showercade of singular proportion, which rains water upon us as the great god Hypnos himself showers us mere mortals with dreams every night.
DEAN: What’s he saying?
BARKER: It’s got a really big shower.
GAIMAN: But there’s the rub! Albeit, the, ah, excrommodial lavatilities are conspicuous only in absentia.
BARKER: Hey, that’s right. There’s no toilets.
GAIMAN: Perhaps the real lavatories are actually to be found in our own hearts, in the thoughts and memories of loved ones passed on and good times long since forgotten?
BARKER: No, really, there’s no toilets. What’s that about, Joanne?
JOANNE: Sso I don’t have any toiletss. Sso what?
BARKER: I just think that’s interesting. You know, ’‘cause it’s customary to have toilets in a bathroom.
JOANNE: Maybe for you muggless.
KING: Clive, I really don’t think we should be taking up Joanne’s time anymore. I think it’s probably best if we just took our instruments and left.
BARKER: No, no, I’m not ready to leave just yet. I want to know the deal with the toilets. So what exactly did you mean by that, Joanne?
JOANNE: Maybe you should shut up or I’ll fuckin’ cut you.
BARKER: Wait a second. Wait a second! I’d know that tone anywhere! You’re not JK Rowling at all! Mary, is that you under there?
JOANNE: Er...
BARKER: It is you under there! Steve, hold up—that’s just Mary and Edgar under a big snake skin!
JOANNE: Okay, okay, I guess the gig is (CLEARS THROAT)
[DIALOGUE CONTINUES IN POE’S VOICE WITHOUT PAUSING]
POE: —up. [RUSTLE OF SHEET BEING CAST OFF] Mary and I found one of JK Rowling’s old shed skins hidden in the basement.
SHELLEY: (LAUGHING) So I thought we’d disguise ourselves and give you lot a scare!
GAIMAN: Ah ha! Engaging in a spot of equestrecreation! (PAUSE) Horseplay, guys.
KING: You really had us going! But why, Edgar?
POE: You were all so insistent on doing your concert here and I couldn’t get you to understand! I’ve been entrusted with keeping this castle safe while Joanne is at her weirdo terf meeting and, well, I promised I would.
KING: I guess we were getting a little out of hand, what with all the literary awards we broke.
BARKER: I think that was all pretty funny...
KING: Sorry that we didn’t think of how that would affect you, Edgar. C’mon, guys, let’s clean up this place before Joanne gets back! We don’t want Edgar to get in trouble.
BARKER: Yeah, okay, fair.
KING: Everyone, grab a broom and start cleaning!
BARKER: Whoa, whoa, that sounds like a lotta work, actually.
SHELLEY: Oh does it, Clive? Does it sound like a lot of work? [FLIPPING SWITCHBLADE]
BARKER: No, no, that sounds just fine! I love cleaning! I’m excited to get started!
SHELLEY: That’s what I thought.
[AMBIENCE FADES OUT, AND BACK IN TO MAIN CASTLE.
SOUNDS OF CLEANING, SWEEPING, VACUUMING. MUSIC CUE OF “THE SORCERER’S APPRENTICE” IN DECOTEAU-SOUNDTRACK STYLE]
KING: There! Everything’s back in order! Why, I’d go so far as to say the house is looking spotless!
POE: Wow, you guys! You really came through. I don’t know what to say.
KING: Well, Edgar, real Midnight Pals don’t leave each other in the lurch. They come together! Right, guys?
SHELLEY: Right, Steve!
BARKER: (SIMULTANEOUSLY) Hell yeah!
GAIMAN: (JUST OUT OF SYNC) Confrobborated.
BARKER: Yeah, everything’s fine, except this big crack in the wall. [SOUND OF TAPPING ON WALL, WOOD CREAKING]
POE: Oh, that was already there. Clive, don’t poke at that.
[SOUND OF WOOD STARTING TO SPLIT, GRADUALLY INCREASING]
BARKER: This looks like some real structural damage here, ya know. Probably from Diane Duane chewing through the drywall.
POE: Clive. Clive, for real. Don’t pick at that.
[SOUND OF WALLPAPER TEARING]
BARKER: I’m not... [WALL STARTS CRUMBLING] oh shit.
[CEILING STARTS COLLAPSING]
KING: It’s coming down! Everyone out! Quick, quick!
[MASSIVE NOISE OF CASTLE FALLING DOWN. SPOOKY MUSIC CUES.
FADE.
FADE BACK IN WITH OUTSIDE AMBIENCE. RAIN. CASTLE EXPLODES. DEBRIS CONTINUES FALLING FOR SOME TIME]
KING: Boy, that was close! Thank goodness we all made it out safely.
POE: Oh my God, JK Rowling’s Scottish castle! It’s completely collapsed!
BARKER: Eh, maybe she won’t notice.
POE: It’s an entire castle, Clive! I think she’ll notice.
BARKER: Ehh, I’m sure it’ll be fine. I mean, it’s happened before.
POE: That was in Manhunt, Clive! That was a book.
BARKER: You sure? The Daily Mail said it happened for real.
KING: Well, the important thing is, we’re all safe.
BARKER: Uh... I think Mary’s boyfriends might still be inside.
POE: Oh my. Just thinking of the pair of them entombed alive under there makes me... strangely excited.
SHELLEY: Nah, look! There they are, up there! Byron’s fashioned a hot air balloon from JK’s shed skin, using one of her 200-grand plastic treehouses as a basket!
[DISTANT SOUND OF A BALLOON MADE OF SNAKESKIN FARTING ITSELF ALONG IN THE WIND]
BYRON: (OFF) Ahoy!
PERCY: (OFF) Halloooo!
SHELLEY: (CALLING) Get down from there!
PERCY: (OFF) Yes, dear!
SHELLEY: (CALLING) Percy, don’t lean so far over!
PERCY: (OFF) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh...
SHELLEY: Ah, shit.
KING: It’s OK! He’s gonna land in the moat. He can swim, right?
[SPLOSH]
DEAN: He’s fallen in the water!
PERCY: (DROWNS BISEXUALLY)
BARKER: Oh my God, Percy drowned!
SHELLEY: Happens all the time. He’ll get better.
[PAUSE]
KING: Look, Edgar, the four foot fence survived! That’s something, right? [SOUND OF METAL FENCE TEETERING]
POE: Joanne’s gonna be so pissed.
[SWING OF GATE]
HP LOVECRAFT (Robin Johnson): Hi, guys. Am I late? Oh my gosh… the castle collapsed? Huh! That’s like in that movie they made out of my story: Roger Corman’s Edgar Allan Poe’s HP Lovecraft’s The Case Of Charles Dexter Ward!
[FADE]
CORMAN (V/O): Meanwhile, elsewhere, JK Rowling is in the middle of her weirdo terf meeting...
[FADE IN NOISES OF TOXIC SWAMP. MUSIC CUE OF JOANNE’S LEITMOTIF, WITH CHANTING]
JOANNE: Now my Terf Death Eaters, we sssset our ssssights on the real public enemies number one: Graham Norton and Joanne Harrisssss. I want them off Twitter, I mean Xssss, and... and...
[DISTANT SOUND OF CASTLE COLLAPSING]
JOANNE: What’ssss that light in the dissstance? It almost ssssoundsss like... a Sscottish castle collapsing?! (ENRAGED, SCREAMING TO THE HEAVENS) MIDNIGHT PALSSSSSS!!!
[FADE.
HOLLYWOOD OFFICE AMBIENCE FADES BACK IN]
CORMAN: So whadya think? Pretty great, huh? We’re gonna make a million, baby!
POE: I think that story’s a little confused. I mean, what with three different directors. Also, there wasn’t even actually a tell-tale heart in in at all. And that ending was way closer to The Fall of the House of Usher, if you think about it. And another thing, why am I the one looking after JK Rowling’s terf castle in this story? That’s more of a Steve thing, to be honest. He’s the big Potterhead, after all.
CORMAN: Hey hey, all legitimate questions, babe. Look, David, Dario, you mooks get outta here! You’re distracting my boy Edgar! Get out! Shoo!
ARGENTO: (LEAVING) Scuse!
DECOTEAU: (LEAVING) Sheesh, we were just trying to help! [DOOR SLAMS]
CORMAN: Eh, don’t worry ’bout those two, Edgar, let’s us talk turkey. I know how you feel, baby, you wanna be sure we do justice to your story, eh? I got you covered, doll. The important thing is, we already got a paper maché castle left over from when we shot Frankenstein Unbound, so it’s gonna be super cheap to film! See, we get Dick Miller to play Stephen King and Barbara Steele to play Mary Shelley. And we’ll get a big wet puppet for JK Rowling.
POE: How wet?
CORMAN: Oh real wet, babe. Real wet.
POE: Look, I just don’t know about all this.
CORMAN: We’ll get Ray Milland to play you.
POE: (INSTANTLY) Where do I sign?
[FADE.
END THEME PLAYS: SAME MELODY AS MAIN THEME, BUT ON LIGHT STRINGS AND WOODWINDS]
VOICEOVER (Robin): Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals starred Rodrigo Borges as Edgar Allan Poe, Jason Robinson as Stephen King, Wren Montgomery as Dean Koontz, Sister Indica as Clive Barker, Rebecca D’Souza as Mary Shelley, and Robin Johnson as HP Lovecraft; with Bitter Karella as Roger Corman, Dexter Howard as Neil Gaiman and Dario Argento, Brad Barnes as David DeCoteau, Kate Davoli as Patricia Highsmith, Marnie Warner as the Secretary, Joel Butler as Lord Byron, Lou Sutcliffe as Percy Shelley; and special guest star Hailey Piper as She Who Must Not Be Named. The script was written by Bitter Karella and edited by Robin Johnson, based extremely loosely on The Tell-Tale Heart by Edgar Allan Poe. Production, music and the poetic arrangement of Edgar Allan Poe’s The Cask of Amontillado to the meter of The Raven were by Robin Johnson. Daisy McNamara was an audio consultant. Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals is created by Bitter Karella. All characters are fictitious, especially the real ones, and any resemblance to formerly popular children’s authors is a lucky guess. If you’ve enjoyed this episode, or indeed this season, please help us reach our audience by leaving us a rating, or even a review, on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podchaser, Goodpods, or whatever site or app you use to hear your podcasts. You can subscribe to Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals wherever you find podcasts, or find us at midnightpals.com, or look us up on social media.
I’m Robin, the producer. Making this series is the most fun I’ve had with a creative project for ages. I’d like to thank Karella for letting me play with her universe; all of the cast and crew for being amazing; my partner Eve for being amazingly supportive, and my cat Ninja Kitty Go for being the best cat; the helpful people at the Audio Drama Lab Discord server; and all of the authors lampooned, satirised or outright abused in Midnight Pals, for being good sports with a sense of humour. We’re talking tentatively about a second season next year; you’ll hear more details when the stars are right. Take care. I hereby declare this season of Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals closed.
[MUSIC FADES OUT.
FADE IN AMBIENCE OF SMALL ROCK VENUE. CROWD MURMUR, HEAVY ECHO.]
KING: [INTO MICROPHONE WITH AWFUL REVERB, FEEDBACK NOISE] Good evening, ladies and germs, I’m your host with the most Stephen King, and this ragtag band of misfits is the Rock Bottom Remainders! Put your hands together, take them apart, put them back together, keep doing that, clap is what I’m saying, for...
[MURMUR DIES DOWN. SMALL CROWD APPLAUDS. STARTING WITH ELECTRIC GUITAR, THE BAND STARTS PLAYING A PIECE OF MUSIC BASED ON THE MIDNIGHT PALS THEME, INSTRUMENTS COMING IN ONE BY ONE, IMPROVISING ALONG, AS STEPHEN INTRODUCES THEM]
..Clive Barker on lead guitar! [GUITAR STARTS]
Edgar Allan Poe on flute! [FLUTE STARTS]
No more of a bassist than the average man of his time, Howard Poward Lovecraft! [BASS STARTS]
Mary Shelley on drums! [DRUM ROLL, DRUMS KICK IN]
Flanked by her (CHUCKLE) “hautbois” (PRONOUNCED LIKE “HAWT BOYS”), Percy Shelley and Lord Byron! [OBOE MUSIC] At the risk of explaining the joke, “hautbois” or, in French, “oat bwa” meaning “high wood”, is an archaic term for the oboe or—[INTERRUPTED BY EXCITED KAZOO DOOTING] not yet, Dean!
Neil Gaiman on vibraphone! [VIBRAPHONE TINGS]
On the piano, Brian Jacques! [TWO PIANO NOTES A FEW KEYS APART] Good jump, Brian!
Anne Rice on zydeco fiddle! [VIOLIN PLAYS]
(RHYMING) Ukelele pleyer, Stephenie Meyer! [UKELELE STRUMMING]
Bram Stoker on bassoon! [BASSOON TOOTS] Boy, you, uh, you handle that well, Bram.
Robert Louis Stevenson on Hawaiian nose-flute! [NOSE FLUTE TOOTS]
With Fanny Osbourne on slide guitar! [SLIDE GUITAR SLIDES]
Hiding at the back there, Shirley Jackson on zither! [MOUNTAIN DULCIMER PICKING]
Franz Kafka on balalaika! [BALALAIKA STRUMS]
Angela Carter on music-hall banjolin! [BANJOLIN STRUMS]
On the bagpipes, Arthur Conan Doyle! [BAGPIPE NOISE]
Doing some “sax magick” for us tonight, it’s Aleister Crowley! [SAX STARTS] (CHUCKLE) Hey but you know, Aleister really prefers a-capella rhythm-and-blues music... as he often says, “doo wop” thou wilt!! [MORE KAZOO DOOTING] Not! Yet! Dean!
Robert E. Howard on cowboy harmonica! [HARMONICA PARPS]
Junji Ito on koto... [KOTO MUSIC]
...accompanied by Lafacdio Hearn on otamatone!
[DREADFUL ELECTRONIC WHINE. BRIEF “SPIRAL” SOUND EFFECT]
Special guests, Patricia Highsmith and her snail orchestra! [SQUEAKS OF SNAILS OF VARIOUS VOCAL PITCH BEING HIT WITH LITTLE HAMMERS. DON’T WORRY, THE SNAILS ENJOY IT]
Piers Anthony on—I’m not sure those are really an instrument, Piers... [PANTY HUFF NOISE. ELASTIC TWANGS] ...I stand corrected.
Margaret Atwood on theremin! [THEREMIN PLAYS SOMETHING LIKE “WE ARE THE ROBOTS”]
And last but not least, on the kazoo... Dean Koontz!
[LONG PAUSE]
Now, Dean!!
[FADE]