Clive Barker takes the stage and relates his cult classic of an eternal battle—gay monsters versus redneck cops.
Clive Barker takes the stage and relates his cult classic of an eternal battle—gay monsters versus redneck cops. Cabal has always had unsettling dreams of becoming a gay monster, but his personal journey to gay monsterhood is obstructed by queer-gatekeeping monsters, Nazi sheriffs' departments, and unconvincing gimp-mask serial killer David Cronenberg. Frank Belknap Long teaches Dean Koontz to be a furry.
Content notes: swearing, raised voices, sexual content, violence, discussion of homophobic and transphobic propaganda techniques, homophobic and transphobic state violence, riots, guns and military weapons, death and killing, attempted genocide.
CAST:
with
Script by Bitter Karella, edited by Robin Johnson, inspired by Clive Barker’s 1990 cult film Nightbreed, an adaptation of his novella Cabal. Elements of copyrighted works are used for purposes of parody and comment.
A transcript of this episode can be found at https://midnight-pals.simplecast.com/episodes/s01e06-the-tale-of-the-nightbreed/transcript
The Midnight Pals is the creation of Bitter Karella ©
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[THEME MUSIC PLAYS: A JAUNTY, SPOOKY PIECE IN 3/4 TIME ON PIPE ORGAN, BUILT AROUND 12 CHIMES OF A CHURCH BELL]
VOICEOVER (Rodrigo Borges): Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals, created by Bitter Karella.
[MUSIC PLAYS OUT.
FADE IN AMBIENCE OF A FOREST AT NIGHT—CRICKETS, WIND IN TREES. CAMPFIRE CRACKLING NEARBY]
EDGAR ALLAN POE (Rodrigo): Welcome, everyone. Whose turn is it tonight?
STEPHEN KING (Jason Robinson): Ya know, I do believe it’s Clive’s turn to tell a story.
POE: Oh, great. Clive, you are going to behave right?
MARY SHELLEY (Rebecca D’Souza): This motherfucker’s gonna tell another Hellraiser story. Motherfucker loves his Hellraiser stories.
CLIVE BARKER (Sister Indica): Everyone loves my Hellraiser stories, Mary.
KING: They are visceral. Very visceral stories.
POE: But there’s so MANY of them! First there was Hellraiser, then there was Hellbound: Hellraiser II. And then Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth.
KING: Oh yeah, then there was Hellraiser IV: The Smell of Fear and Hellraiser V: Oops All Cenobites!
POE: Which one was after that? It was Hellraiser meets the Harlem Globetrotters, wasn’t it?
KING: No no, I think it was Hellraiser Goes Hawaiian.
BARKER: Yeah, well, they’re good stories. People really respond to my stories about interdimensional sex demons. They respond in their PANTS! Ha ha!
POE: Yes, Clive, very droll.
BARKER: It IS droll, Edgar.
DEAN KOONTZ (Wren Montgomery): Gosh! I didn’t know there were so many Hellraiser stories! But… why haven’t I ever heard them? Don’t you tell ‘em at the campfire, Clive?
BARKER: Oh yeah, I do. It’s just usually after you go to bed, Dean.
KOONTZ: Aw, c’mon, that’s not fair! You guys always have fun without me!
KING: Well, Dean, we just, uh, don’t think these are the sorts of stories you’d like. There’s no dogs in them or anything.
KOONTZ: Aw, come on! I never get to hear the good stories. You guys all think I’m just some baby, but—but—you know what? I’m just as big as any of you! I wanna hear the stories and tonight I’m gonna stay up late to hear ‘em!
BARKER: Oh you know what, Dean’s right. I think he’s totally mature enough to hear this story.
KOONTZ: That’s what I was saying!
BARKER: You’re going to love it, Dean. Tonight’s story has everything: sex demons, dominatrixes, leather daddies, Folsom Street Fair-style piss pools…
KOONTZ: Are there going to be any dogs in it?
BARKER: Well, there’s probably going to be some pup hoods.
POE: So another Hellraiser then?
BARKER: No, Edgar, for your information, I’ve got a totally different story planned for tonight, which is horny in a totally different way than Hellraiser. But also, equally gay. Or maybe slightly more gay.
HP LOVECRAFT (Robin Johnson): (NERVOUSLY) Oh, I—I don’t know about this. I mean, I don’t know what that means.
BARKER: Oh, you WILL.
KING: Wow, Clive, this story sounds like… well, it really sounds like something. What is this?
BARKER: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of… the Nightbreed. Or, as it was known on its European release, the tale of the Gay Monsters Who Like to Fuck!
[EPISODE THEME PLAYS: A HORROR-MOVIE-THEME STYLE PIECE ON STRINGS AND XYLOPHONE IN 3/4 TIME]
[FADE TO AMBIENCE OF 1980S OFFICE. TRAFFIC OUTSIDE, ELECTRONIC PHONES RINGING IN DISTANCE, MUZAK PLAYING SOMEWHERE]
BARKER (V/O): So it all starts in this psychiatrist’s office, where a guy called Cabal is telling his shrink, David Cronenberg, about a recurring nightmare he’s been having…
CABAL (John Serrano): Listen, Doc, you gotta help me. I just don’t fit into normal society for some reason. It’s like I’m different, set apart, ostracized because people can tell that I’m not like them in some strange unknowable way. And I keep having these bizarre dreams. Dreams about gay monsters just capering and cavorting around like extras from Duran Duran's Wild Boys music video. And it’s like, God, I wish that was me. I wish I could also be a gay monster.
DAVID CRONENBERG (Joel Butler): Interesting. Listen, Cabal, as your psychiatrist, I must advise you that the treatment for your condition is simple. The great director David Cronenberg is in town. Go watch his latest movie. That should pick you up.
CABAL: Cronenberg? Man, I could not name a more suckass director.
CRONENBERG: Uh
CABAL: Just downright dogshit of a director.
CRONENBERG: (SEETHING) I see.
CABAL: But doc, seriously, what can I do about these gay monster dreams? They keep telling me that the gay monsters live in this underground city called Nightbreed City under a bizarrely ornate gothic old world cemetery in the middle of, like, I don’t know, Kansas or something? I feel like I need to go find them, maybe engage in community-building with them!
CRONENBERG: As your psychiatrist, I must advise you against this. You should definitely not seek out Nightbreed City and instead you should continue to date your beard of a girlfriend Lori and have sex with her.
CABAL: Ugh, do I gotta?
CRONENBERG: Doctor’s orders. [BUZZER RINGS] And that’s our time. Same time next week, Cabal?
CABAL: Sure thing, Doc. [DOOR SWINGS AS CABAL EXITS]
[CRONENBERG-ESQUE MUSIC PLAYS]
CRONENBERG: “Could not name a more dogshit director!” Ooo! Who does he think he is!? You think you’re the only one who knows anything about gay monsters?! “The Fly” was a stone cold classic with incredible queer subtext! And has no one seen “Crimes of the Future?” It’s literally about being trans! I’ll show that Cabal who’s boss… even if I have to put on a gimp hood and kill EVERY gay monster! [MANIACAL LAUGHTER, RUBBER STRETCHING, ZIPPER BEING FASTENED]
CRONENBERG: (MUFFLED) Oof, it’s actually kinda hard to see in this gimp hood. In retrospect, maybe I should have cut eyeholes into it instead of just attaching these creepy looking Coraline button eyes. Oh well, hindsight’s 20/20. Now that I’m properly attired, it’s time to begin my crusade – I will personally kill every potentially gay monster in this city! Ha ha ha! [TRIPPING OVER FURNITURE] Ow! Goddammit!
[FADE BACK TO CAMPFIRE]
KING: Wait, Clive, are you saying that the psychiatrist is David Cronenberg? Like, THE David Cronenberg? The director?
BARKER: Yeah. It’s David Cronenberg.
KING: Okay, but why is it David Cronenberg?
BARKER: We’ve just been looking for a project to work on together for a while. Anyway, after leaving the psychiatrist’s office, Cabal goes to a sex club with his beard of a girlfriend Lori. And they fuck.
SHELLEY: A man fucking a woman? Seems outta place in one of your stories.
POE: Yeah... are you feeling all right, Clive?
BARKER: Yes yes, I’m fine. Listen, Mary, Edgar. I don't have much love for the ladies, but I have a deep respect for the act of fucking. So when I see straight people fucking—I have no choice to say, I must stan. Anyway, back to the story.
[AMBIENCE FADES TO NIGHTCLUB. TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING]
CABAL: You don’t understand, Lori. I keep having these dreams about gay monsters. And I think that I too might be a gay monster.
LORI (Loretta Chang): Cabal, a lot of hot brooding pretty boys struggle with these feelings. But I can help. I can accommodate these needs. We can roleplay in the bedroom. Like, you can be gay Frankenstein and I’ll be gay Dracula and I can be like, “Ooh, I think I broke my tooth on your bolt—”
SHELLEY (V/O): Oi! That’s my fuckin’ monster.
[QUICK FADE BACK TO CAMPFIRE]
BARKER: Public domain author says what?
POE: Clive
BARKER: Can’t touch me! [SWITCHBLADE SOUND EFFECT] Aagh! (STRANGULATED NOISES)
MARY: That’s my fuckin’ monster.
POE: Mary, what I’m sure Clive meant to say is, please will you let his characters fantasize about your monster?
KING: Yeah! It’s a tribute, ’cause everyone loves Frankenstein so much! Who wouldn’t want to go to bed with Frankenstein...(QUIETLY)’s monster?
KOONTZ: Oh, I love Frankenstein so much, I wrote a whole modernized fanfiction series! Frankenstein makes friends with a couple of really cool cops, and—
KING: Not now, Dean, she’s got her knife out!
BARKER: (KNIFE AT THROAT) C’mon, Mary... think how much it’ll piss off Bram...
SHELLEY: (PAUSE) Fine. [SWITCHBLADE CLOSES] But Frankenstein’s top.
[FADE BACK TO NIGHTCLUB]
CABAL: You don’t understand. I’m having dreams that the gay monsters live in an underground gayborhood called Nightbreed City. And I need to go there.
LORI: Okay, but I want to go too!
CABAL: I don’t know about that. The dream was very specific that this is a gay monster community.
LORI: There can be gay girl monsters too, you know. They call them “lesiathans.”
CABAL: Alright Lori, you’ve convinced me. You can come to see the gay monster city with me, but please just don’t embarrass me in front of the gay monsters.
[FADE BACK TO CAMPFIRE]
BARKER (V/O): So Cabal goes to find the secret society of gay monsters called... the Nightbreed!
KOONTZ: Gosh! The Nightbreeds!
BARKER: That’s right, Dean. They’re called the Nightbreed.
KOONTZ: What kind of monsters are they? Are they all weird and scary?
BARKER: To normies, yes. But to people with taste, they are totally fucking hot. There's all kinds. There's Fish Face and there’s Pelotron and there’s Mac Tonight and Porcupine Gal. Oh, and this very nice old theater couple consisting of a harlequin demon and a fat Beetlejuice guy with tentacles in his love handles.
LOVECRAFT: Tentacles, you say?
BARKER: Yeah yeah, Howard, we’ll get to that. Anyway, so Cabal is going out to this cemetery to see all the Nightbreeds for himself. Cuz, you know, a lot of fucking happens in cemeteries.
SHELLEY: Yeah, can confirm.
CABAL: Finally! I’m at the mysterious cemetery in the middle of nowhere, which my dream tells me is the entrance to Nightbreed City. But there are so many ornate gothic crypts and mausoleums. Which one could be the entrance?
LORI: Cabal, look! There’s a door opening in that crypt!
[SOUND OF STONE DOOR GRINDING OPEN]
CABAL: Which one?
LORI: The one with the ever widening hole in it! And there’s a monster coming out!
[SLIMY MONSTER FOOTSTEPS APPROACH OUR HEROES]
MONSTER (Cassie Vulpine): Good evening and welcome to Nightbreed City. I am your ghost host and I bid you welcome.
CABAL: Please, I want to be a gay monster too. Let me join you!
MONSTER: You? But you’re obviously just a human. And you’ve got a girlfriend there with you!
CABAL: Oh, Lori? She’s just a beard.
LORI: Yeah, I’m just a beard.
MONSTER: I see. But what makes you think that you can be a gay monster like us?
CABAL: Well, I often sit kinda weirdly on the kitchen counter.
MONSTER: (UNIMPRESSED) Is that all?
CABAL: I also love the pounding beat of new retro wave techno synth pop dream core.
MONSTER: Well, who doesn’t love that?
CABAL: Oh! And the Disney princess that I most identify with is Mulan.
MONSTER: No, no, that simply won’t do. This is all pretty gay, yeah, but I’m afraid that being a gay monster isn’t about how you sit on a kitchen counter or about how many pride stickers you own or any of that stuff.
CABAL: I know, I know. It’s about what’s in your heart, right?
MONSTER: What? Of course not! It’s about how you fuck. Come back when you’ve learned how to fuck like a gay monster. Now if you’ll excuse me, I was just about to do the Monster Mash.
CABAL: Do you mean literally? Like the dance? Or is that a metaphor?
MONSTER: We like to graveyard smash here. Good evening.
[STONE DOOR GRINDS SHUT]
CABAL: What the hell!? I can’t believe the monsters are doing a queer gatekeeping!
LORI: Cabal, we’re going to have to find some way to convince them that you’re Nightbreed material.
CABAL: I guess so. Let’s head back to the hotel, Lori. Wait! Who’s that over there? There’s a guy in a gimp mask coming our way!
LORI: Is this another one of your gay monsters?
CABAL: I don’t think so. I think this guy is stealing valor.
CRONENBERG: (MUFFLED) So we meet again Cabal! You thought that you could escape into the world of Nightbreed City to get away from the constraints of hetero-normative society, but now you find that…
CABAL: I’m sorry, what are you saying? I can’t understand a word with that mask.
CRONENBERG: (MUFFLED) I’m saying that—wait, hold up [UNZIPPING, RUBBER STRETCHING] (DIALOGUE CONTINUES CLEARLY) I said: So we meet again, Cabal! You thought that you could escape into the world of Nightbreed City to get away from the constraints of hetero-normative society, but I’m about to put an end to that dream! I’ve been stabbing people all over town and framing you! Just wait until the police catch up. Ah, here they come now!
[POLICE SIREN. CAR ARRIVES, BRAKES SCREECHING. DOOR OPENS]
SHERIFF (Dexter Howard): Well, well, well, whatta we got here.
CRONENBERG: Thank God you’re here, Sheriff! I’ve discovered the identity of the gimp mask killer – it’s these two flamboyant miscreants! Be careful, Sheriff, I must warn you that this man, Cabal, is gay and extremely dangerous. As a psychiatrist, I’ve seen this sort of thing before – he’s channeling his latent homosexual impulses into stabbing.
SHERIFF: Well, that’s all the evidence I need. You two are under arrest for blatant violation of the “Don’t Say Nightbreed” Act! Oh, and also on suspicion of murder… and mostly on suspicion of gayness!
CABAL: But, Sheriff, we’re innocent! That guy in the gimp mask just confessed to doing the gimp mask killer stabbing murders all over town himself!
SHERIFF: Oh is that so? Now why would you go and say a mean like that, boy? Why, this gent looks like a fine upstanding heterosexual citizen to me. Now you can run along, mister, and get back to whatever fine upstanding legal thing you were doing in that gimp mask of yours while I apprehend these two gimp mask killers.
CRONENBERG: Thank you, sheriff. [ZIPPING] (MUFFLED) I’ll just be on my way. Got a lot of, uh, straight things to do. Like, uh, kissing my football and, uh, sitting properly in a chair.
SHERIFF: [AS THE SCENE FADES] Hey, I do that too!
[AMBIENCE FADES TO POLICE CELL. HEAVY ECHO, TRAFFIC AND SIRENS OUTSIDE. CELL DOOR BEING CLANGED SHUT]
SHERIFF: Well, well, well, looks like we got ourselves a Yankee troublemaker around here! (SPITS)
CABAL: You have to believe me! [DING OF SPIT HITTING SPITTOON] It wasn’t me! That guy in the gimp mask is the gimp mask killer! He’s the one who killed all those people!
SHERIFF: We know what to do with your kind around here. You’re going up river, boy.
LORI: What about me?
SHERIFF: You eat your food and you get out, boy. I mean, girl. [CELL DOOR CLANK]
CABAL: Hey, I got my rights!
SHERIFF: “Waaah! I got my rights!” This to this fancy-pants big city lawyer talk! You ain’t got no rights in this sheriff’s jurisdiction, you don’t! Cuz I’m Kommandant Buford F. Himmler von Ribbentrop and I’m the sheriff in these here parts!
CABAL: What’s the F stand for?
SHERIFF: Fourteen Words. And as sheriff in these here parts, I’m doing my part to create a fascist white supremacist ethnostate without any of those dirty nightbreeds around!
CABAL: Listen, you jack-booted Nazi, us Nightbreeds have had just about enough of you pushing us around!
SHERIFF: Oh I see how it is, everyone you don’t like who wants to create a fascist white supremacist ethnostate is a Nazi, huh? So much for the tolerant Nightbreed! Am I right, Deputy?
DEPUTY: Jawohl, mein Sheriff!
SHERIFF: I mean, I am really hurt! It’s bad attitudes like that, Cabal, that are forcing me to instigate an anti-Nightbreed genocide. Really, you have no one but yourself to blame! Deputy, prepare the militarized police arsenal! I want to hit those Nightbreeds with all the guns, tanks, helicopters, pepper spray, tear gas, laughing gas, poison gas, mustard gas, shells, land mines, Boston dynamics murder robots, dogs, bees, dogs that have bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you, torpedoes, dolphins trained to assassinate the president, air-to-ground missiles, rubber bullets and bullets that the local police department of a small-to-mid sized American town can muster! By the time I’m done, Nightbreed City will be a hole in the ground!
CABAL: It’s already a hole in the ground.
SHERIFF: It’ll be a 40% bigger and 100% less gay one! Get to it, Deputy!
DEPUTY: At once, mein Fuhrer!
BARKER (V/O): So it turns out that evil psychiatrist Dr. Gimp Mask Killer, a.k.a. David Cronenberg, has been on a mission to kill every Nightbreed in the city. And now the fuckin cops want to kill the Nightbreeds. They're bringing in the boogaloos and the Proud Boys and the Promise Keepers and those cereal dudes who don't jack off and they think they're gonna blow up Nightbreed City. But not this time. Cuz the Nightbreeds are gonna fight back.
CABAL: [RATTLING BARS] Let me out! You can’t keep me in here!
SHERIFF: Alright, men, listen up. For too long, those Nightbreeds have lived quietly and peacefully in Nightbreed City. It makes me sick to see them minding their own business like a bunch of pinko commie degenerates. Well, tonight that’s gonna change. Tonight, we take out the Nightbreed!
DEPUTY: But mein Fuhrer! How will we defeat all the Nightbreed?
SHERIFF: Simple! First, we divide and conquer. We’ll start a shell organization called “Nightbreed without the T,” to convince all the respectable presentable nightbreeds to side with us against the trans nightbreeds.
DEPUTY: Right. “We’re not anti-Nightbreed, we just care about preserving safe spaces for Nightbreeds born Nightbreeds! Adult nonhuman monsters!”
SHERIFF: After that, we’ll get them to kick out the bi nightbreeds for being too wishy-washy and also too horny.
DEPUTY: Oh! “There’s no-one happier in Nightbreed City than a bisexual Nightbreed with a human partner at home!”
SHERIFF: Then we go after the drag Nightbreeds.
DEPUTY: “Won’t somebody think of the children!!”
SHERIFF: That’s the stuff!
DEPUTY: What about the intersex nightbreeds?
SHERIFF: We’ll just pretend they don’t exist.
[AMBIENCE FADES OUT...
...AND BACK IN, NOW WITH ADDED ANGRY REDNECK MOB RABBLE]
SHERIFF: Alright, boys, we got ourselves a posse and now it’s time to lynch us some Nightbreeds! [HOOTING AND HOLLERING]
CABAL: This is terrible! The cops are about to straight up just murder the Nightbreeds and I’m stuck in this jail cell! My only hope is a deus ex machina pardon from the Governor!
[PHONE RINGS IN BACKGROUND. SOMEONE PICKS UP. INCOMPREHENSIBLE BABBLING ON END OF PHONE]
SHERIFF: Hold that thought, men, I’m getting word that we’re getting a special visit from the Governor himself!
GOVERNOR: [SLURPING, BELCHING] Hey, it’s me, the Governor! Don’t mind me, I’m just eating pudding with my fingers, you know, just a normal thing that you do, and I heard you boys were about to genocide some Nightbreed. Now I couldn’t let y’all go and do that [MOB BOOS] … without me! (LAUGHTER) [MOB CHEERS. YOSEMITE SAM STYLE BULLETS BEING FIRED IN AIR] Someone hand me a pitchfork, I wanna be right out in front! I want to see every slow, agonizing moment of carnage. I don’t want to miss a thing! We’ll kill all those Nightbreeds! [CHEERS] And if there’s any Nightbreed kids, we can mysteriously disappear them into our foster care system! [CHEERS]
SHERIFF: Sir, you’re getting pudding all over your pitchfork.
GOVERNOR: Okay fine, how about you hand me the controls to that Boston dynamics murder robot instead?
BOSTON DYNAMICS MURDER ROBOT (Synthesized voice): [BLEEPS] BOSTON DYNAMICS MURDER ROBOT ACTIVATED [MECHA STOMPING, MACHINE GUNS]
SHERIFF: Sir, this equipment cost millions of dollars! If you break it, we won’t have any choice but to get the taxpayers to buy us another one.
GOVERNOR: Look, I know what I’m doing.
MURDER ROBOT: [BLEEPS] SELF-DESTRUCT ACTIVATED [EXPLODES]
GOVERNOR: Oh dammit, I got pudding in the seams. Look, just hand me another Boston dynamics murder robot controller?
SHERIFF: Okay, but don’t break this one. We had to defund the entire state school system to pay for just the one.
2ND BOSTON DYNAMICS MURDER ROBOT: (BLEEP) GENOCIDE MODE ENGAGED [STOMPING, MACHINE GUNS]
GOVERNOR: So? If it breaks, there’s always money to pillage in the library. Now let’s wrangle us some Nightbreed!
[MOB CHEERS. SHERIFF, GOVERNOR AND MOB EXEUNT, HOOTING AND HOLLERING]
MURDER ROBOT: (EXITING) BLEEP BLOOP I AM NOT MARGARET ATWOOD
CABAL: [RATTLING CELL BARS] Let me out! I’ve got to get out of this jail cell and warn the Nightbreed! But those hillbilly cops locked this jail cell tight and they gave the keys to a sleepy basset hound that’s lying right there in the middle of the office, just out of reach! [BASSET HOUND YAWNS, KEYS JINGLE] What am I supposed to do? [BASSET HOUND SNORES]
LORI: Cabal!
CABAL: Lori! You came to rescue me!
LORI: Cabal, I’ve come to terms with your need to be a gay monster. Even if I have to be a gay monster widow, I guess I should help you stop the genocide against the other gay monsters. [JINGLING OF KEYS. BASSET HOUND WHINES GENTLY IN ITS SLEEP. CELL DOOR UNLOCKS AND OPENS]
CABAL: Quick! To the cemetery! We need to warn the Nightbreed before it’s too late!
[BASSET HOUND YAWNS. FADE.
FADE IN CEMETERY AMBIENCE]
BARKER (V/O): And so Cabal and Lori returned to the cemetery and Nightbreed City only minutes before the cops.
CABAL: [KNOCKING ON CRYPT] Open up! Open up! It’s me, Cabal!
[CRYPT GRINDS OPEN]
MONSTER: Good evening—oh, you again. Look, I get that you think being a gay monster is cool and all, but we already told you no, so—
CABAL: This isn’t about that! We’re here to warn you, the cops are on their way and they plan to destroy Nightbreed City and kill all the Nightbreed.
[SIRENS APPROACHING IN DISTANCE]
MONSTER: Did they say that? Well, sure they said it, but they probably didn’t mean it. They probably just meant that they were going to kill the bad Nightbreeds, you know, the really weird ones that are embarrassing to see in parades. I’m sure that they’ll spare the respectably middle-class, monogamous Nightbreeds.
CABAL: Listen, pal, that’s not how these cops think. They’re coming for ALL the Nightbreeds, respectable and weird alike. You know how serious they are about that? They’ve got the Governor with them.
[HELICOPTER APPROACHES]
MONSTER: Then we’ve got no choice. We have to fight. Cabal, it’s time to ask yourself: will you join our cause? Are you a bad enough dude to kill the Governor?
CABAL: [INTERRUPTING] Yes. Yes, I am.
MONSTER: Then by the power vested in me by our sexy twink god Baphomet, I now declare you an official Nightbreed.
[SOUNDS OF COPS ARRIVING, INCLUDING SQUAD CARS, HELICOPTERS, AND MURDER ROBOT. TECHNO MUSIC STARTS PLAYING]
MONSTER: But there’s no more time for talk. Nightbreeds, get ready to fight! The cops are tricky and they may try to deceive you by putting rainbow stickers on their cruisers. Don’t fall for it. Remember the rallying cry of our gay monster forefathers: “No cops at pride!”
MONSTERS: (CHANTING) No cops at pride! No cops at pride!
[MURDER ROBOT STOMPS IN AND SMASHES SOMETHING. MUSIC STOPS. SQUAD CAR PULLS UP, DOOR OPENS]
SHERIFF: Well, looky here! Looks like we got us some uppity Nightbreeds here. Looks like we gotta remind y’all of your place!
DEPUTY: Get ‘em!
[BATTLE STARTS. YELLING AND CHANTING FROM BOTH SIDES. GUNS, WEAPONS]
BARKER: And so Cabal and Lori joined the Nightbreed in their righteous cause of fucking the cops’ shit up. It was a grueling battle, lots of blood and carnage and oiled up bodies just splaying all over the battlefield and lots of really heart-rending scenes of lovers saying their final goodbyes as they succumb to enemy fire, you know, all that sort of thing.
[AMBIENCE FADES QUICKLY BACK TO CAMPFIRE]
KOONTZ: B-but the Nightbreeds are okay, right?
BARKER: Dean, Dean, Dean. The Nightbreeds are better than okay, because the Nightbreed know all about fucking the cops’ shit up. You know the first Nightbreed gathering was a riot, don’t you?
KOONTZ: Gosh! I guess I don’t know a whole lot about Nightbreed history.
LOVECRAFT: Is—is it true they’re teaching Nightbreed theory in elementary schools now?
BARKER: Shut up, Howard.
LOVECRAFT: And having Nightbreed Storytime?
BARKER: Shut up, Howard.
LOVECRAFT: And special underground bathrooms for Nightbreed-identifying kids?
SHELLEY: Shut the fuck up, Howard.
BARKER: Anyway, the Nightbreed are totally decimating those stupid cops, because even with all their surplus military grade hardware, there’s one thing that cops aren’t good at and that’s their jobs. Because they suck ass.
[FADE BACK TO BATTLE SCENE. NIGHTBREED HAVE THE UPPER HAND. FEWER SIRENS, HELICOPTER AND ROBOT HAVE BEEN VANQUISHED]
DEPUTY: Mein Fuhrer! Everything is in disarray! The Nightbreed are fighting back! The troops are retreating! And the governor slipped on a banana peel and fell headfirst into a clogged toilet overflowing with diarrhea and drowned! And then his pants fell down revealing his underwear, which has polka dots and says “BIG BOY”, just as a busload of tourists drove past taking photos.
SHERIFF: I can’t believe this! So much for the tolerant Nightbreed! Don’t they understand? We’re just trying to aerate their bodies with a diversity of opinions!
CABAL: Hey Sheriff! [SOUND OF SHERIFF BEING GRABBED BY THE COLLAR] When you get to hell, tell them Cabal sent you! And they can send you back, because the devil is gay!
SHERIFF: Tarnation!! You haven’t seen the last of my kind, Cabal! Sure, you can kill my body… but the hate and bigotry that fires the normie cop heart will never be completely defeated!
CABAL: Yeah, that’s true. But I’ll settle for killing your body. That works just fine for me!
SHERIFF: (DYING) Curses! Curses! From hell’s heart, I stab at thee! What a world! What a world! [DIES WITH A SPLAT]
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING FROM MONSTERS. TECHNO MUSIC STARTS AGAIN]
DEPUTY: Wow, you know what? Looking at this dead sheriff makes me realize that maybe I was a gay monster too this whole time and I just threw my lot in with the gay monster bashing Nazi cops because I just couldn’t admit the truth to myself and this whole thing was actually just a bout of reaction formation and maybe if I could just be accepted by the monster cops I would—
CABAL: Get the fuck out of here, quisling.
MONSTER: Yeah, get the fuck out and stop trying to pin Nightbreed-phobia on closet Nightbreeds.
DEPUTY: Okay, well, you can’t blame a guy for trying. I’m out like a light. [RUNS AWAY]
MONSTER: Victory is ours, my gay monster comrades! [CHEERING FROM MONSTERS] We have finally repelled the forces of the Nazi cops and now we can once again live as free gay monsters! Cabal, I admit that I wasn’t too sure about you at first. But tonight you’ve truly proven that you are a real Nightbreed. You’ve done the one thing that truly defines what being a gay monster is all about – fucking up the cops! [APPLAUSE] Welcome to Nightbreed! Here’s your official nametag, your badge, and your handkerchief. You get your choice of colors.
CABAL: Oh, I like this nice red one.
MONSTER: Sure. You might want to read this accompanying heuristic before you stick it in your pocket. Oh, and don’t bother calling 911 anymore. Here’s the real number.
LORI: You know, I helped defeat the cops too. When do I get to be a Nightbreed?
CABAL: Sorry, Lori, you can't be a Nightbreed. You’re a super straight.
LORI: Oh, come on!
CABAL: Now that the cops know where we live, it’s no longer safe to stay here in Nightbreed city. It’s time to take to the open road and find an accepting new home, where Nightbreeds and Nightbreed allies can live in harmony away from the hate and bigotry of normie society.
[EPISODE THEME PLAYS OUT THE SCENE.
FADE BACK TO CAMPFIRE AMBIENCE]
BARKER: And so the Nightbreeds lived happily and hornily ever after. There! What did you guys think of that?
LOVECRAFT: I have a question.
BARKER: Yes, Howard, the tentacles were squamous.
LOVECRAFT: No, that’s not it—I mean, that’s good to know, but, uh... that was a story about a battle between redneck cops versus gay monsters, right?
BARKER: Yes. Yes it was.
LOVECRAFT: Look, I’m really sorry if I’ve misinterpreted this, but...
BARKER: Go on.
LOVECRAFT: ...were the cops the bad guys??
BARKER: Ugh!
POE: Howard
KOONTZ: I liked the part where the Nightbreeds saved the city. Gosh, being a Nightbreed sounds like so much fun!
BARKER: Oh, it’s great. You get to fuck around, you get invited to all the coolest parties, AND you get to sit on counters weirdly.
KING: Clive, is being a Nightbreed, like, some kind of metaphor for something?
BARKER: I don’t know what you’re talking about, Steve.
KOONTZ: Hey, do you think that I could be a Nightbreed?
BARKER: Oh Dean. Oh Dean, Dean, Dean… My sweet summer child!
KOONTZ: Like, maybe if there was a Nightbreed that looked like a dog?
BARKER: Oh. So you don’t want to be a gay monster so much as… a furry? That’s really more Frank Belknap Long’s area of expertise.
[BUSHES RUFFLE]
FRANK BELKNAP LONG (David Court): (MUFFLED) Well, the first thing is—
BARKER: Take off the fursuit head first, Frank.
LONG: [Muffled] No, I never break kayfabe outside of the headless lounge. As I was saying, the first thing we need to do is get you a Furaffinity account and—
KING: Maybe let’s put that on hold for a hot second. Clive, I really feel like this story has layers.
BARKER: Oh? How so?
KING: OK, like, I just realized. It’s a story about people forced into hiding because society rejects and fears them. It’s about the queer experience, isn’t it?
BARKER: Wow, Steve, how’d you figure that out? With your big fat brain? (LAUGHS) Of course that’s what it’s about, you goof. This story was SO gay that it made Bram Stoker come to terms with his sexuality.
POE: I think Bram is still coming to terms with his sexuality.
BARKER: Well, that’s an ongoing process, OK? The important thing is that we really queered it up this time. And Dean sure seemed to get something out of it.
KOONTZ: See? You guys always think I’m a baby, but I totally got it! I just have one question.
BARKER: And what’s that, Dean?
KOONTZ: So what is the Monster Mash?
BARKER: (LAUGHS)
POE: We’ll tell you when you’re older, Dean. I think we’re all ready to call it a night. Clive, why don’t you do the honors?
BARKER: I declare this meeting of the Midnight Society closed.
[END THEME PLAYS—SAME MELODY AS THE INTRO MUSIC, BUT PLAYED ON LIGHT STRINGS AND WOODWINDS.]
VOICEOVER (David): Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals starred Sister Indica as Clive Barker, Rodrigo Borges as Edgar Allan Poe, Rebecca D’Souza as Mary Shelley, Wren Montgomery as Dean Koontz, Jason Robinson as Stephen King, and Robin Johnson as HP Lovecraft; with John Serrano as Cabal, Loretta Chang as Lori, Dexter Howard as the Sheriff, Joel Butler as David Cronenberg and the Deputy, Cassie Vulpine as the Governor and the monster gatekeeper, and David Court as Frank Belknap Long. The script was written by Bitter Karella and edited by Robin Johnson. Production and music were by Robin Johnson. Daisy McNamara was an audio consultant. Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals is created by Bitter Karella. All characters are fictitious, especially the real ones. If you’ve enjoyed this episode, please consider leaving us a rating or a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your favorite podcast platform. Subscribe to Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals wherever you find podcasts, or find us at midnightpals.com
[MUSIC PLAYS OUT.
CAMPFIRE AMBIENCE FADES BACK IN]
LONG: (MUFFLED) So your fursona should be a reflection of the real you, the real essence of your soul. For example, my fursona is named Wolfblade Sharptalon and he’s a wolf that’s a DJ by day and a ninja assassin by night. He carries a katana called Chakat Cleaver and he’s on an epic mission to avenge the death of his father by a rival ninja clan and also to hang around with his junk hanging out.
KOONTZ: Gosh! Can my fursona be a dog?
LONG: No. The choices are fox and wolf. Maybe dragon.
[FADE]