Neurotic closet-dweller Bram Stoker visits the campfire to tell his iconic vampire story.
Neurotic closet-dweller Bram Stoker visits the campfire to tell his iconic vampire story. In Transylvania, hot twink Jon "Jonathan" Harker shacks up with a rich older man who wants to consume his bodily fluids. Meanwhile in England, notorious strumpet Lucy Westenra attempts to ensnare her innocent friend Mina into the dangerous and disgusting world of sex. A cautionary tale about the perils of horniness, as Bram attempts to prove once and for all that vampires are in no way sexy. Mary Shelley invites Anne Rice and Stephenie Meyer just to stir the pot.
Content notes: swearing, raised voices, violence, death, guns, gory sounds, Victorian institutionalisation of mental health patients, strong sexual content.
CAST
with
Script by Bitter Karella, edited by Robin Johnson, based loosely on Dracula by Bram Stoker. Production by Robin Johnson. Music by Alex Rancourt, Robin Johnson and Lou Sutcliffe.
Bram Stoker's 1897 novel Dracula is the codifying example of the vampire story in popular culture. The book is in the public domain and can be found on Project Gutenberg at https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/345
Stoker's completely normal letter to Walt Whitman, written on Valentine's Day of 1876, can be read at https://www.themarginalian.org/2019/01/09/bram-stoker-walt-whitman-letter/
A transcript of this episode can be found at https://midnight-pals.simplecast.com/episodes/s01e03-the-tale-of-dracula/transcript
The Midnight Pals is the creation of Bitter Karella ©
Subscribe to Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Pocket Cast, or wherever you find podcasts. For more information, see https://midnightpals.com
[INTRO MUSIC PLAYS: A SPOOKY TUNE ON PIPE ORGAN IN 3/4 TIME, BASED AROUND 12 CHIMES OF A CHURCH BELL.]
VOICEOVER (Rodrigo Borges): Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals, created by Bitter Karella.
[MUSIC PLAYS OUT.
FOREST AMBIENCE FADES IN. CAMPFIRE CRACKLING NEARBY. OWL HOOTS]
EDGAR ALLAN POE (Rodrigo): For tonight's meeting of the Midnight Society, our storyteller will be Bram Stoker. Bram, what do you have for us?
BRAM STOKER (Joel Butler): Hi, everyone, tonight I’ve got a real scary little spine chiller for you. I call this The Tale of Dracula!
CLIVE BARKER (Sister Indica): Ah, the Tale of Dracula’s Dick. I know it well.
POE: Clive.
BARKER: What? I’m sorry, Edgar, is there a problem? I’m just saying that I know the story.
POE: Don’t be an instigator, Clive.
STOKER: Yeah, Clive! God! There you go again. You always have to make everything into a gross sex thing! Well, this story has no sex in it at all.
BARKER: C’mon, man, you’re joking. It’s Dracula. This story is super horny.
STOKER: I don’t know why you guys are always saying that! This story isn’t horny at all! It’s just a nice clean completely sex-free non-horny story about a blood-sucking vampire who imprisons a hot young twink in his gothic castle. There’s nothing horny about it!
BARKER: Sure, man, whatever you say, Bram.
HP LOVECRAFT (Robin Johnson): Well, I'm looking forward to a nice non-horny family-values murder fest.
BARKER: Says the man who invented tentacle porn.
LOVECRAFT: (ANGRILY) That movie was a loose adaptation that I had no creative involvement in—
STOKER: Look, Clive, tonight I’m going to show you. Just ’cause you like being horny doesn’t mean that a story has to be horny to be good. I’m going to show you how completely not horny a story can be! This is the sex free, completely bone dry tale of Dracula.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]
MARY SHELLEY (Rebecca D'Souza): Am I late?
BARKER: You’re just in time, Mary. Bram was about to explain to us all how completely non-horny vampires are.
SHELLEY: Cool. Brought some mates. This is Anne Rice and Stephenie Meyer.
ANNE RICE (Jessica Berson): Mary told us you were doing a vampire story tonight. I love vampires. They’re so dreamy.
STEPHENIE MEYER (Nomi Ibsen): Don’t forget sexy.
RICE: So sexy!
STOKER: (WOUND UP) No they’re not!
RICE: The vampire in my story’s called (DREAMILY) Lestat de Lioncourt.
MEYER: That’s so cool!
STOKER: No, it’s not. It’s a stupid sexy name.
RICE: He’s a concert-grade violinist and a ballerina. And he makes out with Jesus.
MEYER: My vampire’s called Edward. (PAUSE) He plays baseball.
STOKER: See, now, that’s much better. Healthy sporting activity to work off those... urges.
RICE: What base does he get to?
MEYER/RICE: (GIGGLING)
BARKER: Nice.
MEYER: Anne, you're so bad!
STOKER: Aaah! Is nothing unsexy for you people? Edgar, make them stop bonding over their mutual perversion.
POE: All right, everybody. Let’s let Bram tell his story.
STOKER: Thank you.
[EPISODE MUSIC BEGINS: CHIPTUNE STYLE MUSIC EVOCATIVE OF A CASTLEVANIA-LIKE 8-BIT VAMPIRE VIDEOGAME. AMBIENCE STARTS FADING TO TRANSYLVANIAN VILLAGE]
STOKER: It all starts when real estate agent Jonathan Harker is called to Transylvania to complete a deal with a certain Count Dracula—
DEAN KOONTZ (Wren Montgomery): Count Dracula?! But he’s a vampire!
[FADE AND MUSIC STOP ABRUPTLY]
STOKER: Yes, Dean, but Harker doesn’t know that yet.
KOONTZ: How can he not know that? Dracula’s a famous vampire!
BARKER: Now now, Dean’s got a good point there. Dracula is a very famous vampire.
POE: Clive.
BARKER: Oh I’m sorry, Edgar, are you disagreeing with me?
POE: No, I just... okay, yeah, it’s true, Dracula is very famous.
STEPHEN KING (Jason Robinson): He's right, Bram. Maybe it'll get past the casual readers, but anyone with even a Bachelor's degree in literature knows Dracula's a vampire.
STOKER: Okay, yeah, you all know the story of Dracula. But in the world of Dracula, Dracula doesn’t exist.
KOONTZ: What?
STOKER: I mean, the story of Dracula doesn’t exist.
MEYER: What?
BARKER: (LAUGHS)
STOKER: I mean—CLIVE, STOP LAUGHING
BARKER: No, no, please do go on. Explain this to us. Like we were children. How does the story of Dracula not exist in the story of Dracula?
STOKER: Okay you know what? This is getting too confusing. I’m going to change it up. From now on, the character is not called Dracula. He’s called... Dr Acula, okay?!
BARKER: Hey it’s your story, man. (GIGGLES)
[FADE.
FADE IN AMBIENCE FOR TRANSYLVANIAN VILLAGE OUTSIDE CASTLE (FOREST NOISES, THUNDERSTORM)]
STOKER (V/O): As I was saying, it all started when real estate agent Jonathan Harker was summoned to Transylvania to complete a real estate deal with a certain Dracula. I mean, uh, Dr. Acula.
[HOOFBEATS APPROACH. KNOCK ON DOOR. DOOR CREAKS OPEN OMINOUSLY]
JONATHAN HARKER (Thaddeus Strange): (PLAYED AS AN IMPRESSION OF KEANU REEVES IN THE BILL & TED MOVIES) Mr. Acula?
DRACULA (Rodrigo): Um, that’s Dr. Acula, actually. I didn’t go to four years of Scholomance medical school just to be called mister, thank you very much.
HARKER: Whoa, apologies, dude. I’m, like, Jonathan Harker from London. I heard you, like, wanted to buy some totally tubular real estate.
DRACULA: That is correct, Mr Harker.
KING: (V/O) Sorry to interrupt...
FADE TO CAMPFIRE.
STOKER: Oh, go ahead, Stephen. I'm sure you've got something to say about how this real estate deal is filling your pervert head with sexy thoughts of squirming, hairy, floppy—
KING: Uh, no, it's, uh. I'm not quite sure how to say this, but...
BARKER: It's okay to be turned on by a real estate deal, Steve. We all knew.
KING: No, that's not it! Although I am feeling a little—anyway. Bram... is Dracula antisemitic?
STOKER: No, he's a vampire.
KING: Yeah, but is he like, coded Jewish?
STOKER: What?
LOVECRAFT: No, Steve's got a point. Weird rich Eastern Europeans who all live in castles in Transylvania and can turn into bats. That does kind of remind me of vampires.
POE: Howard!
KING: And like, the way Dracula and his vampire buddies control the global financial markets?
STOKER: I didn't write that!
MEYER: Oh, that might have been me.
KING: Are you sure? 'Cause I read an article in the New Statesman, and it said—
STOKER: Yes I'm sure, it's my story. Dracula is not antisemitic. It's anti-sex. Listen!
[FADE BACK TO OUTSIDE CASTLE]
DRACULA: Oh, you’re a vital young buck, aren’t you, Mr Harker, just positively bursting with sweet warm blood hmm? My my how interesting.
HARKER: Oh yeah, my fiancée Mina is always saying that about me. Saying how I’ve got a lot of blood.
DRACULA: Excellent. Please enter my foreboding castle, Mr. Harker, and leave some of the happiness you bring!
HARKER: Thanks, dude.
DRACULA: (CACKLES)
[FADE TO CASTLE INTERIROR (SPOOKY NOISES, HEAVY ECHO). GRANDFATHER CLOCK CHIMES TWO IN BACKGROUND]
HARKER: I just need you to sign some paperwork, Dr. Acula, and then Carfax Abbey will totally be yours. [SOUND OF PAPERS SHUFFLING] Right here. [PEN SCRIBBLING] And here. [PEN SCRIBBLING] And here... [PEN SCRIBBLING]
[SCENE FADES OUT AND BACK IN TO INDICATE PASSAGE OF TIME. CLOCK CHIMES MIDNIGHT IN BACKGROUND]
HARKER: ...here... and then right there. [PEN SCRIBBLING] Bodaceous! You are now the owner of Carfax Abbey in London. But, Dr. Acula, I have to wonder—why are you buying up so much prime London real estate? Seems pretty gnarly.
DRACULA: I’m trying to break into the unhallowed dirt distribution business. In fact, we’re shipping out our first containers right now. But let’s not talk any more business. You mentioned your fiancée Mina. Not wife, though, Mr. Harker?
HARKER: Not yet. We're, like, engaged or whatever.
DRACULA: So what I’m hearing is, you’re a swinging bachelor, hm? Interesting. A swinging bachelor just absolutely sloshing with sweet delicious crimson blood.
[AMBIENCE SNAPS BACK TO CAMPFIRE]
BARKER: I thought you said this wasn’t gonna be horny, Bram.
STOKER: What are you talking about? What’s horny about this?
BARKER: Dracula’s pretty strongly implying he’s gonna suck off that twink.
RICE: Oh, he totally is. In a respectful way, though.
MEYER: That’s what I like about vampire stories. They’re so subtle.
STOKER: I genuinely don’t know where you all get this stuff. Dracula, I mean Dr. Acula is just a regular freak who loves to suck people’s fluids, there’s nothing at all sexual about it. ANYWAY,
[AMBIENCE FADES BACK TO CASTLE]
DRACULA: I’d like you to write a letter to your fiancée and tell her that you’re going to spend the next month here in my castle, just hanging out with me, like bros.
HARKER: Sure, sounds legit.
DRACULA: And you know, just like bros, we can hang out... maybe drink a little bit of each other’s blood, nothing gay, you know.
HARKER: Oh yeah, dude, I gotcha.
DRACULA: Perfect. Please make yourself at home, Mr Harker, but don’t wander too far around in my castle, please. We wouldn’t want you to run afoul of my harem of he/him lesbian wives after all. Ha ha ha!
HARKER: No, of course not... wait, what?
[FADE.
FADE IN AMBIENCE OF MINA'S HOUSE IN LONDON. BIRDSONG OUTSIDE. MUSIC BOX BEING WOUND UP, THEN PLAYING THE MIDNIGHT PALS THEME IN BACKGROUND.
STOKER (V/O): Meanwhile, back in London, Harker’s fiancée Mina Murray was hanging out with her best gal pal, the notorious slut Lucy Westenra.
BARKER (V/O): Notorious slut, you say?
MEYER (V/O): I think he means awkward misunderstood teen.
RICE (V/O): No, he means slut.
STOKER (V/O): Shut up.
LUCY (Marnie Warner): Oh my gord, Mina, have you tried this new thing that all the cool kids are going crazy for? It’s called sex!
MINA (Rebecca): I should say not, Lucy! I’ve heard that this new fangled sex thing is actually quite dangerous. It can cause hysteria, the vapors, or even wandering uterus.
LUCY: Yeah, well, my uterus gonna wander so far it’ll fall out to catch these hotties.
MINA: (GIGGLING) You’re terrible, Lucy.
LUCY: No, no, take it from me, this sex thing? It’s pretty okay. See, I’ve got this harem of he/him lesbian boyfriends and they’re all crazy for it.
MINA: Boyfriends? My goodness, Lucy, how very modern!
LUCY: Yeah! See, there’s Dr. Seward, but you can forget about him. And then there’s Arthur Holmwood. We’re gonna get married for some reason! And then there’s Quincey Morris. He’s a cowboy!.
[DOOR OPENS. COWBOY PIANNY MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND. SIX-SHOOTERS BEING FIRED IN THE AIR]
QUINCEY MORRIS (Joel): Yeeeee-ha! Did somebody call fer a cowboy?
LUCY: Oh, Quincey, there you are now... and you brought your gun with you! Gosh, I hope it doesn’t go off. (GIGGLES)
QUINCEY: [GUN FIRES] Whoops! Sorry, ma’am.
MINA: Mr Morris, would you kindly please stop firing your pistol in the house.
QUINCEY: [GUN STILL FIRING] Sorry pardna, this ain’t never, uh, happened to me before.
[GUN CONTINUES FIRING IN BACKGROUND]
LUCY: Oh my gord, Mina, you’re such a prude.
MINA: Lucy, please. While you’re playing with your cowboy’s six shooter, I’m worried about my Jonathan. [SOUND OF ROPE BEING TWIRLED IN BACKGROUND] His last letter was so cold. He says that he’s going to stay in Transylvania with this Dr. Acula for a full month. What could that mean? Mr. Morris, would you kindly stop twirling that lasso for just one second?
QUINCEY: [ROPE STILL TWIRLING, GUN STILL FIRING] No can do, pardna! Yee-ha!
LUCY: Oh my gord, Mina, you worry too much. It’s totally normal for a guy to just shack up in a foreign aristocrat’s castle for a month. I do it all the time.
MINA: I just hope it’s not something more sinister. Mr Morris, could you please stop tossing your ten gallon hat into the air?
QUINCEY: No can do, pardna!
[SOUNDS OF GUN FIRING, LASSO TWIRLING AND HAT TOSSING CONTINUE AS THE SCENE FADES OUT.
[FADE IN BUSY LONDON NIGHT AMBIENCE: FOOTSTEPS, HOOFBEATS DRUNKEN CROWDS MUMBLING AND SINGING.]
STOKER (V/O): But Mina was right to be alarmed. For while her Jonathan was detained in Dr Acula’s castle, mercy to the whims of the vampire’s extremely horny brides, Dr Acula himself had already arrived in London with an evil plan to seduce women and get his withered vampire dick wet. And that night, he appeared on the street outside Lucy’s house.
[FLAPPING OF BAT. PUFF OF SMOKE. SOUND OF SOMEONE LANDING ON PAVEMENT]
DRACULA: (SINGING TO HIMSELF) Nosferatu! He’s simply got to drink somebody’s blood. Hey! Nosferatu! He’s simply got to... roll in unhallowed mud, bud! Hey!
[SOUND OF DRUNK PEOPLE DRINKING AND SINGING]
DRUNK BRITISH PEOPLE: (SINGING) Oh, Lord Ruthven... YOU'RE GOIN' 'OME IN AN 'ORSE-DRAWN AMBULANCE
DRACULA: Hark, the children of the night! What music they make!
DRUNKEN BRITISH WOMAN (OFF): Fuck off, you wanker!
[A DREADFUL MUSIC-HALL SONG, "OH, LORD RUTHVEN", PLAYS IN BACKGROUND]
DRACULA: I’ve come to England and now, using the Pick-Up Artists’ Guide to London, I shall finally achieve my goal: of drinking some delicious English lady blood! I’ve heard that English women are very submissive and respectful. Not like women back home in Romania—they’ve all been ruined by western feminism. Mmm, do I spy an open window? Perhaps some delicate bloom of English womanhood awaits within, some delectable morsel of vitality filled with blood like a big, wobbling blood balloon. Time to turn into a bat!
[PUFF OF SMOKE. BAT FLAPS. KNOCKING ON WINDOW. WINDOW IS PUSHED OPEN. BAT FLIES THROUGH. AMBIENCE SHIFTS TO INTERNAL ROOM WITH "OH LORD RUTHVEN" PLAYING ON A GRAMOPHONE. ANOTHER PUFF OF SMOKE, AND SOUND OF DRACULA LANDING ON THE FLOOR IN HUMAN FORM]
LUCY: Whoa, like, who are you and how did you get into my room?
DRACULA: Ah, good evening! Please forgive the intrusion. I am known as Count Dr Acula. I am a foreign aristocrat who’s recently purchased the neighboring abbey and moved to your London. I couldn’t help but hear your bewitching voice through the window, so I simply changed into a bat and flew in. Nothing suspicious.
LUCY: Oh my gord, that’s so hot! And you say you’re a doctor?
DRACULA: Yes.
LUCY: And you own an abbey?
DRACULA: Yes.
LUCY: (TO HERSELF) Well, I can’t not fuck him. (OUT LOUD) Hey, Dr Acula! I just got this brand new bed here and I was hoping that a mysterious foreign aristocrat might come by and help me, ,,m, test it out?
DRACULA: Ah ah ah! I only sleep in a coffin buried in the unhallowed earth of my homeland.
LUCY: (HORNY) OH MY GORD, this guy knows all the right things to say! Okay, um, how about this? I just got this brand new vagina and I was hoping that a mysterious foreign aristocrat might come by and help me, mmm, test it out?
DRACULA: Ah! Now that, my lovely, I can help with.
[SOUNDS OF SEX. BED SQUEAKING]
LUCY: (GASPING) Oh my gord YES. Bite me like one of your Romanian women! Um, is that your dick?
DRACULA: Yes, yes, just ignore the keratin spines. Hold still, I’m going to plunge my teeth into your jugular and suck your life essence out of you, leaving your body a withered husk and your soul damned to wander the night eternally!
LUCY: Oh gord yes! Damn, you are freaky, doctor! Just remember, my safe word is “Rutabaga.”
DRACULA: Inredible! Whoaaa! Oh, there’s no ride like this in Eastern Euro Disneyland! Ha ha ha!
[AMBIENCE CUTS BACK TO CAMPFIRE]
STOKER: And so Lucy, a slave to her passions as are all women, was seduced by the vile fiend Dr. Acula, seduced by his wanton carnality and huge vampire hog. In the nights that followed, she lived in a dreamworld of sensuality, oblivious to the passage of time.
BARKER: Mmm, this is getting me pretty hot, gotta say.
STOKER: Shut up. You think all that sex is hot? Well, you know what’s NOT hot? Consequences. Lucy thought she was having the time of her life, but in the days that followed, she slowly succumbed to a mysterious blood fever, so mysterious that her household had to call for the family doctor to diagnose her.
BARKER: Whoa whoa whoa, hold on. Aren’t you forgetting someone?
STOKER: What?
BARKER: You know, Dracula’s little pal? Whatsisname, um... Igor!
STOKER: You mean Renfield. I’m getting to that.
RICE: No, I’m pretty sure it’s Igor. I saw that in the movie. Or was it the sequel?
KOONTZ: Yeah, I remember that too!
LOVECRAFT: I remember Igor. Shifty little fella. (LOWERS VOICE) I think he was Italian.
POE: I think they’re right. There was an Igor, wasn’t there?
KING: Oh, I definitely saw Dracula and Igor in a movie. (CHUCKLING) With Abbot and Costello. Oh, they got into a real pickle!
STOKER: That’s Frankenstein. Frankenstein has Igor!
SHELLEY: (INTERRUPTING) No he fucking doesn’t.
STOKER: Okay, you know what? Sure, fine, Dracula has an assistant named Igor.
KOONTZ: It’s nice Dracula has a friend.
MEYER: So they’re, like, an item, right?
STOKER: OH MY GOD, STOP RUINING MY STORY.
[AMBIENCE FADES TO VICTORIAN ASYLUM: DRIPPING, RATTLING OF CHAINS, SCREAMING AND MANIACAL LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE, CLOSE ECHO]
STOKER (V/O): So Dr. Acula was really just using Lucy, who was probably what you sex-likers would call a 7, to get at her friend Mina, who’s what you sex-likers would probably call a 10. But in order to effect the next part of his plan, he realized he was missing a key component: a weird little dude.
[HEAVY IRON DOOR SLAMS]
DR. SEWARD (Cassie Vulpine): (RICHARD E GRANT IMPRESSION) Hello and welcome to my Victorian asylum. I’m the head doctor in charge, Dr Seward. Apparently I am in this story after all. How can I help you?
DRACULA: Good evening. I am Dr Acula. I am in the market for a weird little dude.
DR. SEWARD: Ah! Well, you’ve come to the right place. We’ve got all the latest models of weird little dudes, you can take your pick from the lot. Now are you looking for one with, say, a hunchback or maybe a club foot—
DRACULA: No, no, nothing fancy. Just your standard issue weird little dude.
DR. SEWARD: —or maybe some crazy eyes.
DRACULA: Oh! Yes! Actually, some crazy eyes would be good.
DR SEWARD: Oh, I think we’ve just the thing that you’re looking for. Check this one here, the newest Renfield model, just off the assembly line. [CELL OPENING] I think you’ll really appreciate him.
RENFIELD (John Serrano): Master, master!
DR SEWARD: Here, take him for a test drive and see for yourself.
RENFIELD: Master, master, master!
DR SEWARD: See? He likes you!
DRACULA: I don’t know, he seems a little clingy. What do I feed him?
DR SEWARD: Oh, just bugs. He won’t be any trouble at all.
DRACULA: (LAUGHING) That’s crazy. You’re pulling my leg.
DR SEWARD: No, for real, check this out. Oh, Renfield? Renfield? Mr Renfield? I’ve got some delicious bugs here for you. Would you like some bugs?
RENFIELD: Yes, please.
DR SEWARD: There you go, nice yummy bugs. There’s a good boy.
[BUGS BEING CRUNCHED]
DR SEWARD: See? What did I tell you.
DRACULA: (DELIGHTED) Ha ha! Oh, that’s gross! Okay, you’ve sold me. I’ll take him.
RENFIELD: The bugs are the life, Master!
DR SEWARD: Excellent. Usually there’s an adoption fee, but we’ll waive that this time because I’m really in a hurry. I’m being summoned to look in on a patient of mine who’s suddenly come down with a mysterious case of extreme horniness.
DRACULA: Oh... how dreadful!
DR. SEWARD: Yes. But don’t worry, with the latest in Victorian medical knowledge, I’m sure that I can help here. One moment, let me just pack my leeches.
RENFIELD: [AS THE SCENE FADES] Master! Master! Give me bugs, Master!
[AMBIENCE FADES TO LUCY'S HOUSE IN LONDON. HORSEBEATS OUTSIDE. LUCY'S HORNY NOISES AUDIBLE THROUGH WALL FROM NEXT ROOM]
STOKER (V/O): So as Dr Acula, armed with his weird little dude, put the second phase of his evil plan into action, Dr Seward rushed to Lucy’s side to try to find the cause of her unnatural horniness.
[DOOR OPENS]
DR. SEWARD: I came as fast as I could. What seems to be the problem, Mina?
MINA: Oh, Dr. Seward, it’s Lucy. She’s become frightfully horny lately and I don’t think it’s at all healthy.
[INTERNAL DOOR OPENS. LUCY'S HORNY NOISES BECOME CLEARER]
LUCY: Oh... oh I'm just so horny...
MINA: It’s definitely not very English.
LUCY: Oh... Mina? Oh, Mina, why don't you come over here? Oh! (CONTINUES)
DR SEWARD: There’s an old medical adage that in treating disease you should always look for the most obvious cause first. Mr. Morris?
QUINCEY: Howdy! [COWBOY MUSIC PLAYS]
DR. SEWARD: Would you be so kind as to leave the room?
QUINCEY: Sure thang, pardna.
[DOOR CLOSES. COWBOY MUSIC STOPS]
DR SEWARD: (PATRONISINGLY SLOWLY AND CLEARLY) How do you feel now, Lucy?
LUCY: (HORNY) I don’t know. You better take my temperature with your big hard sexy thermometer. Mmmm, ooh, oh yeah (CONTINUES)
DR. SEWARD: She remains horny even when the cowboy is out of the room.
MINA: Oh doctor, can you help her?
DR. SEWARD: Don’t worry, Mina. I’m a modern doctor of the modern Victorian age, with the very latest of Victorian medical knowledge at my disposal. Now, hand me my trepanning kit and be aware that the patient may resist, but it’s very important that we drill the hole deep enough that all the evil spirits can drain out.
MINA: Shouldn’t you clean that drill first, Dr. Seward?
DR. SEWARD: Mina, please! I’m the doctor here.
[NOISE OF HAND DRILL]
LUCY: (HORNY) Ohhh, Dr. Seward, is that a trepanning drill in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? You gonna stick your big, hard drill in my soft, wet, sticky head, hmmm?
DR SEWARD: Great Scott! She’s way too horny to respond to conventional treatments. I’m afraid, Mina, that I’m at the limit of my abilities. I’ll have to send for my old mentor, Dr Abraham Van Helsing, the renowned expert on blood and blood accessories. [OLD-TIMEY ELECTRIC DOORBELL RINGS] Ah, there he is now!
[DOOR OPENS. FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]
VAN HELSING (Cassie): (STRONG SILLY DUTCH ACCENT) Ladies and Gentlemen, I am Dr Abraham Van Helsing, the world’s foremost expert on blood and blood accessories. I came as soon as I received your call, Dr. Seward. Now please step aside and allow me to examine the patient.
MINA: Thank God you’re here, Dr Van Helsing. Lucy, the doctor’s here. He’s going to find out why you’ve been so unnaturally horny.
LUCY: (MOANING) Gord, I’m so hot... I’m burning up... I feel like my loins are on fire... I’m discombobulated... I got ants in my pants... oooh (CONTINUES)
VAN HELSING: Stethoscope, please.
DR SEWARD: Stethoscope.
LUCY: Oooo, doctor, that’s a big stethoscope you got there, mmm.
VAN HELSING: Old timey doctor headband with a mirror on it, please.
DR SEWARD: Old timey doctor headband with a mirror on it.
LUCY: Ooo, doctor, that’s a big old timey doctor headband with a mirror on it you got there, mmm.
VAN HELSING: Stake, please.
DR. SEWARD: Stake.
LUCY: Oooo doctor that’s a big—
[HAMMERING AND SQUISHY NOISES AS VAN HELSING STAKES LUCY]
LUCY: (SCREAMS) ARGHHH!!! COME ON! OH, COME O—(STOPS ABRUPTLY)
MINA: (SHOCKED) Oh! Dr Van Helsing! You just staked Lucy through the heart!
VAN HELSING: I’m afraid it was medically necessary to save her soul, Mina. The prognosis is clear.
[DOOR OPENS. COWBOY MUSIC PLAYS. SIX-GUN BEING FIRED]
VAN HELSING: Lucy suffered from a disease called being too horny and her horniness has a vile, infernal source: None other than the fiend known as—Mr. Morris, would you kindly stop shooting your pistol?
QUINCEY: [GUN FIRING] No can do, pardna!
VAN HELSING: (CLEARS THROAT) The fiend known as... [THUNDER CRASHES] Dr Acula!
MINA: Dr. Acula? You know him, doctor?
VAN HELSING: Yes, we went to medical school together. The only way to save your dear Lucy’s soul, I’m afraid, was to put a stake through her heart and chop off her head. Speaking of which, Mr Morris, could you just aim your pistol slightly to the left...
QUINCEY: [GUN FIRING] You got it, pardna.
[SINGLE GUNSHOT. THUD OF HEAD FALLING TO FLOOR]
VAN HELSING: And now that Lucy is dead, I’m afraid that Dr Acula will be even more hard-up than before. Mina, you will be his next target. You must be brave. Dr Acula will be hornier than ever and he will stop at nothing to seduce you into a twilight half-life of eternal damnnation and horniness. You must resist with all the paltry self-control that God gave a woman.
MINA: Of course, doctor, my loyalty to my twink fiancé is my strength.
VAN HELSING: Ah yes, your fiancé. And where is he now?
MINA: He’s currently living at Dr Acula’s castle in Transylvania for... um... reasons.
[DOOR BURSTS OPEN]
HARKER: Not any more, dudes!
VAN HELSING: Jonathan Harker! You’re alive! How did you survive your harrowing imprisonment?
HARKER: Oh it was, like, most egregiously harrowing, man. I kept being woken up at night by these three weird totally hot babes.
VAN HELSING: The he/him lesbian brides! They possess horniness that few men could endure.
HARKER: I know, right. I was most harrowed.
VAN HELSING: You poor man. If there's anything more terrifying than sex with a lady... it's sex with three ladies! But somehow you survived. However did you manage to escape the vampire's castle?
HARKER: Yeah, it was no big deal once I realized that all I had to do was jump up and press right to go to the marble gallery [8-BIT MUSIC IN BACKGROUND] then go through the blue door and step on the floor switch until it clicked. And most triumphantly, I learned from Dr. Acula’s harem of he/him lesbian wives that he means to return to his ancestral home back in Transylvania.
MINA: What an unexpected narrative complication!
VAN HELSING: Yes, you might even call it the old Transylvania Twist. Then that’s where we must go! Quickly, when does the next train leave for Transylvania?
[COWBOY MUSIC STARTS]
QUINCEY: [GUN FIRING] Y’all, I got me some horses here, we can just saddle up and ride on out.
VAN HELSING: Thank you for your input, Mr. Morris.
QUINCEY: ’Cause I—
VAN HELSING: THANK YOU, MR MORRIS.
[FADE.
SOUND OF STEAM TRAIN PASSING THROUGH COUNTRYSIDE]
STOKER (V/O): And thus began a merry madcap chase as our heroes pursued the infamous undead villain back to Transylvania.
[TRAIN PASSES. SOUND OF HOOFBEATS FOLLOW AFTER IT]
QUINCEY: [IN DISTANCE] Yeeee-ha!!
[FADE.
DRACULA'S CASTLE AMBIENCE FADES IN. 8-BIT MUSIC CUE. SOUND OF BAT FLAPPING IN, PUFF OF SMOKE, VAMPIRE LANDING ON FLAGSTONES]
DRACULA: Ah, here I am back at my ancestral castle. Feels like I never left!
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
DRACULA: Who is it?
VAN HELSING (OFF): Vampire hunters.
DRACULA: Vampire hunters?
[DOOR BEING BROKEN IN. 8-BIT MUSIC STARTS]
VAN HELSING: That’s right, vile fiend! It’s me, Dr Abraham Van Helsing, and this doctor’s got a prescription for pain! Your reign of terror is about to end, undead abomination, and—[SOUND OF SIX-SHOOTER FIRING] Mr. Morris, could you PLEASE hold your fire for just a moment?
QUINCEY: [GUN FIRING] Sorry, pardna.
VAN HELSING: Whatever. Harker, show him your cross!
HARKER: Sure. (AGGRESSIVELY) Fuck you, you evil bloodsucking—
VAN HELSING: No, I mean your crucifix. In the presence of a holy symbol he'll be weakened, then you grab him and hold him still while I stake his heart.
HARKER: I know, man. Couldn't resist. Uh, crucifix... [JINGLING, RUMMAGING IN POCKETS] got it. Hey, Dr Acula, get a load of this!
DRACULA: It's nice. I like the gold inlay on Jesus's loincloth.
VAN HELSING: It's not working. He must be Jewish-coded. Try a Star of David.
HARKER: [RUMMAGING] There!
DRACULA: Fine craftsmanship.
VAN HELSING: Shit. Got a yin-yang?
HARKER: Uh... [RUMMAGING] Eat opposite but complementary spiritual forces, sphincter boy!
DRACULA: I've always admired the eastern philosophies.
HARKER: Bogus! [RUMMAGING] What about this... crescent and star, huh? No? Wheel of Shiva? Pentacle? Uh... Angel Moroni? I'm running out of religions here, Dr V.H.!
DRACULA: Ah, Dr Van Helsing, my old nemesis! So we meet again. But this time the advantage is mine!
VAN HELSING: You speak of advantages? You steal men’s souls and make them your slaves!
DRACULA: Perhaps the same could be said of all religions.
VAN HELSING: Whoa, holy shit. I never thought of it that way before
HARKER: He's a smug atheist! Hey, Acula, get a load of this... [RUMMAGING] reddit logo!
DRACULA: Aaaaaargh!
HARKER: Got him! Quick, Doc! Stake him through the heart, dude! I can’t hold him forever!
VAN HELSING: Give me a second, I gotta digest this. Damn. “All religions.” That’s fucked up, man.
HARKER: I got him! I got him! Quincey! Shoot him!
[SIX-GUN STARTS FIRING]
DRACULA: You fools! You can’t kill me! You’re all just a bunch of miserable piles of secrets! I have a power beyond life and death, a power beyond imagining, that your puny mortal minds cannot comprehend... the power of horniness!
QUINCEY: Tarnation, pardna! [GUN BEING READIED] Yer about to feel the power of my pea shooter!
[GUN FIRES]
RENFIELD: Master! Noooooo! [8-BIT JUMP NOISE] Agh!
[THUMP OF BODY LANDING ON FLOOR]
DRACULA: Igor!
HARKER: Whoah, Quincey! You shot the weird little dude.
QUINCEY: Well, it weren’t mah fault. He done jumped right in the way o’ ma bullet.
DRACULA: Igor! Noooo!!
RENFIELD: (MAKING DYING NOISES) My name’s Renfield! (DIES)
DRACULA: (GRIEVED) You were like a weird little son to me, Igor. Your sacrifice will not have been in vain.
HARKER: He’s totally distracted! Quincey, get him! Now!
GUN CLICKS
QUINCEY: Dagnabbit, I’m plumb outta bullets.
DRACULA: But I’m not out of teeth!
DRACULA POUNCES AND BITES.
QUINCEY: (SCREAMS)
HARKER: No!!! Not the cowboy! We all liked him!
[SAD COWBOY MUSIC PLAYS]
QUINCEY: (WEAKLY) Tarnation, pardna... looks like this rodeo’s over. I’m yippied my last ki yay. I’ve yee’d my last ha. I’ve shivered my last timber... no wait that’s a pirate thing. This is it, hombre. Bury me in my jingle jangly spurs cuz I’m comin’ home to that big rootin’ tootin’ ponderosa in the sky. Git along... lil’.... doggies... (DIES)
DRACULA: Ha! Ha! Ha!
HARKER: Heinous!! You killed Quincey Morris! He was so much fun! He made this whole excellent adventure so colorful!
VAN HELSING: We’ll have to do this the old fashioned way. Eat stake, prick!
[8-BIT MUSIC RESUMES]
DRACULA: Actually, I only drink blo—(SCREAMS) [DRACULA BEING STAKED] Oh you meant that kind of stake, right. Oh... I’ve been staked through the heart... I’m crumbling into dust... what a world! What a world! (CRUMBLES, DIES)
[FADES]
[AMBIENCE FADES TO MINA’S HOUSE. WEDDING MARCH PLAYS ON MUSIC BOX]
VAN HELSING: Thank goodness, now that Dr. Acula is dead the curse upon you and Mina has been lifted. Jonathan, Mina, I wish you good luck in your marriage and your lives.
HARKER: Now we can finally peace out, and have a good, chaste, sex-free life just as God intended.
STOKER: (V/O) And they all lived happily ever after! The end.
[FADES BACK TO CAMPFIRE]
STOKER: See? I told you a story doesn’t have to be horny to be good.
BARKER: What are you talking about? That was the horniest story I’ve ever heard.
KING: He's right. That real estate deal was something else. And the cross-continental public transportation routes, whew!
STOKER: I barely mentioned the transportation.
RICE: Right, but it was implied. Sometimes it's what you don't show.
LOVECRAFT: I don't mind saying, the demonization of mental illness got me pretty hot under the collar.
BARKER: What about that whole thing with Dracula seducing Lucy? And then getting horny for Mina?
MEYER: And the small matter of the lesbian vampire harem in the castle?
STOKER: Oh those don’t count. I mean, those were all about having sex with women.
BARKER: (NOT FOLLOWING) Right...
STOKER: And, I mean, that just doesn’t happen in real life.
BARKER: (LAUGHING) What?
STOKER: I mean, whoever heard of sex with women? That’s just ridiculous.
BARKER: Haah, oh my god.
POE: Clive.
RICE: Oh, dear lord.
MEYER: Oh my god, this guy.
POE: Guys. Leave him alone. He’s working some things out.
BARKER: Obviously.
[END MUSIC STARTS FADING IN]
SHELLEY: It’s all right, Bram. Really. You know if you ever need to talk, that’s fine. As long as it’s not to me, okay?
KOONTZ: I didn’t like the part where the cowboy died.
BARKER: Yeah, well, nobody liked that.
[END MUSIC PLAYS: A SOFTER VERSION OF THE INTRO THEME ON WOODWIND AND HARP]
VOICEOVER (Robin): Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals starred Rodrigo Borges as Edgar Allan Poe and Dr Acula, Jason Robinson as Stephen King, Rebecca D'Souza as Mary Shelley and Mina Murray, Sister Indica as Clive Barker, Wren Montgoery as Dean Koontz, and Robin Johnson as HP Lovecraft; with Joel Butler as Bram Stoker and Quincy Morris, Thaddeus Strange as Jonathan Harker, Marnie Warner as Lucy, Cassie Vulpine as Drs Seward and Van Helsing, Jessica Berson as Anne Rice, Nomi Ibsen as Stephenie Meyer, and John Serrano as Renfield; and additional voices by Emily Hannak, Lou Sutcliff and David Court. The script was written by Bitter Karella and edited by Robin Johnson, based on Dracula by Bram Stoker. The music was by Robin Johnson, Alex Rancourt and Lou Sutcliff. The episode was directed and produced by Robin Johnson. Daisy McNamara was an audio consultant. Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals is created by Bitter Karella. All characters are fictitious, especially the real ones. If you've enjoyed this episode, please consider leaving us a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or your favourite podcast platform. Subscribe to Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals wherever you find podcasts, or find us at midnightpals.com
[MUSIC FADES OUT.
FADE IN SMALL ROOM AMBIENCE. SOUND OF TYPING.
STOKER: (WHILE TYPING) Dear Walt Whitman, how are you? I am fine. I just wanted to say hi, you know, just dudes being bros. Haha. So. Do you like me? Please check this box for yes.
[FADE]