Those stuck-up snobs at the most privileged literary circle of all, Clarion West, have perpetrated a despicable prank on the Midnight Pals involving a paper bag full of dog poop, a match, and Steve's brand new sneakers. This means WAR!
Those stuck-up snobs at the most privileged literary circle of all, Clarion West, have perpetrated a despicable prank on the Midnight Pals involving a paper bag full of dog poop, a match, and Steve's brand new sneakers. This means WAR!
CAST:
with
Script by Bitter Karella. Production, editing, music and sound design by Robin Johnson. The dialogue editor was Liselle Nic Giollabháin.
A transcript of this episode is available at https://midnight-pals.simplecast.com/episodes/the-tale-of-those-bullies-at-clarion-west/transcript
Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals is a work of social and literary satire. All characters are fictitious, especially the real ones; any elements of work not in the public domain are used for the purpose of parody and comment, and no challenge is intended to the ownership or validity of any intellectual property. The Midnight Pals is the creation of Bitter Karella ©
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ANNOUNCER (Rodrigo Borges): Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals, created by Bitter Karella.
INTRO MUSIC PLAYS: A PIECE IN 3/4 TIME ON MARIMBA AND PIPE ORGAN, SET AROUND A CHURCH BELL CHIMING THE TWELVE STROKES OF MIDNIGHT.
SCENE 1 – EXT. CAMPFIRE
CAMPFIRE AMBIENCE
SOUND OF PAPER BAG BURNING ON THE FIRE
EDGAR ALLAN POE (Rodrigo): I’ve set up the campfire just through the trees here and—
HP LOVECRAFT (Robin Johnson): Wait, do you guys smell something burning?
POE: Of course it’s burning. It’s a campfire.
STEPHEN KING (Jason Robinson): No, look! It’s a fire! Oh no, someone left a flaming paper bag on our campfire! Quick, I’ll put it out before it sets the fire on fire!
CLIVE BARKER (David Ault): Steve, no!
KING: [STOMPING ON BAG] I’ll just use my feet here and… what the… oh no. Oh no. Ugh gross, yuck! Why does this keep happening to us?
LOVECRAFT: I-I’ll tell you, I bet it was those bullies over at Clarion West!
KING: (FURIOUS) I can’t stand those snooty rich kids over at Clarion West. They're always pushing us around! I wish there was some way we could get even with them. Wait a minute... maybe we can. Okay, listen up, we’re all tired of those Clarion West bullies treating us like dirt.
POE: Yeah, but what can we do? They’ve got SO MANY Hugos.
BARKER: Haven’t you guys heard? The Hugos are SO passé.
KING: Really? Is that because of those Sad Puppies guys?
DEAN KOONTZ (Wren Montgomery): Sad puppies? Oh no!
BARKER: No, that was ages ago. This time they wouldn’t consider any work that criticized the Chinese government.
LOVECRAFT: What? Why the low-down, commie-loving—
BARKER: Or any books from Chinese writers.
LOVECRAFT: Oh. Huh. I feel... torn.
KOONTZ: Did the puppies get less sad?
BARKER: No, Dean, I’m afraid they—
KING: —went to live on a farm, RIGHT CLIVE? Anyway, those Clarion West guys don’t only have Hugos. They have Nebulas too.
POE: Oh god, the Nebulas! So many of those.
KING: Yeah, they might have Hugos and Nebulas, but we’ve got something they don’t have—heart!
KOONTZ: Yeah! Like the Care Bears!
KING: No, Dean, not like the Care Bears.
KOONTZ: We're JUST like the Care Bears!
KING: That wasn't what I was going for.
BARKER: So what do you propose, Steve?
KING: Well, if they wanna play pranks on us, I say we give them a little taste of their own medicine. I propose we play pranks on them. And let me tell you, the ol’ Stephen Kingster, he knows a thing of two about prank wars.
POE: Do you, Steve?
KING: So here’s my plan. We’ll sneak over to the Clarion West academy after dark and put up a big banner that says “2 bad neighbors.” Ha ha ha! Hoo, boy, will their faces be red when they see that! Oh, I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes.
BARKER: Yo, Steve, how about you let me be in charge of this operation.
KING: I don’t know, Clive, do you know anything about prank wars?
BARKER: haha oh Steve. Please. I know enough that we need to hit those Clarion West preppies right where it hurts the most.
LOVECRAFT: We’re gonna steal their Hugos?
BARKER: No. Well, maybe. But besides that.
LOVECRAFT: Their Nebulas?
BARKER: We’ll see. But here’s my idea. As we all know, one of Clarion West’s precious annual traditions is coming up—the annual debutante cotillion-–and, of course, the beloved Clarion West mascot Greg Bear will be there. Gentlemen, I propose we kidnap Greg Bear.
POE: Kidnap Greg Bear!??
KOONTZ: But Greg Bear is a friend to all children!
BARKER: Be that as it may, do you guys want to get even with Clarion West or not?
KOONTZ: Yeah…
LOVECRAFT: Yes.
KING: Uh huh.
POE: Hm.
BARKER: Okay now. First, I want you all to remember that Greg Bear is not an actual bear.
FRANK BELKNAP LONG (David Court): [EMERGING FROM BUSHES] (MUFFLED) I think it would be interesting if he was.
BARKER: Oh, Frank Belknap Long! What a surprise you would say that. Yeah, we all know what you think, Frank.
LONG: I mean it would be funny if he was a real bear.
BARKER: Hey, Frank, did you hear someone on the Internet said Lola Bunny 2021 was better than Lola Bunny 1996?
LONG: WHAT?! Not on my watch! NOT! ON! MY! WATCH!
BARKER: Yeah, it was someone right over there, beyond the bushes. Just go ahead, right over there. If you can’t find them, just keep looking.
LONG: Awoooooo!! [LONG BOUNDS OFF]
BARKER: That takes care of him. Listen, guys, if we’re gonna take down those Clarion West snobs, we gotta work like a well-oiled machine. Everyone in sync. You got it?
KING: Got it!
LOVECRAFT: Absolutely!
KOONTZ: Yeah! I’m in!
BARKER: Edgar? Don’t leave us hanging, man.
POE: (SIGH) Okay. Let’s do it.
BARKER: Alright! C’mon, everyone put your hands together. On three, right? One, two, three.
KING/POE/BARKER/KOONTZ/LOVECRAFT: Goooooo Midnight Society!
MARY SHELLEY (Rebecca D'Souza): [ARRIVING] Sup, fuckers?
KING: Mary, you’re just in time! We’re going to kidnap Greg Bear.
SHELLEY: Hell yeah, let’s do it.
KING: Uh. Right. Don’t you want to know why we’re kidnapping Greg Bear?
SHELLEY: I really don’t care, Steve. What the hell is all over your shoes?
KING: Oh, see, that’s actually what this is all about. See, those bullies from Clarion West—
SHELLEY: Go fucking wipe that shit off on the grass or something. We’re in a fucking forest, Steve, it’s not hard to do.
KING: Yeah, yeah. Okay [SHUFFLING]
BARKER: So here’s the plan of attack. Steve, Edgar, you’re Team A. Howard, you and August Derleth are Team Dorkwad.
LOVECRAFT: What? August Derleth’s here?
KING: Yeah, he’s been following four paces behind you this whole time.
AUGUST DERLETH (Joel Butler): Hi, Howard!!
LOVECRAFT: August! I thought you were back at the Weird Tales office editing “The Tale of the Space Cockroach Disguised as an Arab”!
DERLETH: I don’t need to edit that story, Howard, it’s perfect! And did you hear that? We're on the same team! Look at us, just a real pair of buddies! We are buddies, aren’t we, Howard?
LOVECRAFT: C-Clive, can we switch teams?
BARKER: No, it’s funnier this way. Now, Team Dorkwad, you’re back-up.
LOVECRAFT: Okay…
POE: Clive, can we talk about these team names?
BARKER: Well-oiled machine, Edgar. Remember what I said. A well-oiled machine. Oh, and Mary, you’re clean-up.
SHELLEY: Fuck yeah.
BARKER: So if anything goes wrong, you know what to do.
SHELLEY: Yeah, I’m gonna fuck shit uppp.
KOONTZ: What about me?
BARKER: Ohh, Dean… uh, yeah, I saved the most important part for you.
KOONTZ: What is it?
BARKER: Uhhh…
POE: You get to watch the campsite till we get back.
KOONTZ: Oh! Yeah! I can do that!
BARKER: Okay. Nice save, Edgar.
POE: Thank you.
BARKER: Now, here’s what we’re gonna do…
FADE OUT
SCENE 2 – EXT. CLARION WEST
BARKER: [BANGING ON DOOR] Open up! Open up!
DOOR OPENS. VIVALDI’S “FOUR SEASONS” IS FAINTLY HEARD PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND
MICHAEL SWANWICK (Robin Johnson): (SNOOTY ENGLISH BUTLER VOICE) May I help you, sir?
BARKER: Well, if it isn’t Michael Swanwick!
SWANWICK: Do I know you, sir?
BARKER: Hey, it’s me, Clive Barker.
SWANWICK: I’m sure you are, sir.
BARKER: I’m here for Clarion West.
SWANWICK: I’m sorry, sir, this is a private club.
BARKER: Yeah, I won’t be a bother, I just wanna go in and look around a bit. You know, see some of those Hugos I’ve been hearing so much about.
SWANWICK: I’m sorry, sir, do you have a membership?
BARKER: uhhh yeah, suure, I got a membership.
SWANWICK: I highly doubt that, sir. Does sir have his $5000 entry fee?
BARKER: Uhhhh…
SWANWICK: Very well, sir.
BARKER: I’ll be back.
SWANWICK: [POLITELY YET FIRMLY CLOSING DOOR] Very good, sir.
BARKER: (YELLING AT CLOSED DOOR) Oh wait, what's this in my pocket? I got your $5000 entry fee right here!! There! Look! I’m flipping you off if you haven’t noticed.
SWANWICK: [THROUGH CLOSED DOOR] Very good, sir.
BARKER: Yeah, that's right! (PAUSE) Whatever! Those Hugos are probably all just fan Hugos anyway.
POE: Well, that was a bust.
BARKER: No way, Edgar, that was all just a distraction, so no one would notice the real infiltration. Now we just wait for the signal.
LOVECRAFT: (OFF) T-wit t-woo! T-wit t-woo! I'm an owl!
BARKER: That's it! Alpha team is go!
POE: Wait, who’s Alpha team?
BARKER: Just wait! As we speak, Mary and Steve should be infiltrating Greg Bear’s room!
POE: Wait, Mary and Steve are a team now?
BARKER: Try to keep up, Edgar.
SCENE 3 – INT. GREG BEAR’S ROOM
GREG BEAR (Dexter Howard): (PRACTICING SPEECH) As you go out into the world after tonight, remember you are no longer just Clarions. You are carry ons, carrying on the Clarion tradition. Hmm, I dunno, seems kinda forced. [KNOCK ON DOOR] Yes?
KING: [THROUGH CLOSED DOOR] (FALSETTO) Housekeepingggggg!
BEAR: Housekeeping? But I didn’t call for any housekeeping. [OPENS DOOR]
SHELLEY: Sup, fucker!
BEAR: Hi, I’m Greg Bear.
KING: Hey, Greg, you need to come with us.
BEAR: Where are we going?
KING: Uhhh, it’s a surprise?
BEAR: I like surprises.
SHELLEY: Oh you’re really gonna love this, Greg.
BEAR: Who are you all?
KING: We're, uh…
SHELLEY: We’re the guys who're gonna kick your ass if you don't shut up and move.
BEAR: Surprises are fun. I’m Greg Bear.
SHELLEY: Time to put this bear into hibernation.
BEAR: I’m not a real bear. I’m Greg Bear.
SHELLEY: Yeah, I know. I…
BEAR: I’m Greg Bear.
SHELLEY: What?
BEAR: I’m Greg Bear.
SHELLEY: This fucker’s in my head, man!
BEAR: I’m Greg Bear.
KING: It’s okay, Mary! Just concentrate and let’s get him out of here.
BEAR: I’m not supposed to leave my room alone. I’ll get in trouble. I’m Greg Bear.
KING: Well, you won’t be alone, you’ll be with us.
BEAR: I’m Greg Bear.
KING: Jeez, Mary, Greg Bear’s a tougher nut to crack than I thought! I don’t know if we’re gonna be able to convince him to come with us. He’s wily!
SHELLEY: That is not the word I would use here, Steve.
BEAR: I’m Greg Bear.
SHELLEY: What are these on your shelf here, Greg Bear? Nebulas?
BEAR: Yes.
SHELLEY: Be a real shame if something happened to them… [KNOCKING NEBULAS OFF SHELF] Oops.
BEAR: Nooo, my Nebulas! I need those to put on my shelf!
SHELLEY: Alright Greg Bear, now if you don’t want any more awards broken, you best come with us!
BEAR: Okey dokey!
KING: You know, I really thought he was gonna be a real bear.
SHELLEY: Yeah, I kinda thought that too actually.
SCENE 4 – INT. CLARION WEST DRAWING ROOM
VIVALDI PLAYS
ROGER ZELAZNY (Brad Barnes): Well, Robert Silverberg, we certainly gave those Midnight Society commoners a good pranking.
ROBERT SILVERBERG (Joel): Indeed, my good Roger Zelazny! What, pray tell, prank did you play on them?
ZELAZNY: Oh it was quite droll, quite droll. You see, I simply had my manservant obtain one of those... how do you say it? Those contraptions that commoners use to carry things?
SILVERBERG: Oh, a palanquin.
ZELAZNY: No no no, something that commoners use.
SILVERBERG: Commoners don’t use palanquins?
ZELAZNY: No actually, my papa told me it’s quite unusual for a commoner to have a palanquin. This contraption I’m thinking of, it’s quite a bit smaller. Made of a strange substance, not silk or velvet or even ermine. It’s actually made of very thin wood.
SILVERBERG: Very thin wood? The devil you say!
ZELAZNY: Yes yes, see, you make it so thin you can fold it.
SILVERBERG: Oh! Paper?
ZELAZNY: Yes yes, that’s it! Paper! It’s a paper contraption.
SILVERBERG: Oh yes, I’ve seen my manservants using those to transport non-valuable things. I believe they’re called Bah-ags.
ZELAZNY: A Bah-ag? Huh! How droll! So, yes, I was able to obtain one of these paper bah-ags and I had my manservant fill it with leavings from the stable.
SILVERBERG: Oh ho ho! Roger, you devil!
ZELAZNY: Indeed! Then I had my manservant leave it at the Midnight Society campfire and set it aflame… so when those common fools arrived, they were obliged to step upon it to extinguish the blaze!
SILVERBERG: But my dear Roger! How did you know they wouldn’t simply command their own manservants to do that in their stead?
ZELAZNY: Because, my dear Robert, I have it on good authority that they simply… do not HAVE manservants!
SILVERBERG: What? How frightfully odd! If they don’t have manservants, then whom will powder them in the morning before dressing them in their Little Lord Fauntleroy suits?
ZELAZNY: You shan’t believe this, Robert, but the lot of them don’t own a single Little Lord Fauntleroy suit between them!
SILVERBERG: But surely they must at least incorporate Little Lord Fauntleroy elements into their ensemble, like, perhaps, a fancy blouse or a floppy bow?
SWANWICK: [RUSHING INTO ROOM] Young sirs!! Young sirs!!! Mr Greg Bear has disappeared from his room!
ZELAZNY: What!? The devil you say! Who could be responsible for such a thing?
SILVERBERG: I fear I know, Roger! It must be… that accursed MIDNIGHT SOCIETY!
ZELAZNY: [SCREAMING TO THE HEAVENS] MIDNIGHT SOCIETY!!!
SCENE 5 – INT. STEVE’S HOUSE
A FEW MISERY-ESQUE PIANO NOTES PLAY IN THE SCENE
BARKER: Alright, Greg Bear, you better get comfortable! You’re gonna be here for a long time!
BEAR: I’m Greg Bear.
KING: He isn’t really gonna be here a long time, is he? Tabitha doesn’t like me keeping kidnap victims in the house. Too “Misery”, if you know what I mean.
BARKER: No, no, of course. Just till those Clarion West nerds pay the ransom.
KING: Oh, a ransom? What are we asking for?
BARKER: Well, first, I think they can BEAR to part with some of those Nebulas.
KING: Oh! Bear! Good one, Clive.
BARKER: I think a Nebula for each of us would be fair. And a Hugo too.
KING: I thought you said they were passé.
BARKER: You gotta think longer term, Steve! Give it a few years and they’ll be amusingly retro.
KING: Let’s get some Locus awards too.
BARKER: Oh yeah yeah totally! Dean, we’re gonna make a really important phone call now so we need you to watch Greg Bear until we get back. Can you do that?
KOONTZ: You can count on me!
BARKER: Good boy, Dean. [KING AND BARKER EXIT]
BEAR: Hello, I’m Greg Bear.
KOONTZ: Hi, Greg Bear, I’m Dean Koontz.
BEAR: Hi, Dean Koontz. I’m Greg Bear. What do you do? I write sci-fi!
KOONTZ: Gosh, you write sci-fi? That sounds neat!
BEAR: I love space.
KOONTZ: Space sounds cool!
BEAR: Lasers! Pew pew!
KOONTZ: I wrote a sci-fi once.
BEAR: Whoa!
KOONTZ: It was about a super smart dog.
BEAR: WHOA! That sounds SO cool. I wrote a horror story once.
KOONTZ: Really?
BEAR: It was about a hurricane made of ghosts from Hiroshima.
KOONTZ: WHOAAAAA!
MISERY-ESQUE CRAZY STRINGS MUSIC. FADE.
SCENE 6 – INT. CLARION WEST/STEVE’S BASEMENT
OLD-TIMEY TELEPHONE RINGS
SWANWICK: (ANSWERING PHONE) Clarion West? ... Telephone for you, sir.
SILVERBERG: Hello?
BARKER: [OVER PHONE] (DISGUISING VOICE) Hello, Robert. By now you've no doubt realized that Greg Bear is missing—
SILVERBERG: You son of a bitch! I know that’s you, Clive! You and your damn Midnight Society!!!
BARKER: Haha! Yeah.
SILVERBERG: You listen to me, you son of a bitch! You harm one hair on Greg Bear’s head, and I will make you WISH you were never born!
SHARP CUT TO STEVE’S HOUSE. SILVERBERG NOW HAS THE TELEPHONE VOICE FILTER
BARKER: Haha, oo, I’m shaking!
SILVERBERG: DON’T YOU LAUGH! I WILL MURDER YOU!
BARKER: Ha ha! Go cry into that $5000 entry fee I gave you! OH WAIT, YOU CAN’T!! CUZ I DIDN’T!!!
SILVERBERG: Dohhhhhh!!! WHY YOU...
BARKER: hahaha
POE: Clive, stop teasing them. Just give them our demands.
BARKER: Yeah, not yet.
SILVERBERG: I WILL HAVE MY MANSERVANT RIP OUT YOUR EYEBALLS AND SMASH YOUR BRAIN!
BARKER: Okay, here’s our demands. We want a Hugo AND a Nebula AND a Locus award, for each of us. And when I say Hugo, I don’t mean, like, a fan Hugo. We want REAL ones.
POE: While you’ve got them on the phone, see if we can get some Robert Heinlein awards too.
BARKER: Did you guys hear that? We want some Heinleins too.
SILVERBERG: [through phone] OOooo!!! Why you—
LOVECRAFT: And I’d kinda like a Clarke award. Oo, and a Howard! But one of the ones that looks like me, not the ones that look like a tree.
BARKER: And a Clarke Award and a Howard too. (TO THE GROUP) Anything else? Steve? Mary?
KING: How about an L Ron Hubbard Writers of the Future award?
BARKER: You got it. Mary?
SHELLEY: What’s left?
BARKER: Uhhh. There’s the Lambda?
SHELLEY: Sounds good, get me that.
LONG: [ARRIVING] (MUFFLED) Ooo! Ooo!
BARKER: Oh, it’s Frank Belknap Long again! You ever find that Lola Bunny hater?
LONG: No, but could you get me an Ursa Major?
BARKER: Um. Sure, why not? (INTO PHONE) Okay you got all that?
SILVERBERG: Fine! Just bring Greg Bear back and we’ll make the exchange.
BARKER: You got yourself a deal. [HANGS UP PHONE]
SCENE 7 – INT. CLARION WEST
SILVERBERG: MIDNIGHT SOCIETY!!! We’ll show them! Clarion West still has one last trick up our frilly silk sleeves. Swanwick! (YELLING) Swanwick, you worthless lump, where are you?
SWANWICK: You shouted abusively, sir?
SILVERBERG: Yes! We need to get those Midnight Society nerds back! So we intend to let loose the most dangerous Clarion West instructor of all. Release… Harlan Ellison!
SWANWICK: Are you... sure, sir?
SILVERBERG: (MAD WITH POWER) DO IT!!
SWANWICK: Very good, sir.
CHAINS CLANK. CREAKY GATES OPEN. MONSTER FOOTSTEPS. FURNITURE SMASHING
ELLISON: HARLAN SMASH!!!
SILVERBERG: No, Harlan! No smashy here-y! We need you to go visit the Midnight Society.
ELLISON: Midnight… Society?
SILVERBERG: Here; Stephen King ripped his coat escaping. Smell that scrap of fabric. Memorize the scent.
ZELANZKY: Is this wise?
SILVERBERG: It’s necessary. Harlan Ellison can’t be bargained with. He can’t be reasoned with. He doesn’t feel pity or remorse or fear. And he will not stop EVER until you are dead. Isn’t that right, Harlan?
ELLISON: HARLAN SMASH!
SILVERBERG: Now go, Harlan! Run into the night and destroy the Midnight Society! Ha ha ha ha!
ELLISON: [SMASHING HIS WAY OUT OF THE ROOM] HARLAN SMASH!
SCENE 8 – INT. STEVE’S BASEMENT
BARKER: Okay, we’re ready for... wait a minute. Dean. Where is Greg Bear?
KOONTZ: I let him go.
BARKER: You let him—
KOONTZ: He seemed nice. I didn’t wanna be mean.
BARKER: YOU DIDN’T WANNA…!
POE: Clive, deep breaths. It’s Dean. Remember, it’s Dean.
KOONTZ: He wrote “Dinosaur Summer”.
BARKER: I DON’T CARE IF HE WROTE “POUNDED IN THE BUTT BY DINOSAUR SUMMER”, HE—
KOONTZ: (STARTS CRYING)
BARKER: Dean. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. It’s just been a really stressful day. Dean, don’t cry. Dean.
KOONTZ: (CRYING) I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to mess up!
BARKER: It’s fine, it’s fine. Ugh, there go all our awards!
LOVECRAFT: I guess we’ll just have to be happy with our Stokers.
SHELLEY: Ugh!! Lousy Stokers! Not even worth the paper they’re printed on! They just give ’em to anyone. I mean, JK fuckin’ Rowling’s got one.
KING: You guys, we can’t just sit around here! Greg Bear is out there, lost! He might be in trouble! We need to find him before anything happens!
KOONTZ: Wait! Um, before we do that… could we do the “Gooo Midnight Society” thing again? I liked that.
POE: Yeah, that WAS fun.
KING: Okay. On three. One, two, three…
KOONTZ/POE/KING/LOVECRAFT/BARKER: GOOOOO MIDNIGHT SOCIETY!
SHELLEY: Fuckin’ nerds.
SCENE 9 – EXT. WOODS
[FOREST AMBIENCE, SOUNDS OF GRAVEL CRUNCHING]
POE: (CALLING) Greg! Greg Bear! Are you out there? You having any luck, Howard?
LOVECRAFT: (OFF) Nothing!
POE: Clive?
BARKER: (OFF) I ain’t seen shit!
POE: Dean?
KOONTZ: (OFF) It’s dark out here!
POE: Where could he be? These woods can’t be that big.
KING: I still can’t believe Dean just let Greg Bear go. This is a disaster! He can’t survive out there! He’s Greg Bear!
POE: That’s true, he IS Greg Bear. I wouldn’t worry. He’ll find his way home. He’s Greg Bear.
KING: I dunno, I keep thinking about him out there. All alone. Scared. Hungry.
POE: No, no, he'll be fine. There's plenty of food out there, you know, nuts and berries. Twigs? He'll be fine.
SHELLEY: [APPROACHING] Sup fuckers.
POE: Mary! Did you find anything?
SHELLEY: Yeah, check this out. You see how the undergrowth is all beaten down here? That indicates to me that a large animal has recently passed through here, maybe even bedded down for the night.
POE: A large animal like Greg Bear?
SHELLEY: He’s not a real bear. We’ve established this.
POE: Yes, yes, I know. But you’re saying he can’t be far?
SHELLEY: I don’t know. Look at the way this grass is bent, how these twigs are snapped. Violently, aggressively. Like someone just filled with indescribable incandescent rage.
KING: That doesn’t sound like Greg Bear at all.
SHELLEY: No. And that’s what I’m afraid of. I don’t think we’re alone in these woods. Can’t you sense it? Something out there, watching, waiting. It’s stalking us. It’s the hunter and we’re the prey.
KING: Come on, Mary, don’t you think you’re being a little dramatic? Sure, these are scary woods, there might be some animals out there. It’s not like there’s anything really dangerous out there. It’s not like Harlan Ellison or anything.
PAUSE
POE: Wait. Mary. You don’t think it’s Harlan Ellison, do you?
SHELLEY: (SOMBERLY) That’s not all I found. [PUSHES BUSHES ASIDE]
KING: Oh, God!
BARKER: Ew!
POE: Is that...
SHELLEY: August Derleth. He’s still warm.
POE: Jesus, what could’ve DONE this to him?
BARKER: There’s only one thing that could do this to a man.
DERLETH: (WEAK MOAN)
KING: I don’t think he’s dead... yet.
DERLETH: (WEAKLY) —want—Howard—
BARKER: (CALLING) Howard! Get over here.
LOVECRAFT: [ARRIVING] What is it? ...oh.
KING: We think Harlan Ellison got him.
DERLETH: (DYING) Howard... you and me... we’re best pals... aren’t we?
LOVECRAFT: Uh...
POE: Howard...
LOVECRAFT: Uh, sure, August. We’re b-best buddies. (UNCONVINCINGLY) Boy, I’m sure sad you’re dying.
DERLETH: Howard... you were... no more racist... than the average man of your time. (DIES)
KING: Guys. We gotta move. If Clarion West have released Harlan Ellison—
SHELLEY: I wouldn’t put anything past those Clarion West fuckers.
POE: Okay. Okay, okay. Don’t panic.
KING: (PANICKING) I’m not panicking!
POE: Let’s just all gather up and then very slowly and calmly, we’re going to just walk right out of this forest.
KOONTZ: [APPROACHING] Hey guys, what’s going on?
POE: Dean, I don’t want to alarm you, but there may be a Harlan Ellison or Harlan Ellisons in the area.
KOONTZ: AAAA!
SHELLEY: Now you’ve done it.
ELLISON: [JUMPING FROM BUSHES] HARLAN KILL!! HARLAN DESTROY!
KING: Oh my God! It’s him! It’s Harlan Ellison!
POE: Don’t make any sudden moves! He can sense fear.
KING: Mary! Mary, do something!
SHELLEY: The fuck do you want me to do?
KING: I don’t know! Use your knife! Do something!
SHELLEY: That’s a fuckin’ apex predator, Steve. What exactly do you think a knife’s gonna do other than make him angry?
POE: Run! Run, everyone, run!
KING:/SHELLEY:/POE:/KOONTZ:/BARKER/LOVECRAFT: (SCREAMING)
ALL RUN, SCREAMING. HARLAN ELLISON CHASES, SNARLING. DEAN KOONTZ TRIPS
KOONTZ: Whoa! Oof!
POE: Dean, no!
BARKER: What’s going on?!
POE: Dean tripped! Oh no! He’s a goner!
LOVECRAFT: Aaa! Harlan Ellison’s eating Dean!!
SLAVERING NOISES
KOONTZ: (SCREAMS)
BARKER: Oh God, I can’t bear to watch!
KING: Oh, good one! Can’t BEAR—
POE: STEVE!
KING: Oh. Sorry.
BARKER: I like splatterpunk, but not like this! Not like this!
ELLISON: HARLAN KILL! HARLAN- (HEARS SOMETHING, STOPS SUDDENLY)
BEAR: (OFF) [IN DISTANCE] I’m Greg Bear!
ELLISON: Greg… Bear?
BEAR: (OFF) That’s me! I’m Greg Bear!
POE: My God! They’re communicating! Greg Bear must be calming him down somehow. I think he’s telling him not to eat Dean! Perhaps out of gratitude for Dean freeing him in the first place!
KING: That’s extraordinary! I guess it’s true what they say, they really are just like people!
KOONTZ: [LAUGHING] Guys, it’s okay! He’s not eating me! He’s just licking me! Ha ha, that tickles!
SHELLEY: Would you look at that. It looks like Harlan Ellison wasn’t after us at all. That’s his den right back there! This whole time, he was just trying to protect his Star Trek scripts from executive meddling!
BARKER: See, that’s why I direct my own movies.
KING: Let’s leave them here, guys. I don’t think we have any business taking these beautiful creatures out of their natural environment. C’mon, Dean, let’s go. Say goodbye to your friend.
KOONTZ: Bye, Mister Ellison! Goodbye!
ELLISON: Harlan... friend??
KOONTZ: Bye, Greg Bear!
BEAR: I’m Greg Bear.
BARKER: Well, I guess Clarion West got the last laugh after all then.
KING: I don’t know if I’d say that, Clive. Sure, they might still be rich, they might still have all the awards, they might still have Greg Bear. But maybe just maybe, we have something they don’t have.
BARKER: And what’s that?
KING: Well, I’ll tell you, we have—wait. Do you smell that?
BARKER: What?
KING: Something’s burning! Look ahead! In the clearing! Someone’s set a paper bag on fire! We need to stop it before it spreads! Don’t worry, I’ll just stomp out the flames!
POE/BARKER/LOVECRAFT/SHELLEY/KOONTZ: Steve, no!
FADE.
END MUSIC AND CREDITS.
POST-CREDIT SCENE
BEAR: I’m Greg Bear. Greg Bear. I am. Greg Bear, I am. Greg Bear. That’s me! I am Greg Bear.
ELLISON: HARLAN SMASH!
BEAR: Oh you made me lose my train of thought!
FADE.
END.