Roger Corman attempts to make a "Candyman" movie series. Can he complete his classic slasher quadrilogy without being thwarted by the bee-adjacent serial killer? Oh, and ONE OF OUR HEROES DIES TRAGICALLY!!!
Roger Corman attempts to make a series of "Candyman" movies. Can he complete his totally popular, not-at-all-obscure-cult-classic slasher quadrilogy without being thwarted by the bee-adjacent serial killer himself? Oh, and... ONE OF OUR HEROES DIES TRAGICALLY!!!—but gets better, with a brand new face and voice actor.
Content notes: swearing, sexual references, loud noises, death and murder.
This episode is dedicated to the memory of Roger Corman (1926–2024), a true pioneer of horror cinema. We've mocked Roger on this show, but the truth is—as with many creators satirized on Midnight Pals—that all the things we mock him for are the very same things that make him awesome. Only Roger could have looked at Edgar Allan Poe's "The Pit and the Pendulum" and seen that what it really needed was Vincent Price prancing around a Halloween castle and Barbara Steele in an oubliette. And it worked. Rest in peace, Roger, and thanks for all the fun.
CAST:
Introducing
also starring
with
This episode was written by Brad Barnes. Script editing, audio production and music were by Robin Johnson.
A transcript of this episode can be found at https://midnight-pals.simplecast.com/episodes/the-tale-of-the-candyman/transcript
The Midnight Pals is the creation of Bitter Karella ©
Subscribe to Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Pocket Cast, YouTube or wherever you find podcasts. If you enjoy the show, please consider leaving us a rating or review. For more information, see https://midnightpals.com
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS—A SPOOKY PIECE ON PIPE ORGAN IN 3/4 TIME, BASED AROUND THE CHIMES OF A CHURCH BELL]
VOICEOVER (Rodrigo Borges): Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals, created by Bitter Karella.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS OUT.
FADE IN FOREST AMBIENCE—WIND IN TREES, CRICKETS. A CAMPFIRE IS BURNING NEARBY.
FAINT SOUND OF BREAKING GLASS]
DEAN KOONTZ (Wren Montgomery): Oh no!
[CLIVE BARKER'S LEITMOTIF, BASED ON A FEW BARS OF THE THEME FROM "NIGHTBREED", PLAYS SLOWLY AND DARKLY ON LOW INSTRUMENTS LED BY (SYNTHETIC) BASSOON]
KOONTZ: I didn’t mean to knock over Clive’s bee jar...
KING: It wasn’t your fault, Deaner. No one told him to bring bees for ambience.
EDGAR ALLAN POE (Rodrigo): Clive must have known they would want revenge for being put in a jar.
HP LOVECRAFT (Robin Johnson): Uh, is he...?
MARY SHELLEY (Rebecca D’Souza): Yeah. Dead. [RESPECTFUL KICK] Poor fucker.
KOONTZ: It’s all my fault! I—
KOONTZ: ...w-why is Clive glowing?
KING: Oh, I’ve heard of this. You see, Dean, the British have a way of cheating death. It’s called regeneration.
SHELLEY: If you’re a fuckin’ nerd.
POE: Man, we really need to get nationalized healthcare over here.
[MUSIC BUILDS TO A CLIMAX]
CLIVE BARKER (David Ault): (AS THE MUSIC AND WHOOSHING STOP) O-o-o-a-a-ahh! (SMACKING LIPS) Lips! (LAUGHS) I have new lips. (WITH FINGERS IN MOUTH) That’s good, I don’t want to be all Chatterer... mmm....
LOVECRAFT: Clive, you—
BARKER: (MORE LIP SMACKING)
LOVECRAFT: —you look different.
POE: And kind of the same.
LOVECRAFT: Actually, this explains a lot.
KING: Like why he never looks the same in two different photos.
BARKER: Right right, all part of the process. And... (SIGH) damn it, STILL not ginger... [SOUND OF BELT BEING BUCKLED] carpet or drapes. So... mmm... mmmnmhmhmmh... Now, let’s see. I remember you lot: New England Normie, Dog Boy, Grim Raven Man, Redpill McSquidface, and Stabby...
POE: I’m beginning to doubt the process.
SHELLEY: I dunno. Seems like he’s got you fuckers’ numbers.
KING: Dean, cover your ears.
BARKER: Just my search notifications... wait. “Roger Corman purchases movie rights for collected works of Clive Barker”? Which one of you sold my IP?
POE: None of us would do that.
[PAUSE. SOMEBODY TAPS A TABLET SCREEN]
LOVECRAFT: ...What?
BARKER: Seriously, Howard?
LOVECRAFT: You were dead. I don’t wanna wait 95 years to see “In the Hills, the Cities”.
BARKER: What did Corman promise you? A set of Hollow Earth books?
LOVECRAFT: Richard Stanley’s gonna direct my story with the scary color from space. Just as soon as I can think of a good title.
BARKER: Jesus, Howard. I die for like five seconds and this? [FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING]
KING: Clive, where are you going?
CLIVE: (IN DISTANCE) I’ll see you guys later.
KING: Clive!
CLIVE: (TERMINATOR IMPRESSION) I’ll be back.
POE: (EXASPERATED) Ugh, Clive!
BARKER: I have to face my fear. [FOOTSTEPS FADE]
SHELLEY: Oh, that reminds me. Can someone check in the pond and see if Percy’s done regenerating yet?
[FADE.
FADE IN AMBIENCE OF A HOUSE WITH A PARTY GOING ON. DANCE MUSIC FROM THE NEXT ROOM, OCCASIONAL ELECTRICAL CRACKLES AND GRUNTS OF MASOCHISTIC PLEASURE.
DOOR OPENS, SOMEONE ENTERS.]
GRAHAM MASTERTON (David Court): (IMPRESSION OF “DANNY THE DEALER” FROM WITHNAIL AND I, OR THE ROADIE FROM WAYNE’S WORLD 2) (DRAWING BREATH, SMOKING SOMETHING, VERY STONED) Clive? Is that you?
BARKER: It’s my house, isn’t it? New face, Masterton, keep up.
MASTERTON: Whoah. (INHALES) This is some good shit.
[ELECTRIC CRACKLE AND “AAAH!” FROM NEXT ROOM]
BARKER: See you guys started the electrostim rave without me.
[CRACKLE. “OH YEAH!”]
MASTERTON: It’s Tuesday.
BARKER: That it is. (BEAT) Have you seen those keys to the extra bathroom I told you never to use?
MASTERTON: In the freezer. Aren’t you going to stay?
[FREEZER OPENS. RUMMAGING]
BARKER: Graham... [FREEZER CLOSES] you know there’s nothing I love more than a party with music, drugs, and an app that shocks people’s bits. [KEYS TURN, A METAL HATCH OPENS. VOICE CONTINUES ECHOEY] But I... [TURNING A DIAL] have a movie to stop.
[HATCH CLOSES AND SEALS.
TARDIS NOISES. “DOCTOR WHO” STYLE VERSION OF THE MIDNIGHT PALS THEME PLAYS. SCENE FADES, THEN MUSIC PLAYS OUT.
FADE TO INTERIOR OF A HOLLYWOOD STUDIO. OLD-FASHIONED CLICKY FILM CAMERA RUNNING SOMEWHERE. CORMAN-ESQUE LEITMOTIF PLAYS]
ROGER CORMAN (Bitter Karella): All right, DeCoteau baby, show me what ya got for the Candyman costume.
DECOTEAU: Right, boss. [METALLIC CLANK] Hook, [CLINK OF GLASS JAR, MUFFLED BUZZING] bees, [TWANG] pair of tighty-whities.
CORMAN: You’re a genius at work. Get going.
DECOTEAU: You got it, Roger!
CORMAN: Clive! Baby!
BARKER: Roger Corman.
CORMAN: Dat’s right it’s me, Roger Corman, star of da podcast! Love what ya done with da face, baby! And heeey, nice ride! Is dat a TARDIS?
BARKER: Oh, yeah. They give you one for emergencies when you’re British. [CAR KEYS CLICK, BEEP-BEEP. HATCH CLOSES AND LOCKS.]
CORMAN: Man, you guys got some good public services.
DECOTEAU: That’s relative.
BARKER: Eeh, it’s not been the same since Thatcher brought in the Right-to-Buy. Now half these police boxes are airbnb’s... ohoo, that is not a police box.
CORMAN: Yeah, da Chameleon circuit probably thought you’d like a change. Same shade of blue. Honestly, I’ve never seen one of those dat big before.
DECOTEAU: At least it’s got a flared base.
BARKER: Safety first!
CORMAN: Keep it out of da shots, will ya? Or we’ll never get dat ‘R’ rating.
BARKER: Right. Anyway. As Mark Twain said to me yesterday, “the reports of my death blah blah blah blah blah, look at me I’m so witty I’ve got a white suit.” You need to give me my stories back.
CORMAN: No can do, kiddo, we’re in production!
BARKER: Of what? Oh hang on... a hook and a jar of bees? Fuck me, you’re filming “The Forbidden”.
CORMAN: What? No, Clive, baby! No!
BARKER: Oh, good.
CORMAN: For one thing, we’re calling it “Candyman”.
[FAST, CONFUSED HORROR MUSIC STARTS UP]
BARKER: “Candyman”? [MUSIC GETS A LITTLE LOUDER]
DECOTEAU: I had to talk him down from “Edgar Allan Poe’s ‘Candyman’”. [MUSIC GETS LOUDER AND NOW INVOLVES PIPE ORGAN]
CORMAN: And for another thing, we’re filming FOUR Candyman movies! [MUSIC UP ANOTHER NOTCH]
BARKER: What.
[MUSIC WINDS DOWN ANTICLIMACTICALLY]
CORMAN: Here, why don’t you step inta dis mirror-walled elevator and I’ll show you where da magic happens?
[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS]
BARKER: Mirror-walled? Twist my arm.
[ELEVATOR DOORS SLIDE OPEN, FOOTSTEPS WALK IN. DOORS CLOSE, SHUTTING OUT THE FILM STUDIO AMBIENCE. ELEVATOR MACHINERY STARTS. MUZAK PLAYS: A TOOTHLESS, MAJOR-KEYED VERSION OF THE MIDNIGHT PALS THEME. STRONG METALLIC ECHO]
CORMAN: See, we rented out dis whole empty apartment complex, dat’s all you really need to shoot da stories, you know. And we’re shootin’ one movie on each floor. See, I labeled da elevator buttons here for each o’ da projects. [QUIET BINGS AS ELEVATOR PASSES EACH FLOOR] First floor, “Candyman”. Second floor, “Candyman 2: Off the Hook”...
[AGAIN, HORROR MUSIC STARTS WITH THE FIRST “CANDYMAN” AND GOES UP A NOTCH WITH EACH REPETITION. IT’S NOW AT NOTCH 2]
BARKER: Uh, Roger...
CORMAN: [BING] ...“Candyman 3: Out on Good Beehive-ior”... [BING]
DECOTEAU: Roger...
CORMAN: “Candyman 4:...”
BARKER: Uhh, Roger—
CORMAN: “...Shrink, I Honeyed the Kid”—
BARKER: (SIGH OF RELIEF)
2ND UNIT DIRECTOR: “Candyman 4”, Scene 1. Action!
[HORROR MUSIC SPRINGS RIGHT BACK UP AT NOTCH 5, FULL-ON CRAZY CREEPY PIPE-ORGAN. SOUND OF AN URBAN MYTH SERIAL KILLER MATERIALIZING, AND A CLINK OF CHAINS]
2ND UNIT DIRECTOR: Uh... who are you and what are you doing on my set—AAAARGH!!
CANDYMAN (Dashawn Ricks): (MURDER-MONSTER VOICE EFFECT) Sweets to the sweet.
CORMAN: Ah, nuts. (CALLING) TINA! Call da community college drama club, we need ten more extras up here. Wait... [REGENERATION NOISE AND MUSIC ON OTHER SIDE OF ROOM] make dat nine. Dat one musta been British.
[FADE. PAUSE.
CORMAN: So ya see, we gots da guy that did da music video for Frankie Goes to Hollywood’s “Relax” directing da first picture.
BARKER: That doesn’t inspire confidence.
CORMAN: But then, we got Nia DaCosta and Jordan Peele workin’ on movie four!
BARKER: I don’t care—what, seriously?
CORMAN: Yeah baby! We’re goin’ all out for dis one! These are going to be the kind of financially successful, not-at-all-obscure-cult-classics everyone wants ta see!
BARKER: Who’s playing the Candyman?
CORMAN: That’s the best part. He cost a boatload... but we got him!
BARKER: Who?
CORMAN: Eddie freakin’ Murphy, baby!
BARKER: (EXCITED) Eddie Murphy? Am I allowed to go “Say WHAAAAAT?”
DECOTEAU: Eh, not for another couple regenerations.
CORMAN: And all it cost was a half da budget and lettin’ him play four more parts.
BARKER: (IN “SAY WHAAAAAT” TONES) Uh... I’m imprEEEEEESSSSSEEEDD!!
CORMAN: Whaddaya say, we make ya an Executive Producer on da pictures?
BARKER: What would I have to do?
CORMAN: Whatever ya want! Dat’s da best part a bein’ Executive Producer. It’s real vague an’ no-one knows what it even means.
BARKER: You know what, sure. Let’s do it, Roger.
CORMAN: Dat’s great, Clive baby! Sign right here. [PAPER UNFOLDING]
BARKER: You had a contract ready? Didn’t you think I was dead?
CORMAN: In dis business, ya gotta be prepared for anythin’. Right on da line dere.
BARKER: OK. [PEN SCRIBBLE]
CORMAN: [FOLDING PAPER] Now we’re sittin’ pretty.
BARKER: Nice. I didn’t think I was going to say it, but... I feel good about this.
CORMAN All we gotta do is get da Candyman [CANDYMAN MUSIC STARTS, QUIETLY] to stop moiderin’ da crew. Dat community college is gonna run outta film studies minors eventually.
BARKER: Eddie Murphy’s murdering people?
CORMAN: Nah, da real Candyman. [MUSIC UP TO 2] I mean, da movie’s called Candyman [MUSIC UP TO 3] an’ dere’s a lotta mirrors in a film studio, ya know. We keep summonin’ him up like in da urban legend.
BARKER: Urban legend?
CORMAN: You know, you say “Candyman” [MUSIC UP TO 4] in da mirror five times, he appears and WHAMMO! Murders!
BARKER: That’s Beetlejuice.
DECOTEAU: No, it’s Bloody Mary.
CORMAN: Nah, kid, dat’s da legend, if ya say Ca—
BARKER: Roger, there’s no urban legend. I made that story up. The urban legend is just a myth people spread to—(REALIZATION) oh.
CORMAN: Sure! Dat’s why everyone’s tellin’ me dey heard about it when dey was a kid.
[ELEVATOR BELL RINGS. MUSIC STOPS, DOORS OPEN, BACK TO FILM STUDIO AMBIENCE]
BARKER: Yes, because I heard stuff like that when I was a kid too. It doesn’t mean there’s a Candyman!
...JUMP SCARE! METALLIC CLANK, BEES, LEVEL 5 HORROR MUSIC]
CANDYMAN: Come with me... and be immortal.
BARKER: —shit.
CORMAN: Told ya, Clive baby! Nice knowing ya!
CANDYMAN: Be—my—victim.
BARKER: Wait... Candyman, are you Tony Todd? From the Tom Savini “Night of the Living Dead”?
CANDYMAN/TODD: I… am… (COUGHS. MONSTER VOCAL EFFECTS STOP. CONTINUES AFFABLY) Uh, yes, Mr Barker, that’s me.
BARKER: Love the costume! Have to say you are one thirst-trap of a murder ghost. Roger told me Eddie Murphy has the gig, though?
TODD: Well, Mr Murphy has already used up most of the makeup team’s budget to see if he can play Helen Lyle and the Candyman at the same time.
BARKER: Yikes.
TODD: So the makeup artists have been helping me get ready for a screen test.
CORMAN: By murderin’ da drama students?
BARKER: Easier to get an extension on your essay if you call in dead.
TODD: Exactly.
BARKER: Mmmm... ah, what the hell. The part’s yours.
CORMAN: (DISTANT) What?
BARKER: Celebratory lunch, Mr Todd?
TODD: Whatever you say, Mr Barker.
CORMAN: (IMPLORINGLY) Clive! Baby! Remember da boatload of money we paid Eddie?
DECOTEAU: Come on, Roger. You have a very small boat.
BARKER: Like you said, Roger... baby... as Executive Producer, I can do whatever the fuck I want. (COMFORTABLY) I’m Clive Barker!
[FADE. END THEME MUSIC PLAYS, SAME SCORE AS THE INTRO MUSIC BUT PLAYED MORE SOFTLY ON (SYNTHETIC) FLUTE AND HARP]
VOICEOVER: This mini-episode of Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals starred David Ault as Clive Barker, Rodrigo Borges as Edgar Allan Poe, Rebecca D’Souza as Mary Shelley, Robin Johnson as HP Lovecraft, Wren Montgomery as Dean Koontz, and Jason Robinson as Stephen King. With Bitter Karella as Roger Corman, Dashawn Ricks as Tony Todd, Brad Barnes as David DeCoteau, and David Court as Graham Masterton. The episode was written by Brad Barnes, edited and produced by Robin Johnson. Daisy McNamara was an audio consultant. The Midnight Pals is a creation of Bitter Karella. Season 2 of Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals is coming soon to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, or wherever it is that you find podcasts. If you’ve enjoyed this show, please take the time to leave us a rating or review. Find out more at midnightpals.com.
This episode is dedicated to the memory of Roger Corman. Thanks for all the movies, Roger. We’ll not see their like again.
[MUSIC PLAYS OUT]