Junji Ito, adorable catboy and master of disturbing manga horror, visits the campfire accompanied by original weeaboo Lafcadio Hearn.
It's winter at the campfire, and that means one thing—snow-themed holiday special! The Midnight Pals are visited by Junji Ito, adorable catboy and terrifying master of fucked-up-face-filled manga horror, accompanied by original weeaboo Lafcadio Hearn. The pair narrate an ancient Japanese folktale of ripped samurai, distressed noblewomen, and seasonal ice-demons. Lafcadio helps Junji out by using his insightful perspective as a Greek-Irish academic to explain Japanese tradition and culture. HP Lovecraft nearly has an aneurysm.
Content notes: swearing, raised voices, sexual references, discussion of racism and appropriation, violence, death, references to guns.
CAST:
with
Script by Lou Sutcliffe, edited by Bitter Karella and Robin Johnson. The Japanese sensitivity reader was Minaro Kato-Hopkins, and the Irish accent and swearing coach was Liselle Nic Giollabháin.
Lafcadio Hearn's translation of the Japanese folktale "Yuki-Onna" (The Snow Woman) is included in his collection Kwaidan: Stories and Studies of Strange Things, which is available from Project Gutenberg at https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/1210
A transcript of this episode can be found at https://midnight-pals.simplecast.com/episodes/s01e07-the-tale-of-the-snow-woman/transcript
The Midnight Pals is the creation of Bitter Karella ©
Subscribe to Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Pocket Cast, Goodpods or wherever you find podcasts. If you enjoy the show, please consider leaving us a rating or review. For more information, see https://midnightpals.com
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS—A SPOOKY PIECE ON PIPE ORGAN IN 3/4 TIME, BASED AROUND 12 CHIMES OF A CHURCH BELL.]
VOICEOVER (Rodrigo Borges): Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals, by Bitter Karella.
[MUSIC PLAYS OUT.
SNOWY FOREST AMBIENCE FADES IN—COLD WIND IN TREES, CAMPFIRE CRACKLING NEARBY.]
DEAN KOONTZ (Wren Montgomery): I’m c-c-c-cold.
STEPHEN KING (Jason Robinson): Aww, come on Dean, it’s great out here! Bracing and chilly, just like a Maine winter. Frost on the trees. Tang in the air. Wonderful.
KOONTZ: Why are we out here in the snow anyway Steve? Couldn’t we meet indoors? By a log fire? With chestnuts roasting and a fluffy rug. That’s wintery, right?
KING: Adversity builds character!
KOONTZ: Oh... I’ve been told I need to work on my character.
EDGAR ALLAN POE (Rodrigo): That’s “characters,” Dean.
KOONTZ: ...oh.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]
HP LOVECRAFT (Robin Johnson): Why are we out here in this blizzard and which minority can I blame?
KING: It’s barely even snowing! [GUST OF HOWLING WIND] Mmmm. Bracing.
BARKER: Ooh, you’ve gotta be k-kidding me.
POE: I’m with Stephen. What a beautiful evening. The moonlight’s icy gleam on the freshly fallen snow. The crisp touch of frost on the back of your neck. The world outlined in pristine whiteness—
KOONTZ: (SNEEZE)
LOVECRAFT/BARKER/POE: Bless you.
KOONTZ: (SNIFFLING) I’m gonna catch a chill. If I die of a chill I’ll haunt you, Stephen.
KING: Move a little closer to the fire. Not too close. Have another blanket.
[RUSTLE AS STEPHEN WRAPS DEAN IN A BLANKET]
KOONTZ: (MUFFLED) Thanks. (SNIFF)
BARKER: (SHIVERING) I’m going back to California. New Englanders are c-crazy.
LOVECRAFT: Hey!
BARKER: (FIRMLY) I said what I said.
POE: We’re missing someone. Where’s Mary?
LOVECRAFT: Probably somewhere stabbing an innocent snowman to death.
KOONTZ: (MUFFLED) Snowman? Steve! Steve! Steve! Can we watch that movie where the little boy builds a snowman and then the snowman comes to life and they go flying through the air and they go to visit Santa Claus?
KING: Maybe later.
KOONTZ: (STILL MUFFLED) Awww...
POE: You let him watch that movie? All the way to the end?
KING: Sssshhhhh! (WHISPERING) He always falls asleep before the sad part. I tell him the Snowman and Santa get married and have a dog.
BARKER: Dean has a point. It’s chilly out, so I think someone should tell a cozy, heartwarming story to warm us all up... or maybe something hotter than warm. The Tale of the Hottest Devil in the Deepest, Flamiest, Toastiest—
[CRACK OF THUNDER]
KING: Nope. You are not telling another story about Super Sexy Twink Lucifer again.
KOONTZ: (STILL MUFFLED) What does twink mean?
LOVECRAFT: Sounds (LOWERS VOICE) deviant.
BARKER: It’s a—
KING: (INTERRUPTING) We’ll tell you when you’re older.
BARKER: Fine. Neil Gaiman told that goth dream twink story last month anyway. What story do you want to tell, Stephen?
KING: Actually, I invited somebody new along tonight. And he’s bringing a friend.
[CRUNCHING OF FOOTSTEPS IN THE SNOW]
KING: Here they come now.
LAFCADIO HEARN (Robin): Excuse me? Would this be the most honourable gathering of the Midnight Society?
BARKER: Why are you bowing like that?
KING: (CHUCKLES) It is indeed, welcome!
JUNJI ITO (Tenest Tang): It’s a thing he does. Hello Midnight Society Nya!
KOONTZ: (FLINGING BACK BLANKET JOYFULLY) IT’S A CATBOY!
ITO: Uwu?
KOONTZ: Look at his little ears! AND HIS LITTLE TOE BEANS!
ITO: Nya?
KOONTZ: Can I pet him?
ITO: (HISS)
KOONTZ: OK, no touch the kitty.
KING: Aren’t you allergic to cats, Dean?
KOONTZ: (SADLY) I am. My head swells up like a balloon and my throat closes up and you have to stick me with an epi-pen or someone has to take me to the hospital.
HEARN: Ah, we have not made proper introductions. Greetings to you, Midnight Society, thank you for inviting us to your very chilly fireside to tell you a story. I am Lafcadio Hearn, and this catboy is Junji Ito.
ITO: (CREEPY VOICE) [SPIRALLY SOUND EFFECT IN BACKGROUND] Head like a balloon you say... [SPIRAL FADES OUT]
BARKER: Steve, you invited weebs? Shouldn’t they be over at the Super Happy Magical Adventure Fun Time Club campfire or something?
KING: These are horror weebs, Clive. Lafcadio has published two volumes of Japanese ghost stories translated into English and Junji writes horror manga about... holes and spirals and... people with messed-up faces.
ITO: The world is very scary uwu. So I draw pictures about it. Horrible, (SCARY VOICE) HORRIBLE (NORMAL VOICE) pictures.
BARKER: OK one weeb and one actual Japanese guy in kitty ears who... who looks like he’d cry if you looked at him the wrong way.
ITO: (PANICKING) Please don’t look at me the wrong way.
BARKER: Cool.
ITO: Did I do something wrong? What did I do uwu?
POE: Uh—Lafcadio, was it? Aren’t you cold in that kimono?
HEARN: Kimono? This is not a kimono, you feckin’ baka gaijin malaka!
POE: I’m sorry, I don’t know anything about Japanese fashion.
HEARN: Sir, this is a yukata. A less formal, single layered garment, made from cotton or linen, to be worn to a gathering such as this meeting of midnight friends.
ITO: (QUIETLY) They are also mainly worn in summer.
POE: Aren’t you cold in that yukata?
HEARN: Feckin’ Baltic.
POE: I see.
HEARN: I didn’t realise we were meeting out in the snow.
BARKER: Neither did we, did we, Steve?
KING: Come closer to the fire. Have some blankets.
LOVECRAFT: Wait, hang on. We’re inviting these... uh... these guys to our campfire? I mean, who are they even?
POE: They’re Lafcadio Hearn and Junji Ito. This has been established.
LOVECRAFT: Yeah, but... (PANICKING) we don’t let just anybody come here!
KING: Yes we do.
BARKER: We let you, don’t we?
LOVECRAFT: But th-they look—the little one looks—you know—
POE: Why don’t you say it, Howard?
HEARN: If our presence has caused offence, venerable Midnight Brothers—
ITO: Nya!
LOVECRAFT: Aah! (DESPERATELY) I—I think they might be—don’t make me say it!
BARKER: Oh, I’m gonna make you say it, Howard.
LOVECRAFT: I think they might be... Italian!!
(PAUSE)
BARKER: (SCOFFING) OK. Fine, Howard, we’ll do it your way. Junji, Lafcadio, are either of you just the tiniest bit Italian?
HEARN: No.
JUNI: Nyo!
BARKER: Then sit your asses down.
LOVECRAFT: ...sounds like something an Italian would say.
BARKER: Ugh, give it a rest, Howard.
ITO: Uwu... Howard? You are Howard Phillips Lovecraft??
LOVECRAFT: He’s talking to me! Why is he talking to me? Is he gonna try to feed me pasta? Is he gonna try and put parmesan on my stuff?
ITO: (HAPPILY, BUT GRADUALLY BECOMING CREEPY AND DISTORTED) I love your work! Big fan! So happy to meet you! I like the story where the strange color comes out of space and infects the farmland with its nightmarish contagion [SPIRAL SOUND IN BACKGROUND] gradually transforming the animals and the earth itself into something ALIEN AND TERRIBLE... (NORMALLY) Also there are cows!
LOVECRAFT: (DOUBTFULLY) Thank you... I wanted the cows to be squids, but August Derleth said that wasn’t realistic. Hello, I said, it’s fantasy WHY has your face turned into a spiral??
HEARN: (WHISPERING) That happens sometimes, just wait for it to stop. Try not to look directly into it.
ITO: (HAPPILY) Senpai noticed me...
HEARN: Yes, I see that, that’s nice for you.
LOVECRAFT: So, uh... Lafcadio, is it?
HEARN: Yes. Or “Koizumi Yakumo” for short.
LOVECRAFT: I’m sorry to labor the point here but it’s very important... are you... Italian?
HEARN: Greek, actually. Half Greek and half Irish.
LOVECRAFT: (CHOKING) Half... like a centaur??
HEARN: But I love Japan so much that I moved there and married a Japanese lady and I’m now a Japanese citizen. My wife’s family adopted me and gave me a Japanese name. We have four children in the traditional Japanese style! Isn’t that wonderful!
LOVECRAFT: Ch—children?... what are they, like, a race of hybrid fish monsters?
HEARN: I’ve got a picture here somewhere... behind this one of Sailor Moon... and this one of Sailor Moon... and this one of Sailor Jupiter...
LOVECRAFT: No! Looking at it would surely drive one insane!!
POE: Howard
ITO: Lafcadio... I mean Koizumi-senpai loves Japan and Japanese culture so much.
HEARN: I do, I do!
ITO: (QUIET ASIDE, THINKING IT THROUGH) He’s so happy now! Isn’t that great? I think everyone should be able to go where they are happiest. I sometimes think maybe Lafcadio likes Japan a little too much though? He wears yukata all the time.
HEARN: Don’t forget, I started playing go!
ITO: That is true. But you are very bad. I have never seen anyone else play with a 359-stone handicap... and lose.
HEARN: That’s not the point. Only the Western mind regards sports of the mind in terms of competition—
ITO: —and—
HEARN: Chess, with its inherently violent nature, represents a battle of man versus man.
ITO: —and he keeps—
And I can never remember how the harses move.
HEARN: Go is spiritually higher. It represents man versus self...
ITO: (TALKING OVER LOVECRAFT) And he keeps explaining Asian culture to me.
HEARN: Well, it’s important to appreciate the cultural context, Junji-san. Also I have all the Pokemon funko pops!
ITO: And he became a Buddhist.
LOVECRAFT: Oh, yikes. I didn’t know you could catch that.
HEARN: No... I converted.
LOVECRAFT: (STRAINED) Like... on purpose?
HEARN: Yes! Before that, I was Greek Orthodox, Roman Catholic and Spencerian Agnostic!
LOVECRAFT: Uuh—what, all at once? (STRANGLED NOISES)
KING: I think he’s overloading.
LOVECRAFT: (CHOKING) So much—culture—(PAINED NOISES)
BARKER: Yeah, Howard, isn’t that great. All those different nationalities and religions... mixing together... happily together in one family. Multiculturalism. A beautiful rainbow of identities.
[THUMP AS HOWARD PASSES OUT AND FALLS OVER IN THE SNOW]
HEARN: Shinjirarenai! Is Lovecraft-senpai unwell? Is he dead?
ITO: Can he die?
BARKER: Maybe if we’re lucky. [KICKS LOVECRAFT]
LOVECRAFT: (MOANING)
BARKER: Guess not.
ITO: Howard? (CAT CHIRRUP) Mrrrrp??
BARKER: He’ll be fine. He’ll wake up when the stars are right.
LOVECRAFT: (PAINED NOISES FROM THE FLOOR) ...Clive...
BARKER: Shut up, Howard. [KICKS HOWARD]
LOVECRAFT: Ow.
HEARN: Junji-kun, when will you and your okusama come over for that double date with Setsuko and I? (ENTICINGLY) We can read spooky stories... by dim candlelight in the dead of night.
ITO: (FLUSTERED) Ehe... I am very sorry Lafcadio, but I cannot find a... cat-sitter.
KOONTZ: I can look after your cats! I love kittens! And scary stories.
KING: Dean, you’re allergic.
KOONTZ: (SADLY) Oh yeah.
HEARN: What a polite and helpful young man! Now you have no excuses.
ITO: (UNHAPPY ABOUT THIS) Ehe... I guess so! [WEIRD SPIRAL NOISE IN BACKGROUND, DISTORTION ON ITO’S VOICE]
BARKER: Junji, what’s going on with your face? It’s all... spirally.
ITO: Nothing!
HEARN: It does that sometimes.
ITO: I suppose if I do not have a cat sitter, we will have to tell the stories here instead! [SPIRAL FADES OUT, VOICE RETURNS TO NORMAL]
KING: That’s why we’re all gathered here, isn’t it? Junji, Lafcadio, what have you brought for us?
ITO: Well, I have been helping Lafcadio to translate old Japanese ghost stories into English for his new book.
HEARN: The West absolutely must experience the chilling delights of the Kaidan tales. I will introduce them with my translations, in a slim volume, reasonably priced! And a companion guidebook four times as long as the stories with detailed cultural context for the discerning reader!
ITO: And I will help because... (SADLY) My editor told me I need to be working on more horror. But horror is very difficult and sometimes it makes me sad to think about uwu. I write about the strange thoughts I have sometimes, like “What if a woman had a fucked-up face?” But if I were to be honest, I just want to write cute manga about my wife and our cats. I truly love cats.
KOONTZ: I LOVE CATS TOO!
ITO: CATS ARE THE MOST PERFECT CREATURES EVER CREATED!
KOONTZ: I wish I wasn’t allergic. They’re almost as cool as dogs!
ITO: Dogs? (GROWLS) [BRIEF SPIRAL NOISE]
HEARN: Junji-kun
ITO: I was thinking of writing a manga adaptation of Frankenstein. I very much enjoy that story. I heard Mary Shelley might be here? I was hoping I might ask for her blessing and also her advice? She seems like a nice lady.
LOVECRAFT: (GROANS)
BARKER: That’s right, Howard! He said she’s his best pal.
LOVECRAFT: (PAINED) ...no—agh! My branchial hearts... (HAS DOUBLE CORONARY)
KOONTZ: I wrote a story about Frankenstein too. But whenever I ask if I can read it at the campfire, Mary takes out her switchblade and just... looks at me.
POE: She must be around here somewhere?
BARKER: Knife fighting a yeti, probably.
POE: Barefist-boxing Jack Frost?
BARKER: Kicking Old Father Winter in the—
[CRACK OF THUNDER]
KING: Ah, she’ll turn up. So! Lafcadio! Which one of these ancient Japanese tales have you brought for us tonight?
HEARN: Well, I thought given the cold weather—
KING: Bracing, it’s bracing.
HEARN: —we’d tell a chilling tale about a yurei—that is, an evil spirit or ghost, associated with the snow.
BARKER: Wait. You thought, given the weather, you’d tell a chilling snow tale?
HEARN: ... yes...
BARKER: So it’s your damn fault we’re freezing our asses off!?
HEARN: I regret that I do not follow, Barker-senpai. I merely thought a story fitting with the icy conditions—
BARKER: (FURIOUS) Gaah! That’s not how it works here, in this stupid fucking ambiguously supernatural location-and-time-ambiguous fucking forest! Haven’t you heard of the pathetic fucking fallacy? You’re gonna tell a cold story. That’s why it’s cold!
HEARN: Barker-senpai—
BARKER: Call me senpai one more goddamn time!!
HEARN: Clive-san?
BARKER: (RAGING) Aaagh!!
KING: (INTERRUPTING) Boy, a snow story! That sounds great, doesn’t it guys?
KOONTZ: Awwww.
BARKER: (CALMING DOWN) Yeah. Great.
KOONTZ: Oh! Oh! Say the words!
HEARN: Of course! I would be honored. Submitted for the approval—
KOONTZ: Wait!
KING: (ANNOYED) Dean, what is it now?
KOONTZ: The dust! You have to throw the midnight dust!
BARKER: Who’s got the dust?
KING: I had it right here.
POE: (OFF) Wait a second, I think it’s down behind... Yep, I found it... Oh shit, it’s frozen... [BONKS]
POE: I got it loose. OK, go.
HEARN: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society—throw the dust, Junji-kun!
ITO: Nya!
[MAGICAL SPARKLE]
HEARN: We call this story...Yuki-Onna no Monogatari!
KOONTZ: I don’t understand...
ITO: (HURRIEDLY) English, Lafcadio.
HEARN: Oh yes of course, English! Apologies, I am so used to reading these in the original language. They really are so much more poetic in the original Japanese. But I’ll go again. Translate for me, Junji-kun! Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, we call this story...
[SPARKLE AGAIN. EPISODE THEME KICKS IN: AN ANIME-THEME-STYLE, UPBEAT, 4/4-TIME VERSION OF THE MIDNIGHT PALS THEME, PLAYED ON SYNTHESISED KOTO, KEYBOARDS, WITH A HEAVY RHYTHM ON ELECTRIC DRUMPAD]
HEARN: Yuki-Onna no Monogatari.
ITO: or... [DISTORTED] The Tale of the Snow Woman.
KOONTZ: Snow Woman? Yay, like The Snowman?
KING: I don’t think so? It doesn’t sound like it.
KOONTZ: Awwww.
BARKER: You’re doing that stretchy fucked-up thing with your face again, Junji.
ITO: [NORMAL VOICE] Apologies.
[MUSIC PLAYS OUT
AMBIENCE OF THE ONSEN IN FUJIWARA CASTLE FADES IN: TRICKLING WATER, WEATHER. DISTANT SHAKUHACKI (BAMBOO FLUTE) MUSIC]
HEARN (V/O): Our tale begins within the thick and defensible walls of the ancient castle of the Fujiwara clan, one of the great Samurai clans of the Heian period. Lord Fujiwara, that great hero of the period well known in tale and legend, was within. He was relaxing in the onsen, that’s the hot spring in the beautiful gardens in his castle grounds, after a hard day of defeating of his enemies in battle.
SUBBED LORD FUJIWARA (Tenest): (BEGINS SPEAKING IN JAPANESE) Aa, kishimu karada ni yu ga shimiru wai...
KING (V/O): (INTERRUPTING) Lafcadio... I’m afraid none of us speak Japanese.
[QUICK FADE BACK TO CAMPFIRE]
HEARN: Sure! That’s why Junji here is going to write out subtitles for you all to read in real time, right, Junji-kun?
ITO: What? No. Please, just tell it in English.
HEARN: Seriously? You know dubs can never truly portray the intent of the original—oh, your face has gone spirally again...
[FADE BACK TO CASTLE SPRING]
LORD FUJIWARA (Jon Guiterrez): (HEARTY AND SLIGHTLY TOO FAST, LIKE A MANLY ANIME HERO) Aaaaaahhh... This warm water feels so good on my aching body! I am so very exhausted after defeating five hundred of my enemies in single combat with only my trusty sword and five hundred of my closest companions! Tomorrow I will be very sore, hoho!
[FADE BACK TO CAMPFIRE AMBIENCE]
BARKER: OK, maybe this isn’t so bad... buff warrior half-naked in a hot spring.
HEARN: Half-naked? The cultivated Japanese mind does not share the Westerner’s prudish hangups about nudity. Lord Fujiwara was fully naked!
BARKER: Oh reallllly.
HEARN: Sure he was. (SULKILY) Unless this is the dumbed-down American release, where they edited the scene to make the water opaque. Gobshite censors. If you’re the one covering up the naked body of a buff samurai, maybe you’re the one thinking inappropriate thoughts about naked buff samurai!
BARKER: I sure am. Was he hot?
HEARN: Of course he was hot, he was in a hot spring. They are heated by volcanic faults. Not that Japan has any faults! I spoke geologically.
BARKER: Nooo I mean, like, he must have been pretty toned, this Lord Fujiwara, you know, from all the war and stuff.
HEARN: He was a perfect specimen of Japanese manhood. The paragon of skill and discipline, his muscles lean and toned from training each and every day with the sword and the bow. Just an absolute ride.
BARKER: Mmmmm, go on...
LOVECRAFT: (COMING ROUND) Uhhhh... Why am I lying in the snow? What’s happening?
POE: Lafcadio’s telling a horny Japanese folk tale.
HEARN: Horny??
LOVECRAFT: Japanese??
ITO: Hello again Howard! I hope you’re feeling better.
LOVECRAFT: Agh! My systemic heart! [COLLAPSES AGAIN]
HEARN: This is not a horny tale! Lord Fujiwara was simply bathing in a wholesome fashion after a long day engaged in manly pursuits!
BARKER: Manly pursuits, huh.
POE: For Clive, sooner or later everything is a horny tale.
HEARN: Stop that immediately! Back to my tale!
[FADE BACK TO CASTLE SPRING. SOUND OF FUJIWARA WHISTLING “RUBBER DUCKY”]
HEARN: (V/O) Now, scholars of Japanese folk tales, which (SNICKER) none of you are of course, might remember Lord Fujiwara from Tawara Toda Monogatari, the Tale of My Lord Bag-of-Rice. This was the tale in which he defeated the terrible giant centipede that was plaguing Lake Biwa.
BARKER: (V/O) Centipedes? In MY Lake Biwa? It’s more likely than you think.
FUJIWARA: [SQUEEZES RUBBER DUCKY] Ah, the turbulent surface of the water of this hot and strangely opaque spring pool—
HEARN (V/O): Ah, feck. Can we find the VIZ release instead?
[QUICK FADE BACK TO CAMPFIRE]
HEARN: [TAPPING PHONE SCREEN] It’ll only take a minute...
ITO: It will take an hour to find and at least three hours to download.
KING: It’s true. The 4G coverage in the ambiguously supernatural location-and-time-ambiguous forest leaves a lot to be desired.
HEARN: Yes, but—
ITO: (CAT GROWL)
HEARN: (HASTILY) oh, there’s the face thing again. Fine.
[FADE BACK TO CASTLE SPRING]
FUJIWARA:—this opaque water recalls to me that time I faced the giant centipede that plagued Lake Biwa! That massive centipede had lights on its feet that made it seem as if a thousand men with torches were descending to the lake from Mount Mikami!
[ANIME STYLE MUSIC PLAYS, ACCOMPANIED BY SOUND EFFECTS REMINISCENT OF THE ARCADE GAME “CENTIPEDE”]
The Dragon King of the Lake begged me to aid him in defeating it to protect his city beneath the waters! I agreed at once, of course, and brought out my trusty yumi, or Japanese bow, not to be confused with the bō, or Japanese quarterstaff. Once, did I send an arrow flying to strike it on the head, but it bounced off the creature’s thick chitinous carapace! Twice again did I send an arrow flying, and though it struck true, it did not penetrate the head of the beast!
BARKER (V/O): Penetrate the head of the beast, eh?
FUJIWARA: I prayed to the God of Archers who is my patron for guidance, and a voice told me to remember how when I was a little boy I spat upon a little centipede and it curled up and died! So I took an arrow from my quiver and spat upon the head of it!
BARKER (V/O): I mean, lube is better, but spit will do if you’re in a hurry.
FUJIWARA: I nocked the arrow to my bow and drew, muscles straining, saliva dripping from the head of my weapon.
BARKER (V/O): Mhmmm...
FUJIWARA: Then I loosed, and at last the arrow struck true, piercing the head of the monster and slaying it dead! I was victorious and the Dragon King rewarded me with magical gifts, such as a bag of rice that never runs out, so that I might always be able to feed my beloved people. But enough reminiscing! I must tend to my aching muscles with expensive balms and unguents. Let me just stand up from my bath with its strategically positioned bubbles...
BARKER: (V/O) I love this.
[QUICK FADE BACK TO CAMPFIRE]
HEARN: Clive, I swear to the lesser and greater Boddhisatvas, if you keep enjoying this story so much I will stop telling it!
BARKER: (LAUGHING) OK, OK.
KOONTZ: When does the Snowman show up?
KING: You mean the Snow Woman?
KOONTZ: Yeah, the Snow woman.
KING: I guess we’ll get to it?
HEARN: Yes, we will, have patience, Dean-san! When Lord Fujiwara returned to his chamber to dress, he found a letter waiting for him with an urgent message.
FUJIWARA: What is this? An urgent message? Someone needs my help!
[SOUND OF LETTER BEING UNFOLDED]
HEARN: The letter was elaborately folded as was the courtly tradition in that period.
FUJIWARA: Why, this is the seal of the Minamoto clan. A fine piece of origami. The best I can do is a pigeon. No wonder the Minamoto are our closest rivals for the Imperial throne...
HEARN: ... Along with the Taira and Tachibana clans...
[SOUND OF LETTER BEING UNFOLDED]
FUJIWARA: There must be a great need indeed for the Minamoto to seek my help of my clan... got it. (READING) Most honoured Lord Fujiwara...
[LADY MINAMOTO’S VOICE TAKES OVER. CELESTA MUSIC IN BACKGROUND]
LADY MINAMOTO (Nicoletta Giuseffi) (V/O): Most honoured Lord Fujiwara, hero of Heian, I am writing to you to seek your help. My people are being tormented by an evil spirit, a snow woman who steals children and freezes travellers to death on the road. I have sent my strongest warriors to fight her but none have returned alive! I don’t know what to do! Please help! Love and kisses, Lady Minamoto.
FUJIWARA: This could be a trap set by my rivals! But I cannot refuse to help a lady in distress! Especially one who scents her letter with expensive perfume! Servants, fetch my weapons and my armour and my magnificent horse!
HEARN: Lord Fujiwara’s armour was the o-yoroi suit typical of the period, made of hundreds of individually lacquered scales and designed to be light for horseback archery. It was the magical armour granted to him by the Dragon King of Lake Biwa. He was also given a fine set of swords as a reward for his heroism. Of course, the Heian was when the earliest of the great schools of swordsmithing were founded...
[FADE BACK TO CAMPFIRE AMBIENCE]
ITO: Lafcadio-senpai, is all this detail really necessary to the story?
HEARN: Absolutely. How else will I educate the listener about the flowering of Heian-period Japanese culture?
ITO: You don’t think it might be detracting from the story?
HEARN: (CONFUSED) No, why would it?
ITO: .. never mind..
[FADE.
FADE TO JAPANESE FOREST. WIND, BIRDSONG. POUNDING OF HORSE HOOVES]
HEARN: Armed and armoured, Lord Fujiwara mounted his mighty steed...
BARKER: (LAUGHING) Oh my god.
HEARN: (ANNOYED) He mounted his mighty steed and rode as fast as it would carry across Omi Province, which is in the Kansai region.
FUJIWARA: Hyah! Giddyup! [HORSE NEIGHS] Carry me swiftly noble steed, for there is a lady in need of my assistance!
HEARN: Through the snow that lay thickly upon the ground he rode to the castle of Lady Minamoto, where he was conducted into the august lady’s presence.
[HOOVES FADE AWAY. AMBIENCE CHANGES TO INSIDE IN A CASTLE, FIRE BURNING, TRADITIONAL JAPANESE COURTLY MUSIC IS PLAYING]
KOONTZ (V/O): (QUIETLY) August? I thought it was winter...
POE (V/O): That means the Lady was very fancy.
KOONTZ (V/O): Ohh...
HEARN (V/O): She was indeed very fancy, yes, and her castle was also very fancy and big and furnished with sundry shoji screens, fusuma, tokonoma, ramma, and so on.
KOONTZ (V/O): What are those?
HEARN (V/O): (PAUSE) It doesn’t matter.
FUJIWARA: Lady Minamoto! I have arrived, me, great culture hero Lord Fujiwara, to this, your very fancy castle to help you with your snow lady problem!
MINAMOTO: (ANIME VILLAINESS LAUGH) Ooohoohoo! Welcome to my castle great culture hero Lord Fujiwara!
HEARN: Something told Lord Fujiwara that there might be more to Lady Minamoto. But for the moment he placed his suspicions to the side, like the hashi-oki or chopstick rest at a formal meal.
[AMBIENCE FADES BACK TO CAMPFIRE]
ITO: Oooh, did she have a fucked up face?
HEARN: Totally fucked up.
ITO: How fucked up? [SPIRAL NOISE IN BACKGROUND]
HEARN: She had a face like a fucked up kabuki mask.
LOVECRAFT: Is that like those weird carnival masks with the big noses?
POE: For the last time, Howard, it’s Japanese. Not Italian.
LOVECRAFT: Hah! Like anyone could tell the difference. Fancy food, mobsters, volcanoes... they’re basically the same place.
BARKER: Shut up, Howard.
LOVECRAFT: Noodles. Car manufacturers. Hot springs. Famous video game characters... (FADES OUT)
[AMBIENCE FADES BACK TO MINAMOTO CASTLE]
FUJIWARA: Tell me of this monster, noble Lady Minamoto!
MINAMOTO: Ooohoohoohoo! It is so terrible, I am at my wits’ end. My poor people are being tormented by this awful snow spirit lady! She hides in the forest with her little snow child who is also an evil spirit, waiting for travellers who have become lost in the snow. She begs them to warm her little child who is so cold.
FUJIWARA: And then she kills them?
MINAMOTO: Oooohooohooo, worse! When the hapless traveller wraps their arms around the little child, they find themselves stuck.
FUJIWARA: And then she kills them?
MINAMOTO: Oooohooohooo, worse still! The child becomes heavier and heavier as the poor traveller struggles and struggles, and there they remain until they freeze to death.
FUJIWARA: And then she... eats them?
MINAMOTO: No. She just leaves them there. In the snow, frozen. I sent out ten of my best warriors and they all came back as samuraicicles.
FUJIWARA: How dastardly! But do not fear, my lady, for I, Lord Fujiwara, cultural hero of Heian, will slay this monstrous creature!
MINAMOTO: If you do this I will lavish you with fine food and gifts! And if you play your cards right maybe there might be something else in it for you...
FUJIWARA: I need no rewards for defeating a monster! To protect the people of this land is reward enough for me!
MINAMOTO: Ooohoohoo! Shame.
[FADE.
FADE BACK TO CAMPFIRE AMBIENCE]
KOONTZ: I guess this snow lady doesn’t take you flying to visit Santa Claus, huh?
KING: I don’t think so, no.
BARKER: Maybe she just wants a little attention? God forbid women do anything.
[FADE.
FADE IN JAPANESE FOREST AMBIENCE. COLD WIND, HOOFBEATS.]
HEARN (V/O): Lord Fujiwara was given fine food and drink and a warm place to sleep for the night. The next morning, he left the very fancy castle of Lady Minamoto, mounting his charger again, and rode off across the countryside. He rode all day and on into the evening, and the snow began to fall thick and fast.
FUJIWARA: The cold is biting, especially riding on my noble steed, wearing this yukata, yet I will endure, for I am the great cultu re hero Lord Fujiwara!
HEARN (V/O): At last he came to a quiet road by a deep forest where the Snow Woman was last sighted. He dismounted his horse [NEIGH. SOUND LIKE CAR BRAKES SKIDDING] and led it quietly along.
[HOOVES SLOW TO CLIP CLOP. CHILD CRYING IN DISTANCE]
FUJIWARA: (A LITTLE NERVOUSLY) The night is dark and the forest is deep and I think I see things hanging in the trees, yet I will endure, for I am the great culture hero Lord Fujiwara, haha!
[CHILD CRYING GETS NEARER]
FUJIWARA: The unearthly sound of that child crying is quite unsettling, but I am not afraid, for I am the great culture hero Lord Fujiwara! Ha ha! And little do those snow monsters know that I have a cunning plan to defeat them. Now, noble steed, I must leave you here by this tree. [SOUND LIKE ELECTRONIC CAR KEYS BEEPING. HORSE WHICKERS] For I must face this dreadful woman who probably has a fucked-up face, alone, armed only with my trusty katana, wakizashi, shuriken, nunchaku, tsurugi, yumi, tekkan, hachiwari, gunsen, tessen, kama, chigiriki... [FADES]
ITO: (V/O) How is he even moving?
[AMBIENCE FADES OUT AND BACK IN.
FOOTSTEPS ON SNOW. CHILD CRYING IS CLOSE NOW. CELESTA MUSIC PLAYS]
YUKI-ONNA (Nicoletta): (VOICE DISTORTED WITH CREEPY ECHOES, BUT EASILY RECOGNISABLE AS SAME ACTOR AS LADY MINAMOTO) Ooohoohoohoo! Please help me, noble stranger, for my little child is so very cold and I cannot keep her warm. Please carry her away in your big strong arms to your castle, where she can be toasty warm!
CHILD: I am very cold mister!
FUJIWARA: (SOTTO VOCE) Certainly I will carry your poor frozen child to my castle! Little do they know about my cunning plan.
CHILD: Please give me a hug!
FUJIWARA: Come to my arms, small child, who I see now also has kind of a fucked-up face! (SOTTO VOCE) Little do they know, I intend to place between my teeth my faithful tanto, which is a short sword style a little too late for this period but is being included for artistic license! It was gifted to me by the Dragon King of Lake Biwa as was mentioned earlier, and is made of—[STABBY NOISE. BEAT] Ouch. I wiw plathe it between my teef wiv the blade facing outwardth thith time. [BEAT] I wegret my dethicisions. Neverthewess, come to me little chiwd, and I shaw warm you!
[ANIME MUSIC STARS PLAYING]
CHILD: (EVIL CHILD LAUGH)
YUKI-ONNA: OHOOOOHOOO!
FUJIWARA: (THROUGH A MOUTH FULL OF SWORD) Ma’am your child is vewy heavy! And vewwy cold!
YUKI-ONNA: Please, hold her even closer!
FUJIWARA: Certainwy! [STABBY SOUND]
CHILD: Mama, there is something very sharp pressing into my neck!
FUJIWARA: Cwoser it is!
HEARN (V/O): In the tradition of Heian-period single combat, everyone started screaming one after the other.
CHILD: (SCREAMING)
FUJIWARA: (SCREAMING)
CHILD: (SCREAMING MORE)
YUKI-ONNA: OOOHOOHOO! (MELODIC SCREAMING)
[THE SOUND CUTS BACK AND FORTH SHARPLY BETWEEN THE THREE OF THEM SCREAMING A LA DRAGONBALL Z]
HEARN (V/O): And after a few seconds of this nonsense, the child’s head popped off.
[POPPING NOISE. THUD OF HEAD LANDING ON SNOW. MUSIC PLAYS OUT.
FADE BACK TO CAMPFIRE]
KING: Wow, that got kinda... bloody all of a sudden.
KOONTZ: (WHIMPERING) I don’t like this story. I wanted the one with the little boy singing about walking in the air and going to meet Santa Claus.
LOVECRAFT: I don’t like it either.
BARKER: Is that because it’s Japanese?
LOVECRAFT: (PAUSE) Maybe.
HEARN: Well, that doesn’t make any sense at all. Anyway, back to the story! The blade clutched between Lord Fujiwara’s teeth had sliced the head clean off the child spirit and freed him from its evil power.
[FADE BACK TO SNOWY FOREST. CELESTA MUSIC PLAYS]
YUKI-ONNA: (SCREAMS)
FUJIWARA: Aha! I am free from your evil power, sorceress!
YUKI-ONNA: My baby! You decapitated my baby!
FUJIWARA: Lies and falsehoods! That was no child, but an evil spirit in the shape of a child! I have foiled your evil plan to slay me, Snow-Woman... now face your doom!
[SOUND OF SWORD BEING DRAWN. SPIRAL NOISE STARTS]
YUKI-ONNA: Foolish mortal, you cannot defeat me with mere weapons! Ohoohooo! [VIDEOGAME TORNADO STYLE NOISE]
FUJIAWARA: Curses! The witch has vanished! Can it be? Lord Fujiwara has... failed?? (PAUSE) No! This is not finished yet. For I have... a suspicion.
[FADE BACK TO CAMPFIRE]
BARKER: Is it that Lady Minamoto is the snow woman?
KOONTZ: Clive! Spoilers!
BARKER: They have the same laugh! And the same voice actor!
HEARN: All will become clear as Lord Fujiwara returns to the castle!
[FADE.
FADE BACK TO MINAMOTO CASTLE. FOOTSTEPS.]
FUJIWARA: I return in shame to your castle, my Lady, for whilst I have slain the snow woman’s child, I have failed to slay the snow woman herself.
MINAMOTO: Sucks for you! Now you must commit seppuku in shame.
FUJIWARA: Perhaps I might... [DRAWING SWORD] ...or perhaps... you should reveal your true self, Snow Woman! Evil witch and sorceress!
MINAMOTO: Ohoohoooo!
[QUICK FADE BACK TO CAMPFIRE]
KOONTZ: Oh my goodness! She was the Snow Woman all along?
KING: (NOT SURPRISED AT ALL) Gosh.
HEARN: Unknown to Fujiwara, Lady Minamoto is secretly...
[ELECTRONIC ANIME INSTRUMENTS PLAY A “DUN-DUN-DUUUN!!”]
BARKER: You’ve got to be kidding me.
HEARN: ...the Snow Woman!! Who ran away from home years ago, and now freezes travelers under the name Racer X.
YUKI-ONNA: [SNOW-WOMAN DISTORTION BACK ON VOICE] Yes! It is I, Lady Minamoto! I was the snow woman all along, and I would have destroyed you, Lord Fujiwara, if you had not been so cunning. Curse you and your bravery and cleverness!
FUJIWARA: Face me in battle, evil spirit!
[UPBEAT ANIME BATTLE MUSIC STARTS PLAYING. SEVERAL WEAPONS BEING DRAWN]
YUKI-ONNA: OOHOOOHOO! Foolish mortal, your weapons cannot harm me!
FUJIWARA: Ah, but my weapons are not of the mortal world, for they were given to me as a gift by the Dragon King of Lake Biwa as a reward for saving his people... (VOICE FADES)
POE (V/O): (TALKING OVER FUJIWARA) Yeah, yeah, we know this part. Centipede, arrows...
BARKER (V/O): ...spit dripping from the head of his weapon...
POE (V/O): Clive
YUKI-ONNA: Ohooohooohoo! You can never defeat me! AAAAAHHHH!
FUJIWARA: AAAAAHHHH!
[AGAIN, THE SOUND CUTS BACK AND FORTH SHARPLY BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM SCREAMING FOR A FEW SECONDS.
SOUND OF FUJIWARA’S SWORD SLICING YUKI-ONNA’S HEAD OFF. BLOOD SPRAYING. THE HEAD LANDS WITH A THUMP. MUSIC PLAYS OUT.
FADE BACK TO CAMPFIRE AMBIENCE]
ITO: Lafcadio, I... I don’t think that’s how it goes?
HEARN: But this is a very old, very notable story. I heard it first from an elderly woodcutter in the Kaminoyama region of Yamagata, which is famous for its hot spring resorts...
[SPIRAL NOISE IN BACKGROUND, GETTING HIGHER PITCHED, FASTER AND LOUDER]
ITO: (FINALLY LOSING HIS TEMPER, DISTORTED) Lafcadiooooo!
BARKER: His face is all fucked up again.
HEARN: (FRIGHTENED) Now Junji-kun... calm down... try this Buddhist breathing technique that I learned from a Zen master at the Ryōan-ji monastery—
ITO: [MONSTROUS VOICE] Nooooo moooooreeeeeee GAIIIJINSPLAAAINNING!! [THUNDERCLAP. WIND HOWLS]
HEARN: (SCREAMS IN TERROR)
[HEARN’S SCREAMS AND ITO’S CRIES OF “LAFCADIOOO! NO MORE GAIJINSPLAINIIIIING!” FADE AS ITO CHASES HEARN AWAY.
WIND HOWLS]
LOVECRAFT: H—have the Italians gone?
KING: I think so?
[SHUFFLING AND LOW SPUTTERING SOUNDS FAR OFF]
POE: What was that sound?
KOONTZ: I’m s-s-scared.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH, CRUNCHING IN THE SNOW]
LOVECRAFT: It’s a woman! I mean, it’s the Snow Woman! A woman covered in snow! AAAAAAH!
LOVECRAFT/KOONTS/KING/POE: (SCREAMING)
[SCREAMING WHICH CUTS BACK AND FORTH LIKE IN THE PREVIOUS SCENE, EXCEPT FOR]
BARKER: [CUT ABRUPTLY BETWEEN THE OTHERS’ SCREAMS] God forbid—snow women—be anywhere.
LOVECRAFT: She’s got a knife!
[SOUND OF SWITCHBLADE OPENING]
KING: Isn’t that a switchblade?
SHELLEY: (SHAKEING, SPITTING OUT SNOW) ‘Sup fuckers.
POE/KOONTZ/KING: Mary!
LOVECRAFT: Why are you covered in snow?
SHELLEY: Because it’s snowing, you fucking muppet.
BARKER: Where have you been all this time?
SHELLEY: Looking for you lot. What are you doing sitting out in the middle of a bloody blizzard? It’s brass fuckin’ monkeys.
KOONTZ: Steve says it builds character.
SHELLEY: Builds fuckin’ hypothermia more like.
KING: It’s bracing.
SHELLEY: Shut up Steve, you tiny-nosed wanker. Pick up those blankets and put that fire out. We’re going indoors.
KOONTZ: Yaaay. Can we watch the movie with the snowman?
SHELLEY: Fuck off. I’m not listening to pre-pubescent Peter Auty for the millionth time.
KOONTZ: Yeah, I always cry at the end too.
SHELLEY: I do not cry at the end.
KOONTZ: It’s OK, Mary. You can cry at the end. It shows you’re sensitive.
BARKER: (WHISPERS) What’s he doing?
KING: (WHISPERING) (IMPRESSED) Getting his way!
KOONTZ: It must be... emotionally draining to have to maintain your tough goth lady image all the time.
SHELLEY: Fine, we’ll watch the fuckin’ Snowman.
BARKER: (WHISPERS) Clever boy!
KOONTZ: Will you sing along with “Walking in the Air”?
SHELLEY: Don’t push it.
KING: All right, fine. We’ve been out long enough. We can go to my house. I’ve got The Snowman from last time Dean stayed over.
KOONTZ: Yaaay!
BARKER: Finally!
POE: Huh. I was starting to like it out here.
SHELLEY: Follow me, nerds.
KOONTZ: No, wait! We need to do the thing.
SHELLEY: Oh, for fuck’s sake. (PAUSE) The. End.
POE: I declare this meeting of the Midnight Society... closed. I’d pour water on the fire, but the bucket is frozen solid.
KING: C'mon Dean. I’ll make you a hot chocolate.
KOONTZ: With marshmallows in it?
KING: (CHUCKLING) Ooooh no. We do not want you on another sugar high. Remember what happened last time you had marshmallows?
KOONTZ: I wrote Odd Thomas.
KING: And you can never unwrite it.
[FADE.
END THEME MUSIC PLAYS—SAME MELODY AS OPENING THEME, BUT PLAYED ON SOFT STRINGS AND WOODWINDS]
VOICEOVER (Loretta Chang): Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals starred Rodrigo Borges as Edgar Allan Poe, Rebecca D'Souza as Mary Shelley, Sister Indica as Clive Barker, Wren Montgomery as Dean Koontz, Jason Robinson as Stephen King, and Robin Johnson as HP Lovecraft and Lafcadio Hearn; with Tenest Tang as Junji Ito and Osamu Tezuka, Jon Guiterrez as Lord Fujiwara, Nicoletta Giuseffi as Lady Minamoto, Chibi as the-snow child, Loretta Chang as Naoko Takeuchi, and John Serrano as Kouta Hirano. The script was written by Lou Sutcliffe, and edited by Robin Johnson and Bitter Karella. Production and music were by Robin Johnson. Daisy McNamara was an audio consultant. The Japanese sensitivity reader was Minori Kato-Hopkins, and the Irish accent and swearing consultant was Liselle Nic Giollabháin. Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals is created by Bitter Karella. All characters are fictitious, especially the real ones. If you've enjoyed this episode, please consider leaving us a rating or review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your favourite podcast platform. Subscribe to Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals wherever you find podcasts, or find us at midnightpals.com
[MUSIC FADES OUT.
FADE IN AMBIENCE OF A DIFFERENT CAMPFIRE. BIRDSONG, WEATHER, FIRE CRACKLING]
VOICEOVER (Robin): Meanwhile, at Super Happy Magical Fun Time Adventure Club...
NAOKO TAKEUCHI (Loretta): Please could you pass the chicken skewers, Tezuka-sama?
OSAMU TEZUKA (Tenest): Here you are, Naoko-chan. [CLINK OF PLATE] Where is Junji Ito-kun tonight? I miss his little paws.
[SCRATCHING PEN NOISES]
KOUTA HIRANO (John Serrano): (GIGGLING)
OSAMU: What are you drawing, Kouta-san? Is it more big titty women holding huge and very accurately drawn guns?
KOUTA: (FILTHY LAUGH)
[SPIRAL NOISE. SOUNDS OF SCREAMING AND MAD LAUGHTER AS LAFCADIO AND JUNJI APPROACH FROM AFAR. LAFCADIO'S SCREAMS AND FOOTSTPES FADE AS HE RUNS OFF. JUNJI REMAINS, CACKLING MADLY AND PRODUCING SPIRAL NOISES]
OSAMU: (DEEP SIGH) Ah, Ito-kun has returned, I see. Once again we must transform into our magical forms and subdue him.
[ANIME COMBAT MUSIC STARTS]
OSAMU: In the name of the Phoenix! [SOUND OF A PUFF OF FLAME]
NAOKO: In the name of the Moon! [MAGICAL CHIMES]
KOUTA: In the name of big tiddy women with huge guns! [TWO HUMOROUS BOINGS FOLLOWED BY LARGE GUN COCKING NOISE.
FADE. MUSIC PLAYS OUT.]