The main characters of Midnight Pals, plus a few regular visitors to the campfire, introduce themselves with a series of short skits based on their most popular works.
The main characters of Midnight Pals, plus a few regular visitors to the campfire, introduce themselves with a series of short skits based on their most popular works. A medley of midnight-snack size tales from Stephen King, Mary Shelley, HP Lovecraft, Clive Barker, Dean Koontz, Edgar Allan Poe and more.
This is a consolidation of ten short ‘teaser’ mini-episodes that were released prior to season 1. We’ve done this to clean up our feed and make it easier for new listeners to navigate to the full episodes, which will continue to be released weekly on Tuesdays throughout the season.
Content notes: swearing, sexual references, raised voices, threats of violence, animal death, gory noises, discussion of racism
CAST
with
The script was written by Robin Johnson, based on tweets by Bitter Karella. Production and music by Robin Johnson. Daisy McNamara was an audio consultant. Liselle Nic Giollabháin was a production assistant.
TIME STAMPS
Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals is created by Bitter Karella ©
All characters are fictitious, especially the real ones.
Subscribe to Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Pocket Cast or wherever you find podcasts. If you are enjoying the show, please leave us a rating or a review. Find us at midnightpals.com
[FADE IN AMBIENT SOUNDS OF FOREST AT NIGHT: WIND IN TREES, CRICKETS. CAMPFIRE CRACKLING NEARBY. FOREST/CAMPFIRE AMBIENCE PLAYS THROUGHOUT ALL SCENES]
EDGAR ALLAN POE (Rodrigo Borges): I hereby call this meeting of the Midnight Society to order. Tonight’s storyteller will be Stephen King.
STEPHEN KING (Jason Robinson): Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this story... [SPARKLE] The Tale of the Creepy Small Town with a Spooky Secret.
CLIVE BARKER (Sister Indica): Is the town in Maine?
KING: No! (PAUSE. SHEEPISHLY) Yes.
BARKER: Is the main character a writer?
KING: No. (PAUSE.) ...yes.
BARKER: Is it you?
KING: No. This main character is named... Kephen Sting.
[FADE.]
[MAIN “SUBMITTED FOR THE APPROVAL OF THE MIDNIGHT PALS” THEME PLAYS—A PIECE ON PIPE ORGAN IN 3/4 TIME, BASED AROUND TWELVE CHIMES OF A CHURCH BELL]
VOICEOVER (Rodrigo): Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals, created by Bitter Karella.
[MUSIC PLAYS OUT]
POE: Tonight’s storyteller—
MARY SHELLEY (Rebecca D’Souza): Sup fuckers!
POE: Is Mary Shelley.
SHELLEY: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story... [SPARKLE] "The Tale of the Tortured Hot Scientist Who Created a Totally Hot Monster".
BARKER: Damn, hot monster? This is good.
HP LOVECRAFT (Robin Johnson): Why is there a girl here?
KING: What’s that round your neck, Mary?
SHELLEY: Oh, this? Just the calcified heart of my dead boyfriend.
BARKER: Whoah.
[SOUND OF BAT FLAPPING ABOUT]
SHELLEY: That a fuckin’ bat?
[SOUND OF BAT BEING GRABBED. SQUEAKS.]
SHELLEY: Gotcha.
[CRUNCH. SQUEAKING STOPS]
SHELLEY: (SMACKING LIPS) (WITH MOUTH FULL) Fuckin’ hate bats.
[MUSIC CUE]
SHELLEY: ’Sup fuckers. I got a story for you.
POE: Mary, it’s Clive Barker’s turn tonight.
BARKER: (TERRIFIED) Uh... Mary can tell the story, if she wants.
SHELLEY: No, no. Let’s have Clive’s story. [SOUND OF SWITCHBLADE OPENING] Better be good.
LOVECRAFT: Edgar, you said Mary Shelley wasn’t allowed to bring her switchblade to—[SWISH OF BLADE]—aaah!
SHELLEY: Go on, Clive.
BARKER: (NERVOUSLY) Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story... [SPARKLE] "The Tale of the Horny Ghost who Liked to Fuck".
SHELLEY: Huh. (PAUSE) Yeah go on, let’s hear that one.
[MUSIC CUE]
POE: Tonight’s story will be told by (SIGH) H. P. Lovecraft. Howard?
LOVECRAFT: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story... [SPARKLE] "The Tale of the Dusky Foreigner".
POE: No! Howard.
LOVECRAFT: Uh... I mean "The Indescribable Eldritch Abomination".
KING: Can you describe it?
LOVECRAFT: Oh yeah, it looked uh... spooky. (PAUSE) Like an Italian.
BARKER: Eww...
KING: Howard.
POE: Howard!
SHELLEY: Shut the fuck up, Howard.
[MUSIC CUE]
POE: Little Dean Koontz has a story for us tonight! Don't you, Dean?
DEAN KOONTZ (Wren Montgomery): Uh... submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Society... I call this tale... [MAGICAL SPARKLY SOUND] the Tale of... uh...
KING: Keep going, Dean, you're doing fine!
KOONTZ: The Tale... the Tale of...
SHELLEY: You can do it, Dean.
KOONTZ: Uh...
BARKER: We believe in you, Dean!
KOONTZ: The Tale... the Tale of... What if... What if hamburgers ate people?
POE: You did it!
KING: Great job, Dean! Right, guys? [SILENCE] RIGHT, GUYS?
[MUSIC CUE]
KING: I hereby call this meeting of the Midnight Society to order. As you can see, I’m standing in for our regular MC, Edgar Allan Poe, because Edgar will be our storyteller tonight. Edgar, you have the floor.
POE: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story... [SPARKLE] The Tale of the Black Cat. (FONDLY) It’s based on my cat.
[BASS LINE STARTS PLAYING]
POE: Once upon a midnight drunken, while I staggered, soused and sunken,
Through the dark like one spelunkin’, suddenly I heard a wail.
In my liquor-laden blunder, as my headache throbbed like thunder,
My black cat had gotten underfoot and I had squished his tail—
LOVECRAFT: (INTERRUPTING) What’s your cat’s name?
POE: Her name’s Catterina. You guys wanna see a picture?
LOVECRAFT: What sort of name for a cat is that?
SHELLEY: Oh, you’re the expert on cat names, ain’t you, Lovecraft?
LOVECRAFT: “Catterina”? It’s not even a slur.
POE: Howard.
[MUSIC CUE]
POE: Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight—whoah!
[SUDDEN SOUND OF A CAR PULLING UP, ITS BADLY MAINTAINED BRAKES SQUEAKING. CLATTERING OF WOOD. THROUGHOUT THE SCENE THE STATIONARY CAR ENGINE NOISE KEEPS RUNNING, AND THE FIRE SOUND INCREASES VERY GRADUALLY.]
KOONTZ: Hey! You drove over our campfire!
LOVECRAFT: Who drives to a campfire in a limousine?
BARKER: That’s not a limo. It’s two station wagons connected together with cardboard sheets.
POE: Ugh. Roger Corman.
[SOUND OF AN OLD-FASHIONED CAR WINDOW BEING MANUALLY WOUND OPEN.]
ROGER CORMAN (Bitter Karella): [GRAVELLY HOLLYWOOD SLEAZEBALL VOICE] Edgar! Baby!
POE: I told you Roger, I’m not letting you adapt any more of my stories into movies.
CORMAN: No problemo, Edgar! It’s not you I’m here to see. Is Howard around?
LOVECRAFT: M-Me?
CORMAN: Howard! Howie, baby! I’m gonna make you a star!
LOVECRAFT: Really?
POE: Howard
CORMAN: Have a cigar, Howie!
[SPARKS OF LIGHTER.]
POE: Howard, it’s Roger.
LOVECRAFT: (COUGHING)
CORMAN: Have I got a proposition for you!
LOVECRAFT: (STILL COUGHING) Uh. Have you?
CORMAN: We’re gonna make a movie outta your book, The Case of Charles Dexter Ward!
LOVECRAFT: Oh wow!
CORMAN: Uh, we might gotta do a little something about that title though.
LOVECRAFT: Oh, okay. How about... Notes Concerning the Mystery of the Case of—
CORMAN: (INTERRUPTING) The Haunted Palace!
LOVECRAFT: What?
CORMAN: No, wait... Edgar Allan Poe’s "The Haunted Palace"!
POE: What?
LOVECRAFT: Couldn’t you at least make it HP Lovecraft’s "The Haunted Palace"?
CORMAN: Oh. Ohhhhh. (PAUSE) No can do, kiddo.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]
SHELLEY: (ARRIVING) ’Sup fuckers
BARKER: Hey, Mary.
SHELLEY: Why’s there a cardboard limo on the campfire? What is this, The Wicker Executive?
POE: It’s Roger Corman. He wants to make a movie out of Howard’s—
SHELLEY: Corman?
CORMAN: (TERRIFIED) Aaaah...
SHELLEY: (COOLLY) Didn’t you make Frankenstein Unbound? [SNAP OF SWITCHBLADE]
CORMAN: I gotta go! [WINDING CAR WINDOW UP] Uh, we’ll do lunch, Howie!
[CAR SCREECHES OFF INTO THE DISTANCE.]
BARKER: (CALLING) I think your limo’s on fire!
[MUSIC CUE]
POE: Tonight’s storyteller—
ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON (Dexter Howard): (SAN FRANCISCO HIPSTER ACCENT) Hola!
POE: —is Robert Louis Stevenson.
STEVENSON: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story... [MAGICAL SPARKLE] The Tale of the Bottle Imp.
LOVECRAFT: A bottle imp?
STEVENSON: Yeah, it’s like an imp that lives in a bottle. And it grants wishes.
KOONTZ: So, a genie?
STEVENSON: No, it’s not a genie. Totally different vibe. Because the wishes this bad boy grants... come with a terrible curse.
KOONTZ: Oh, it’s the Monkey’s Paw!
STEVENSON: No, it’s not the—okay, it’s kinda like the Monkey’s Paw. But here’s the rad twist. If you die while you have the bottle in your possession, your soul goes to hell.
KOONTZ: Oh no!
STEVENSON: That's right, oh no! And the only way to get rid of the bottle is to sell it for less than you paid for it. So one dude buys it for a dollar, and sells it to a lady for fifty cents, and another guy buys it for a quarter—
SHELLEY: Is this a cod economics lesson disguised as a horror story? ’Cause if I wanted to listen to Dan Simmons, I wouldn’t have broken his jaw last time.
STEVENSON: No. Uh. Anyway, the price gets lower and lower until some doofus buys it for two cents and now he’s furious ’cause he can’t get rid of it--
BARKER: Whoah. Robert, you just invented NFTs.
LOVECRAFT: I’ll buy it!
BARKER: What?
LOVECRAFT: I mean, the value’s bound to go up eventually, right? (PAUSE) Right?
STEVENSON: Exactly, man. The digital collectible damnation market is primed for a rebound.
[MUSIC CUE]
POE: It's Arthur Conan Doyle, everyone! He’s going to tell us a Sherlock Holmes story, right, Arthur?
ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE (Robin): (SIGH) Fine.
KING: Oh boy, I love Sherlock Holmes!
KOONTZ: I love him more!
DOYLE: Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story… [MAGICAL SPARKLE] the Tale of Sherlock Holmes. Again.
KOONTZ: Yaaaay!
DOYLE: One day Sherlock Holmes was walking along the top of a waterfall, when he fell off and died.
KOONTZ: (HEARTBROKEN) What? (SOBS)
BARKER: Arthur! You’re making Dean cry!
KING: Nooo!
BARKER: And Steve. (WELLING UP) and... me.
DOYLE: Oh, don’t worry about that! Because who should come along then, but Professor Challenger!
KING: Oh, for Pete’s sake.
DOYLE: Professor Challenger stroked his manly beard, turned to his tiny obedient wife—
SHELLEY: (WARNINGLY) Arthur...
DOYLE: —and said, “You know, I bet there’s fairies in this waterfall!”
SHELLEY: Everyone hates Professor Challenger.
DOYLE: They’re just jealous because he’s so popular!
SHELLEY: Arthur... I’m very disappointed.
DOYLE: Oh... (DISTRESSED PAUSE. RELUCTANTLY) Then Sherlock Holmes got better.
KOONTZ: Yaaaaay!
[MUSIC CUE]
SHELLEY: Listen up, fuckers. My girl Shirley Jackson here’s got a story.
SHIRLEY JACKSON (Rayna Montgomery): (NERVOUSLY) Um. It’s just this silly thing I—
SHELLEY: Stop bloody doing yourself down, Shirley. (TO OTHERS) This is the badass that wrote—tell them what you wrote, Shirl.
JACKSON: The, um. The Tale of, um, the Lottery.
KOONTZ: The Lottery? That doesn’t sound scary.
JACKSON: Um. But in this Lottery, like, instead of winning a million dollars or whatever. If you win, they, sort of, stone you. And your family. Um, to death.
BARKER: Whoah. Count me out, I am not buying any tickets. I don’t care what charity it’s for.
KING: The Tale of the Lottery? That was great! So cool to meet you, Shirley!
JACKSON: Um.
LOVECRAFT: The Tale of the Lottery? Ooh, I’m still really mad about that story.
JACKSON: ...why?
LOVECRAFT: (AUTHORITATIVELY) I don’t know!
JACKSON: Um. Submitted for the Approval of, um, the Midnight Society, I, um. I call this story the, um. [MAGICAL SPARKLE, MUSICAL MOTIF] The Tale of the Haunting of the Haunted House on Haunted House Hill.
KING: Oh boy, I love a good ol’ haunted house story!
JACKSON: So there’s this, um, eccentric millionaire paranormal investigator. And he invites a ragtag group of unconnected misfits from across the country to spend a week in his haunted house.
BARKER: Bit of a trope, but OK.
SHELLEY: It’s a trope ’cause Shirley made the tropes. Don’t listen to him, Shirley, your story rocks.
[HORROR MUSIC STARTS BUILDING UP]
JACKSON: (GAINING CONFIDENCE) Built in 1881, this picturesque haunted house features everything from traditional horrors such as (SHIVERING) f-fre-e-ezing mists and otherworldly noises, to staples of modern adaptation including infinitely long corridors and... [MUSIC BUILDS TO CRESCENDO, THEN STOPS] ...fake jump scares. Far from local amenities, this isolated residence—
KING: Yeah, spooky! So, what happens when the misfits get there?
JACKSON: From the moment you pull up in the haunted house’s unnecessarily long and winding driveway to be greeted by the surly caretaker, Haunted House Hill House exudes that familiar feeling of outlandish mystery.
KING: Let’s, uh, let’s focus on this group of misfits for a second.
JACKSON: With its constantly shifting internal layout, at any given point in time, the house contains enough bedrooms to accommodate six to eight misfits!
BARKER: So that’s what, two beds?
POE: Clive.
BARKER: Come on, it’s a haunted house. People go there to party.
KING: What, uh, what does happen when these misfits arrive, Shirley?
JACKSON: The ominous creeeeaak of the front door heralds you into a neo-Gothic hallway with a vaulted ceiling and elegant sable ceramic floor tiles laid in strange alien geometries...
LOVECRAFT: Ooh. Are the geometries non-Euclidean?
JACKSON: (GIGGLES) Excellent question, Howard! The house has been recently checked by an independent surveyor and I can assure you there is not a square inch of Euclidean geometry on or in the property.
LOVECRAFT: Great! I hate Euclidean geometry. So nouveau-riche!
KOONTZ: Uh, are we gonna get to the ghost?
JACKSON: I’m glad you asked, Dean! The creepy forest in which the haunted house is located is indeed zoned for ghosts!
BARKER: Shirley… is this really a story, or are you just trying to sell us a house?
JACKSON: (PAUSE) Um. And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you, um, meddling kids.
POE: Hold on. Does it have a cellar?
[END THEME MUSIC PLAYS: THE SAME MELODY AS THE OPENING THEME, BUT ON WOODWINDS AND STRINGS]
VOICEOVER (Robin): Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals starred Jason Robinson as Stephen King, Rebecca D'Souza as Mary Shelley, Robin Johnson as HP Lovecraft and Arthur Conan Doyle, Wren Montgomery as Dean Koontz, Sister Indica as Clive Barker, Rodrigo Borges as Edgar Allan Poe, Jessica Berson as Anne Rice, Bitter Karella as Roger Corman, Dexter Howard as Robert Louis Stevenson, and Rayna Montgomery as Shirley Jackson. The script was written by Robin Johnson, based on tweets by Bitter Karella. Production and music were by Robin Johnson. Daisy McNamara was an audio consultant.
Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals is created by Bitter Karella. All characters are fictitious, especially the real ones.
If you've enjoyed this episode, please consider leaving us a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or your favourite podcast platform. Subscribe to "Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Pals" wherever you find podcasts, or find us at midnightpals.com
[MUSIC PLAYS OUT]
[FADE IN AMBIENCE OF A SMALL ROOM IN A 1920s/30s US CITY. CARS, TRAMCARS, HORSES AUDIBLE FROM OUTSIDE. SOUNDS OF TYPING AND MORSE CODE]
LOVECRAFT: (GASP) All my imps are gone!
[FADE]